Why Do Women Expect Men To Be Mind Readers?
This is a question I get so often in emails, I decided to just make it a blog post.
Women expect men to be emotion readers, not mind readers. However, since a woman’s mind is so much more ruled by emotion than a man’s mind, reading her emotions gives you the most insight into her mindset and logic as well. Reading her emotions is basically the same as reading her mind. That is why I always tell guys that the best way to change a woman’s mind is to change her mood and her logic will change accordingly. To change a man’s mind on the other hand, you must attack and change his logic, and his emotions will react accordingly.
The reason men can’t read women’s minds the way women expect them to is twofold:
- Men treat women like men and try to gauge their mindset by reading the linear logic of the interaction and basing their conclusions on that, because that’s how they correctly analyze interactions with other men. So even when they are using linear logical analysis flawlessly, it doesn’t help because they are approaching the job with the wrong tools.
- Even if men did focus on trying to read and analyze the emotional progression of the interaction rather than the logic, they are much worse at this than women are and will miss most of the emotional “tells” anyway. So even when they are approaching it with the right tools, they do a worse job using those tools than a woman would because they aren’t as well equipped for using those tools.
Now since women can read other people’s emotions so well, they expect men to be able to do the same, therefore when a man is unable to do so they get frustrated and feel he’s being insensitive or not trying hard enough. And since men analyze the logic and expect their opponent to argue linearly from a logical standpoint, they get frustrated when women seem to just not make sense and are unable to just say what they mean and do what they say.
Women are better at reading emotional states than men for two reasons. First, as the physically weaker sex, they need to compensate for this physical weakness by being better in other areas, like reading and manipulating emotions. Remember, for most of human history women didn’t have the legal and societal protections they have now. They were subject to the whims and physical brutalities of the men they encountered. By being good at assessing the emotions of men, they could tell when emotional states in the men they encountered were escalating and a hostile situation was developing. And by being good at manipulating emotion they had a weapon they could wield against men that made up for what weapons they lacked physically.
Second, as the ones most expected to nurture children, they had to be better at reading the emotional, nonverbal needs of the children. The natural division of labor for most of human history made this the woman’s job while the man focused mostly on security to the family in the form of fighting off threats and providing resources.
Women who were not superior to men in emotional intelligence had their genes weeded out of existence because they not only lacked the physical tools to protect themselves from men but also the emotional tools to assess and defuse threats from men. And in addition, these women of low emotional intelligence would be worse at properly nurturing their children and reading their moods correctly in order to properly attend to their needs. So the women alive today descended from women of superior emotional intelligence, and as a result also have inherited this superior emotional intelligence.
And thanks to our society’s current cultural marxism where everyone is assumed to share the same strengths and weaknesses, we are less likely than ever to consider that some people are just naturally built for some things and some people naturally aren’t. Therefore women expect men to read emotions as well as they do, and men expect women to use logic the way they do, and most relationship headaches originate from this disconnect.
Chris Rock touches on this dynamic in the clip below, when you reach about 2:18.
Men, don’t argue–you cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument–it’s impossible. You will not win. Because men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing, because we have a need to make sense. Women aren’t going to let a little thing like sense screw-up their argument.
As a man, you have two options. (1) Adapt and train yourself in emotional intelligence so that you can communicate better on her level, thereby learning to read her emotional state, recognize when it’s changing and intensifying and nip the argument in the bud before it even starts, or (2) teach your woman to understand that you are not as good an an emotion reader as she is and to communicate better on your level by being more forthright with you about what’s bothering her in a calm fashion. If she insists on escalating into argument anyway, just playfully deflect, dismissively ignore, or just leave. Whatever you do, don’t waste time arguing logically. It just doesn’t work.
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“Cultural marxism” is a nice turn of phrase. Very apt.
Nice post.
From a physiological standpoint the difference is clear. Men commit about 4/5′s of the mental processing power that women commit to interpersonal relationship and emotion to thoughts of and the pursuit of sex. It really is true that men think of sex every few minutes and women every couple of days as a rule (short of when they’re dropping an egg). It is hypothesized that men had little need to commit as much space to verbal and emotional communication as they were hunting and a limited repertoire of gestures would suffice. Women on the other hand were more mutually interdependent and spent much of their time gathering food together. Being a part of the “in-group” was a matter of life and death to them and their offspring, so successfully plying the social waters was much more important to their survival. Women consequently make highly effective courtiers as they naturally take to nuance and subtlety. By the same token they don’t have sex on the brain enough in the opinion of men. Louanne Brizendine details this breakdown in her book “The Female Brain” and calls sex the “male communication” when she counsels couples. It really puts it in perspective to women how important it is to us and why it really is “all we think about” on a relative basis.
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There is another solution. Don’t get in arguments with women. It’s weak and reveals neediness.
There’s two main strategies here.
1. Blame her.
If she’s arguing that you don’t know what she wants, you have to state that she doesn’t know what she wants. Make it her fault. Maintain such conviction on this that she’ll start to doubt herself.
2. Ignore her.
Act as if this argument is beneath you, and that you have better things to do. Don’t even bother talking about something else, just go DO something else. Even if it’s cooking dinner or walking the dog, by refusing to engage in the argument, you demonstrate that you will not be argued with. She cannot bring you down to that level, she cannot control or manipulate you – you’ll just do what you were going to do anyway.
While these sound like asshole things to do, they’re not intrinsically mean. You can temper them by saying, “It sounds like you don’t know what you want, but don’t worry, but with me you’ll have what you need.” Or, instead of arguing, just kiss her. If she pushes you away, kiss her harder. If she still refuses, tell her you love her, and walk away. Try again later.
This disarms just about any argument in a romantic, endearing way. Show that you care but won’t argue. Then you don’t have to worry about logic or emotion, yet you will stir thought and feeling in her.
Challenge:
That is not “another” solution since I already advised that in the Chris Rock blockquote and said that in the last line of the piece:
I do agree on your additional reasons why you shouldn’t argue though and I appreciate your suggestions giving examples of ways to avoid arguments, but I just want to make sure it’s clear that I never explicitly or implicitly suggested letting yourself get embroiled in arguments. I think arguing is a very feminine trait, even if it’s a man doing it with another man, and the more you prolong it the lower your value drops.
Challenge, rereading what I wrote in the last paragraph I think maybe I wasn’t as clear as I could have been. I revised the language slightly to make it clearer. Also, good tips.
Arguing is feminine? How so? Bickering over petty things is definitely feminine, but I see men settle disputes with words all the time and not in ways that seem excessively emotional or effeminate. Not arguing with you, by the way, but I am genuinely curious
Hello hello:
Some people conflate debate and argument. Debate is masculine, it is firmly a logical reason-based discussion that when done right is kept as impersonal as possible and with clear rules of engagement. It can be very competitive, but it is usually entered into with a spirit of sportsmanship. A good debater can be spirited but shouldn’t beak down emotionally. Since it’s so logic-based, it plays to a man’s strengths. The purpose is to enlighten, if not each other than people who may be watching.
Arguments have a different purpose than debates. They tend to be personal, emotional and with less defined rules of engagement. And as they go on and on and get more heated, they get even more personal and more emotional and even less defined. Arguments have different purposes than debates. They are for venting emotionally, for making one’s feelings be heard and validated, for revenge, for an endurance test to wear down the other person psychically. These are all battlegrounds where a woman has an advantage. They’re better at expressing themselves emotionally, at playing without rules (going for cheap shots, emasculating, getting personal), throwing logic out the window in order to get the last word. These are things most men aren’t good at. Men are not as comfortable wearing their emotions on their sleeves as women are, so they are handicapped there. And if a man IS as comfortable as the woman in wearing the emotions on his sleeve, he loses too because men get penalized for losing emotional composure more than women do. Also, most men, especially smart ones, even when emotional, instinctively keep reverting back to trying to follow a logical train of thought, another handicap in argument since arguments are not really about logic but venting and validation seeking. Most of the time what an argument seems to be about on the surface is not even really what the real underlying source of the conflict is, so attacking the surface debate logically is extra pointless. Also, arguments are about bringing up all the scorekeeping and old grudges you’ve had in the past, and women naturally have a much better memory for keeping extensive mental record on past slights and fuck-ups, so yet another way men are handicapped. Other weapons include guilt, emasculation, crying, silent treatment, arousing jealousy, all of which women are better at using than men. Which is why I say better not to argue at all. Too many ways for a man to lose, no way to win. I also think that’s why so many men resort to violence when arguing with women, because after they get outclassed with all the other emotional and verbal weapons I described, in the heat of the moment they resort to the ultimate testosterone veto and pull a Chris Brown on a chick because it’s the only effective weapon they feel is left to them to save face.
You said that arguing is not feminine in your eyes but bickering is. Problem is, arguing always degenerates into bickering after a while the longer it goes on.
Even when men are dealing with other men I am against arguing. In a previous Renaissance Man post I told men if they are going to get into a verbal conflict, say your peace forcefully, get it out, and decide whether you are going to escalate into a fight or just leave it alone. But don’t just sit there arguing and arguing and arguing at length without fighting or walking away, because at that point you are doing the “man dance,” which just looks silly after a while if you’ve ever seen it.
I live by your delineation T. I will engage in debates and I enjoy them immensely (because I always win), however I will not engage in arguments. In the first you have a clear issue you are discussing which gives a concise endpoint to the conversation and excludes immaterial bleeding together of issues. If such a debate ever degenerates toward vitriol and personal attack or name-calling I will clearly state that such things are beneath me. I’m happy to debate issues, but not to engage in futile, malicious and childish attacks. Women rarely wish to debate me because I always have a rational basis for my actions. If they attack me emotionally they can’t win. Arguments are both juvenile and hurtful and will in no way help foster a positive relationship.
With women and children, both of whom tend to be emotionally driven, there is, as you say, no winning. With children, the answer is simple, I’m the adult, I say what goes, and I will not engage a child in arguing the merits of my choices. With women, a bit more tact is often required, but the net result is the same: if there is a specific issue to debate rationally, great, if not, I will walk away. I am convinced that the damage done to the relationship far outweighs any Pyrrhic victory achieved by hurting their feelings.
The concept of emotional anchoring is of critical importance here. By fostering and encouraging good feelings towards you, you avert future argument and hostility. I will state what I expect in a situation and then leave it at that, walking away if I have to. So long as her visceral response to you is one of affection and lust, you will have minimal conflict. As a relationship degenerates and those feelings are supplanted by feelings of anger, frustration or hostility, she will become more and more fixed in her focus on whatever attributes she considers negative about you. You can’t win except by taking the higher ground.
I have had many women express their frustration that they can’t rile me and engage me in argument. “How can you be so rational?” they ask, and I always tell them that I’m a bigger man than engaging in useless name calling and fighting, subtly causing them to infer that their behavior is childish, which it is.
The same applies to online commentary. I find those who merely criticize and call names without offering anything constructive or following the confines of a debate to be hopelessly puerile and I will not bother to have such a discussion. Anyone who thinks they’ve won a debate by calling someone names is a fool lacking the barest semblance of reasoning.
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I’d like to add to your list of tips:
1. Train yourself to understand her emotional state (you understand her language)
2. Teach her to be more logical (she learns your language)
The addition:
3. Learn to make the emotional argument (you speak her language)
Tip 1 is difficult because she’s better at it than you. Tip 2 is difficult because it requires her to change. Tip 3 is easy to learn or fake.
Example:
Say you’re watching the game after work but she needs you to spend an hour, say, fixing the sprinklers or car or whatever. By the time the game is over, it’ll be too dark to work outside and you’ll have to do it in the morning.
Solution:
Say, “I had a hard day at work. I’m drained. I need this game to wind down.” You know that this is bullshit – you could just TiVo the game and catch it later. Logically, the game can wait, the daylight won’t. But she’s a woman. Emotionally drained is an acceptable excuse. Whether or not you are is up to you.
Nice post, per usual.
Can you possibly do an analysis of the story told by this guy. Breakdown the interaction he describes? The pitfall he avoided.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....annel_page
This a great reason to date girls whose first language is something other than your own.
My best relationships have always been with foreign girls.
They are hotter too, so it works all the way around.
- MPM
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Wow, guys…incredible insight. GOD I love the company of other Alpha guys…there are soooo precious few of us, and communication is so easy between us. I believe all the suggested stategies are excellent in defusing a no-win situation. I am convinced all women know we think about sex every few seconds (errr..minutes…lol), and although many of them find that digusting/perverted…seriously, you know…they are masters at using THAT to your demise as well. Freud was full of crap on most issues except one (which influences all interchanges between the sexes whether Platonic or otherwize), “penis envy”. They dont want it for pleasure, or children, they want the POWER/CONROL it (testosterone) gives you. THAT is what makes “winning” an argument with you soooo crtical to them, they feel as if they have a little of your…POWER. If they “lose” what do they withold in anger…yep, once again giving them their sense of POWER/CONTROL. YOU lose BOTH ways. Challenges, “romantic disarming” is excellent, BUT, you guys have to see this at work as well, as the “Alpha women” strive to take your power there as well. Again, you can not win…NEVER let it degenerate to emotion at work, and NEVER give up your penis…much as they are dying for it…lol. Dave.
Does it matter? If she is incapable of acting rationally, you should consider severing.
my girlfriend has the problem of not telling me what she is feeling and why she is mad at me. i can tell that when we talk that somethings up with her but she just replies “nothing”. she lets it boil up, gettin both of us frustrated for no reason what so ever then talks about it 4 days later after everything is back to normal, making those past couple of days hell for both of us. she says she is trying to communicate better but it just seems like she never puts an attempt at trying. majority of the time i do something nice for her, i never even get a simple thank you or anything, but if she does something, she gets so pissed if i dont so that i recognized her attempt. i simply dont know what to do anymore….
While it is true that men don’t read minds well, I’ve never noticed women reading minds well either.
Women who I have dated in the past (I’ve loved them dearly) would say things like “Oh, you seem so upset”. When in reality, I would be in a great mood.
I truly think that women are very poor at reading minds and emotions, but think they are masters at it and also think that everyone else should be as well. If you leave women together they will argue with each other. Most women that I know of hate other women even more then they hate men. I do not think it has anything to do with men not being able to read emotions at all. Women have somehow determined that someone who cares about them should already know what they are feeling and what they want without being told. They also have expectations that they have no intention of reminding you of, because they think if you truly care you should already know what her expectations are.
I honestly think women need to be trained at school to understand that they are not mind readers or empaths and that no one else is either. If you can not discover the root cause of your emotions, then you should not be arguing with others, you should be seeing a psychiatrist or a physician to determine why you are really upset.
I also understand that women may have emotional problems that are caused by a chemical imbalance. In this case you can throw rationality out the window, because logic is not going to help. In such a scenario words are not going to be your friend, so you may as well try to say as little as possible. And if you can not do anything that helps to comfort her, you should probably try to stay away from her as much as you can until the wrath subsides.
This problem may not be resolvable for everyone. I just think that a real understanding of this issue may help some, instead of just assuming that the main problem lies with men lacking the ability to read someones emotional state. I think the real problem stems from women almost completely lacking the ability to be rational when they get emotional.
In reality I do not see any rational way to resolve this then to tech men to figure out how to cope. I honestly do not think most women will try to learn how to be more rational and more directly nurturing to the root cause of emotions, and most men just want to discover a way to keep everyone happy all the time.