UPDATE: Please note that part 2 is now up.
I was inspired to write this piece by a female friend. This friend, who is in her mid-30s, recently asked me “I don’t get it. I have a graduate degree, I make great money, I own property, I’ve got a great car, I’m independent and I’m ambitious. Why can’t I get a good man to marry?” I told her the truth, and it seemed to shock her: “Most guys don’t care about any of that. They want the hottest, youngest girl they can find that pumps their egos and make them feel like a million bucks.” Of course she totally refused to believe it.
But this was hardly an isolated case. I’ve definitely noticed a rising epidemic among modern, “politically enlightened” big-city women. They’ve figured out everything, it seems, except how to get married. There are more women than ever in their 30s and 40s who seem to have figured out everything from career to real estate to retirement; everything, that is, except how to get a partner for life. I’m here to help, but I have to warn you that this will be unpleasant for many of you to hear, especially since it goes against what modern society has been telling women to do for the past two generations, which is to chase status and career accomplishments like men traditionally have. This is part 1 of a 2-part series, and it focuses on modern women who can’t find a steady man at all. Part 2 will focus on women who have a man or can find men but can’t seem to get them to commit to marriage.
The main problem many modern women have as far as finding satisfactory men is that they have let feminism tell them what men like rather than actually watching the actions of men. And a major problem of feminist ideology is that it often confuses being equal with men with being identical to men. Therefore many women start believing that the things that make a man’s stock rise will also help their own stock rise in the exact same way, and that’s simply not the case. Most men don’t really care about your graduate degree or high powered job since they can’t have sex and reproduce with either. Doctors, politicians and lawyers are often very status-obsessed, at least when starting out professionally, so they may be impressed with such credentials at first, but once they arrive at the top even they don’t care anymore and often trade their starter wives in for a younger, hotter woman with less credentials.
That’s why the most important things a woman can do is capitalize on her youth and her looks and the health of her eggs. If you want to marry and have kids, you’re better off being hot but less educated and having less status than letting your looks and physique go while chasing a high-powered job. Status and riches don’t attract men the way they attract women. Or at least they don’t attract the right kind of man.
Women see a man with status and wealth and power and that man genuinely starts becoming more attractive to them. It’s not like they’re just pretending they’re attracted as they go for his money and status, he actually becomes genuinely attractive to them, especially if he’s got game to boot. To a man on the other hand, a woman looks the same to him whether she is powerful and wealthy or not. Oprah is a billionaire and is no where close to being a sex symbol to men. Even to a gigolo who uses powerful women for money, those women never actually become any more attractive to him as a result of the wealth and status.
For a woman, credentials, status and wealth in a man can create attraction. For most men, credentials, status and wealth in a woman are just a bonus to whatever looks and poise a woman already possesses. There are exceptions, for sure, but do you really want to bank your whole mating strategy on landing the rare exceptions?
Things are this way because of how men and women evolved. I wrote in the past about the two drives of human beings, which are basically to survive and to reproduce. Just about every instinct and tendency we have helps us in one or both of these goals. Since women have always been the physically weaker of the species, it makes sense that they’ve evolved to place more value on mates that can help them fulfill the survival drive. As for the reproduction drive, most men are fertile well into their older years, so just about all man can satisfy that part of the equation. This is why age and looks traditionally matter less to women than they do to men, since age and looks don’t play as big a role in indicating male fertility as they do in indicating female fertility. Since fertility is abundant in men, women focus more on things that satisfy the survival drive than the reproduction drive, which in men are in no particular order physical power, bravery, wealth, social intelligence, power and class status.
Men on the other hand didn’t evolve to rely on women to satisfy their survival drive. To fulfill the survival part men traditionally relied on themselves or other men in their tribes for physical protection. The only possible survival questions a man has when dealing with a woman is whether she has the type of attitude or mouth that will get him killed by getting him into fights with other men or whether she’ll shorten his lifespan through excessive stress and nagging. Otherwise, women usually can’t do much to help a man survive, so as a result men have been conditioned by evolution to judge women mostly on how they satisfy the reproductive drive. To illustrate the difference in male and women fertility windows, consider the following information from this website on sexual selection:
There is a great difference in the number of babies a man and a woman can potentially produce. Women can only become pregnant and bear young a maximum of once a year, more typically once every two years at most. This means that during a lifetime a woman can have a maximum of only about 12 children. Although there are some notable exceptions with women having over 20 children, this is mostly due to them producing sets of twins, triplets or more.
For men the picture is very different. If a man went from ovulating woman to ovulating woman, and mated with each, he could potentially sire thousands of young during his lifetime. Of course this would never really happen, but it does illustrate the fact that a single man can have many more children than a single woman.
A mans reproductive success is limited by his access to women willing to mate with him. A woman’s reproductive success is limited by her biological circumstances.
So to sum up where we are so far: humans care most about two things, survival and reproduction. When choosing mates, women are conditioned to focus on the survival part of the equation because they are the physically weaker sex, as well as the people most likely to be stuck raising a child. Although reproductive health of a man matters to them, it’s not something they obsess about as much as men because fertility is hardly a limited resource in men. After all men are usually physically capable of fathering up to thousands of children in a lifetime. Hence women focus more on things about a man related to helping the survival of her and her offspring: wealth, class status, social intelligence, power, and physical dominance in the form of height and physique. Men have the survival aspect down, so women can’t help them much there. But when it comes to reproduction, women have much more fertility limitations than men, so men have to focus on a woman’s fertility indicators much more than anything else.
When judging a woman for reproductive health and fertility indicators, two things matter more than anything else: age and looks.
Unlike men, women have a much shorter window for having children, which is why men are conditioned to value young women so much.
- Female fertility peaks between ages 19-24.
- A woman’s fertility starts to measurably decline by age 27.
- For women under 30, the chances of getting pregnant in a single cycle are between 20-30%. By 40, it’s down to 5%.
- Miscarriage rates are higher in older women. According to the March of Dimes, “about 9 percent of recognised pregnancies for women aged 20 to 24 ended in miscarriage. The risk rose to about 20 percent at age 35 to 39, and more than 50 percent by age 42”.
- According to the March of Dimes, “At age 25, a woman has about a 1-in-1,250 chance of having a baby with Down syndrome; at age 30, a 1-in-1,000 chance; at age 35, a 1-in-400 chance; at age 40, a 1-in-100 chance; and at 45, a 1-in-30 chance.”
- A woman’s menstrual cycle tends to become shorter and more irregular as she ages.
- The lining of a woman’s womb may decline or become thinner with age.
- A woman’s ovarian reserve, or the number of follicles capable of producing viable eggs a woman has left in her ovaries, declines with age.
And as far as looks go, it’s no coincidence that many of the things men are conditioned by evolution to find attractive also happen to be indicators of reproductive health:
- Not being too skinny or too fat, having clear, smooth skin and waist-to-hip ratio of less than 70% are all associated with good overall health and good fertility health in particular.
- A conventionally attractive female face advertises high levels of estrogen, which in turn advertise fertility. Full lips and larger eyes are linked to higher levels of estrogen (estrogen leads to larger eyes, fuller lips and bigger cheeks in women than men).
- In puberty, higher levels of estrogen causes the bones in the face to grow less, particularly in the nose and chin. Thus women with smaller chins and noses tend to convey reproductive health through their faces and are therefore considered more attractive.
- Estrogen leads to a curvier figure, causing more fat to be deposited on the hips and buttocks, which is why men are usually turned off by women who are anorexically thin. However being too fat also causes reproductive problems in women and indicates poor health, which is why overweight women are usually not considered attractive either.
- For more proof on how a woman’s fertility can be conveyed through facial features, consider this study:
The link between female attractiveness and fertility was demonstrated by St. Andrews researcher Marian Law Smith. She and her team took photographs of 59 women who were between the ages of 18 and 25. Each woman was asked to provide a urine sample at exactly the same point in their menstrual cycles, so that the researchers could ascertain their levels of sex hormones. A different group of volunteers was shown the photographs of the women and was asked to rank all 59 for attractiveness and health, based on the pictures of their faces. Both male and female volunteers rated the faces of the women with the highest levels of estrogen as most attractive.
- Even style apparently plays a part in conveying fertility according to new research:
There are lots of them – women who like an occasion to dress-to-impress. But how many truly know why they do it? New research suggests that beyond the innate desire so many have to simply look good, the answer might actually lie in hormones. According to a study completed by researchers at UCLA and the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, the more fertile a woman is, the more attention she will pay to the way she dresses. Not only do fertile women focus on their appearance more closely, but “they tend to put on skirts instead of pants, show more skin and generally dress more fashionably,” Martie Haselton, the study’s lead author and a UCLA associate professor of communication studies and psychology, said…Like female birds or other animals that change color or release strong scents when seeking a mate, human females apparently spruce themselves up similarly around the 15th day of their menstrual cycles, when most women ovulate.
For the evolutionary reasons outlined above, the best things you can do as a woman who wants to get married is to capitalize on your age and looks while you can. Sure it’s politically incorrect, but it’s reality. Some may try to call it shallow for men to focus on age and looks, but it’s just optimal reproductive strategy and is a major reason for the success of our species. If men traditionally had the biological urge to choose women they way modern women wish, the species would have probably died out a long time ago.
At some point in human existence there were may have been many men who preferred genius intelligence, homely, fat women over 50, but since these women had poor fertility health these men ended up having little to no kids and their fat-loving, ugly-preferring, genius-admiring genes ended up getting weeded out of existence. After thousands upon thousands of years of natural selection, the genes of men who preferred reproductively inferior women are long gone and today we’re left with men who have inherited their mate preferences from those with the best mating strategy: the men who primarily were concerned with looks and age in their female mates.
These are the cards women were dealt. There are two types of people in this world, those who complain about how the world should be and focus on changing the world rather than themselves and those who accept the world and reality as it is and work to conform to that reality and work within that framework. The former face a life of frustration, disappointment and angst and end up bitter. The latter usually are life’s great successes. Progressive feminists are among the former, and like Maureen Dowd they tend to write bitter articles like this railing against men for not going against their biology and choosing older, successful career women over younger, hotter, more fertile females. As a woman, you don’t want to be Maureen Dowd. You just don’t.
Does that mean there are no men out there who are more impressed by credentials, education and earning power than looks and youth? Sure there are. They tend to be ambitious lower-status guys however. As low-status guys with ambition, they are trying to build their power, wealth and status by any means necessary, including marrying up. Also, as lower-status guys, they have less options than high-status guys, so even though they may want younger and prettier women, they take what they can get because they feel the younger, prettier women are out of their grasp. High-status men on the other hand have more options to mate with younger and prettier women. This is why many ambitious men start off with an older, less attractive and smarter woman when they are low-status but trade her in for a younger, hotter, less intellectual model as they get older and wealthier. Their stock rises as their wealth, status, and social intelligence increase with age, enabling them to attract the younger and hotter women they couldn’t get before. So ironically, the more a woman works on her education, career and status while squandering her youth and squandering her peak prettiness years, the more likely she is to attract a low-status male. And even if that low-status male has high ambition, once he becomes high-status he is likely to trade her in thanks to his increased options.
Also, since women have a natural inclination toward hypergamy, the urge to look for men with higher status than themselves, this means the more successful and powerful women make themselves, the less and less successful men they have to choose from for marrying up. In addition, the successful men they need to get with in order to marry upward are precisely the ones most likely to overlook them for a younger and hotter model thanks to having so many options. This leads to three options for many of these women: (1) keep holding out for that mate that will allow you to marry up in status, despite the fact that each passing year is likely to make you less and less attractive to the type of man you want, (2) settle for a lower-status male, keeping in mind the risk that if he’s ambitious he may end up trading you in or (3) if you are the type of women for whom marrying down is an unacceptable option, you can decide to forego marriage altogether, claiming things like “I’d rather be happy than married.” (And I never believe option #3 when I hear it, because I guarantee you that many of these “rather be happy than married” women, if given the chance to marry a high-status man of acceptable pedigree, would suddenly be all for marriage).
For women who want to be married, focus on doing it while you’re young and at your most beautiful. Go to school, get an undergraduate degree, be as financially independent as you can, but I’d recommend foregoing grad school, if you must go, until after you get married or at least are in a marriage-bound relationship, and not to wait too long to start having kids either. And throughout it all, never let your looks, weight or fashion go down the tubes while you chase your goals. They carry more weight with men than your credentials do, and this is especially true the more successful the man is. All these things are important, but they should aim to use them in addition to your hotness and youth, not in lieu of them.