The Perfect Woman: A How-To Guide
First off, a little mood music:
((“Wonderwall” by Ryan Adams))
Musclebound pervert/comedic blogging genius VK came up with an awesome idea for a theme week of blog posts featuring posts from Roissy, VK, DC Hero, Roosh and yours truly. The theme is Perfect Woman Week. Roissy kicked it off Monday and killed it on the spiritual poetry tip. VK followed up on Tuesday, pulled a head fake and a crossover dribble and shocked us all with his romantic sensitivity. And today is my turn. How the fuck do I follow after that? I can’t compete with those touching posts, so I’m going to take it in the opposite direction and show my age with a good old-fashioned angry, yet hopefully constructive rant.
I’m not single anymore, which means I’ve stopped searching for the perfect woman because I feel I’ve gotten as close as I’m going to get to that. And I’m also 33, which means my expectations are totally different than what they were when I was younger. Like most men, my standards for the perfect woman changed as I aged. They started off low at around 16-18 when the perfect woman was basically any girl that had a pulse and would agree to have sex with me (and honestly, I think if push came to shove the pulse would have been optional). That was the sheer quantity stage. I didn’t care if she looked like Monica Bellucci or Monica Seles. The standards changed again in my late 20s when my game really started sharpening, I started making better money and I started to realize I was a prize. That was when I really started demanding more from women in the looks, personality and ambition departments. But after a lot of dating in the big city, you reach the point where I am now and your standards change from a laundry list of superficial features about hair, looks, height, etc. to just one simple overarching feature: respect the male ego, self-esteem and identity. I think more than anything this is the common thread in why a lot of relationships fail. This is more important than anything else to me now, because so few modern women know how to do this anymore, especially after progressive and radical feminism has really done a number on their heads.
I have no problem with women being equal to men. But feminism messed women up by trying to convince them that being equal to men meant being exactly the same as men. And this is wrong. Women can see themselves as equal, but they shouldn’t be seeing themselves as being the same. Women today have been trained to become men with long hair and vaginas. Progress to women has increasingly become getting the corner office, working long hours, going to grad school, racking up sex partners, not learning to cook or do housework and binge drinking on the weekend, while giving up a lot of the things that made them unique and strong as women. And Sex and the City definitely didn’t help things but rather just fueled their delusions. Instead of complementing the male gender, the female of the species now aims to duplicate the male gender, and she’s lost a lot of what made her so special to begin with. But the worst part of modern feminism? It made it so that any attempt to please or cater to a man was automatically seen as a sign of weakness, self-hate or even glorified slavery. If a woman chose to stay at home and be a housewife she was a pariah. Cooking for a man or doing housework became a form of oppressive servitude. Then it reached the point where catering to and building up the male ego became the same as devaluing your worth as a woman.
Feminists still wanted to get married, yet felt if they tried to please men in order to get husbands like their mothers did they’d be selling out their feminist prinicples and turning into their mothers (never that!). Since they didn’t want to “sell out” and go overboard to please men, they came up with a better solution: churn out a new generation of feminized men, indoctrinated by the media and universities to not only never expect to have their male egos and male identities ever catered to, but to think that having a male ego and male identity at all was a source of shame in itself and was evil! We have men out there now screaming about the male patriarchy and women’s issues even louder than most feminists, yet they’d never think to even once consider much less assert their rights as men. Deep down though these men still have the needs and egos of men, yet are trained to feel guilty about having these needs and egos because they’ve been trained to see them as misogynistic or oppressive, and as a result they don’t express them. Or don’t even realize they have these traditional male needs. They just know they are lacking something and don’t know what it is (which is why I think movies like Fight Club and 300 resonate with so many modern men). Is it any wonder that the more “enlightened” our society becomes, the harder it is for people to find life partners and the divorce rate skyrockets through the roof? Some women won’t give men what they want because they feel it’ll compromise their feminist ideas, while other women want to give men what they want but can’t because men have become so emasculated and confused about their male identity they either can’t express what they want or worst-case scenario, don’t even know.
Which is where I come in. Women, I will teach you how to be the perfect woman in a relationship. Not just for me, but for every man. Stop listening to beta males and bitter, delusional feminists. Listen to an actual man and I’ll set you straight.
- Realize that men view things differently than women, and those differences in view are equally valid and worthy of respect. Don’t try to turn your man into a woman. Don’t try to make him resolve his problems like a woman. Don’t chastise him for not thinking or emoting or talking things to death like you. You don’t have to understand why he sees things so differently than you, but you do have to respect his differences as equally valid. Men are not inclined to talk in circles about every problem until they’re emotionally drained. Respect that. For you it’s cathartic, for us it’s hell. It doesn’t mean we respect the problem less than you do, it just means that what’s a therapeutic method for you is not necessarily one for us.
- Respect and faith in abilities are more important to a man than love. This is the hardest for a woman to grasp, and it’s an ugly truth, but if you don’t grasp and accept this you’ll always have relationship problems. If men had to choose between feeling (a) loved yet disrespected and inadequate or (b) unloved but respected and competent, a vast majority would choose choice (b). To men, love without feelings of respect and adequacy from their partner is a more hellish fate than receiving no love at all. And if you don’t give them respect and a feeling of competence, they will seek that validation elsewhere. I don’t just mean from other women, although that’s likely. It can be from a hobby that they know they’re good at, it can be at the gym, it can be from sports, it can be from writing in his study, it can be from his male friends that make him feel like he’s a great guy…there are tons of places he may withdraw to to get the validation he feels he lacks from you. Which in turn may cause you to nag him for not paying enough attention to you. Which in turn may just drive him further into his alternative source of validation. And then you get a vicious cycle.
- Even the men who appear the strongest secretly have a fragile ego. One of the biggest secrets men have is how delicate our egos are. If you publicly build up your man’s ego, whether in front of his friends, family or even total strangers, he will think you’re the most wonderful woman in the world. Yet feminism and the media has given woman some strange mental block about this, as if doing so is some admission of weakness on their part. I call this the Claire Huxtable syndrome. I know it’s blasphemy for an ’80s kid to say this, but I hate the Cosby Show and I really fucking hate Claire Huxtable. Every chance she got, she emasculated Cliff for laughs in front of his parents, his friends and even his own children. And a generation of Americans ate it up and grew up thinking it was hilarious. Try watching several episodes of the Cosby Show now and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Cliff gets up, tells some story from his youth about some accomplishment he was proud of and may exaggerate a little. And almost immediately afterwards here comes Claire to set the record straight, poke holes in Cliff’s ego and embarrass Cliff by letting everyone know “what really happened.” And it ends with everyone in the room laughing at Cliff’s expense. Nowadays we see this dynamic as the norm in the media when marriages are depicted in sitcoms and commercials. It’s always depicted as cute and harmless. Is it any wonder public disrespect of men by their significant others, whether in the form of backhanded compliments or “harmless jokes” or outright chewing out, is practically an epidemic now? Below is a perfect illustration from the show Girlfriends, except instead of making it seem harmless, to the show’s credit it actually shows the devastating effect such behavior has on a man’s self-esteem:
- Fuck his brains out. Self-explanatory.
- If he’s telling you what’s wrong with the relationship, and your bitter manless friends are telling you something different is wrong with the relationship, listen to him over them. Those bitches are manless for a reason. And misery loves company. (this especially applies to black women, who for some reason seem to especially give a lot of weight to what their chronically single and bitter friends think)
- Respect his ambition. Women tend to be geared more toward security. We as men understand that. Men, however, have a need to conquer. To hunt. To compete. To master things. Modern society doesn’t give us that many avenues to exercise those needs any more except in our careers, which leads to a lot of frustration in the modern man. So unless your man is talking about taking some seriously foolish or dangerous risks, support him in his personal ambitions to the best of your ability, even if you can’t totally understand them. Make him think he can achieve his lofty goals, and let him know you’ll still love and respect him even if he tries and fails. A real man would rather try his best and fail than never try at all.
- Don’t let your looks go. Call it shallow, but men are programmed by nature to be visual creatures. We can’t help it. Just because you aren’t biologically and culturally programmed to value looks as much as we do doesn’t mean you should dismiss men’s preoccupation with looks as shallow and stupid. This is one of the easiest ways to keep your man happy, yet so many women foolishly underestimate and slack in this area.
- Being a provider is at the core of a man’s identity, even if you make money too. So be sure to show appreciation for what a man contributes as a provider, and be understanding of a man’s depression when he feels like he comes up short in this area.
- Be an interesting person. Have hobbies (shopping doesn’t count). Have topics you like to read about. Be able to converse on a wide range of things. Have well thought out viewpoints. Travel and have experiences. Have a wide range of friends. In this age of narcissism and self-absorption, too many people presume they’re more interesting than they are for no apparent reason. Don’t be one of them.
And there you have it. My perfect woman. And the perfect woman for a lot of men out there I suspect.
And tomorrow this guy drops some knowledge about the perfect woman. I can’t wait.
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(and honestly, I think if push came to shove the pulse would have been optional)….that’s hilarious, but it creep me out at the same time
last night i was having a converstion with two of my friends. one didn’t want to become a housewive when she gets older, she wants her work to be important. she didn’t understand how it was what me and my other friend would like.
Ava V’s last blog post..Cooking For One
I came here thinking I was gonna hate what you wrote, considering the usual comments on Roissy’s blog
. However, I liked this. You’re right on many points actually and on a personal level I think it’s why my relationship with my fiancee works. As long as women and men stop trying to change each other, and just try to find one that works for them I think we’d all be a lot happier.
Jo’s last blog post..The Truth
GREAT post and really spot on. In every way.
You were able to give advice without alienating women/men/anyone…that is something a lot of men/women could take the time to learn from you…the whole “all” or “nothing” crap about men and women is so tired.
This was fresh.
You guys are knocking this out of the park collectively. It’s the All-Star game of blog posts.
Keep it up, and you all should definitely repeat this exercise.
Impressive. Really tight post. I am gaining an appreciation for the different points of view comprising the “VK project” with this third installment.
Get em boy! I knew you?d come with a different point of view, busting this thing wide open.
You laid down the law on how most real men expect to be treated from the women that care about them. I think what?s hard to understand though or what?s not really pointed out by both sexes is if you treat us like men and care about our needs that will give us an extra reason to care more about you and your need more. At a certain age all guys learn that the girl that treats you right is the one holding onto in return you?ll do a little bit more for her than you would most local hood rats.
touchdown. the pressure on the next man just keeps building…
I liked it. In the end, the perfect relationship isn’t about men vs. women, it’s about knowing, understanding, and accepting your partner. Once you try to turn the person you love into someone they’re not, game over.
But as an aside, why do so many men harp on Sex and the City? Most of the women I know view the show as fluff and don’t really want to be like those women (pushing 40 and still cruising the clubs while dolled up in ugly outfits). But when men talk about the show, they get a bit bent out of shape and talk about all the ways the program ruined women. I mean, is a stupid TV show really that threatening? T, VK, guys? What’s the deal there?
Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection
Shannon,
NOW, it’s considered a stupid show after it’s been off the air for 3 or 4 years but back when it was introduced and in it’s hey day women where all gassed up like it was Christian fundamentalist and The Passion of the Christ. Now that it’s exposed as the dumb show it was no one wants to claim it.
Today most women are going in the opposite direction and instead of pushing 40, clubbing and wearing ugly clothes. They want to be like LC on the Hills.
Too bad the realist show about women out there is The L word and it about Lesbians… hmmmm I wonder if that says something?
Well done– you’ve managed to stab at the truth without condescension or pretension. Perhaps more importantly, you’ve inspired me to take a bit of responsibility for keeping my man strong, assertive, and masculine. As a woman who has often felt conflicted between the reliability of beta-types and the challenge of alphas, your advice feels wonderfully applicable. In fact, this post could almost be titled: “For the Ladies: How to help your sensitive new age guy grow (and keep) a pair.” Voila– the perfect man.
Ava V. – necrophilia creeps you out? You prude!
Jo – uh, thanks? (I think)
Kassy, GJ, DF, VK, Mike – Thanks for the props.
Shannon – VK touched on it pretty well, but yeah, sex and the city was a major cultural force when it was on the air. I especially saw it in New York, where all these women straight out of college specifically moved to NY just to create a Sex and the City lifestyle…and would openly admit it! Every girl was drinking cosmos, buying manolos, trying to find a token gay friend. There were a lot of wannabe Sex and the City blogs by single chicks polluting the blogosphere too, although thankfully these died down some, presumably because they eventually realized their lives actually weren’t that interesting. But yeah, I’m seeing the excitement build up again here now that the SatC movie is filming, so it’ll be interesting to see if the phenomenon explodes again when the movie’s released.
Nikita – Glad you found it useful. I actually thought this post would be more controversial than it ended up being. Surprised to see such a unanimously positive response.
T and VK, that makes sense. I don’t watch television and was overseas for a lot of the time that show was popular. So I missed the cultural boat.
What’s interesting to me, though, is that once SATC ended women mostly forgot about it. Men reference that show more often than women do. Was it really that much of a threat?
Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection
That came out wrong now that I re-read my comment. I liked the post, and thought you made some excellent points.
And Shannon, maybe you and I and some other women just enjoyed SATC for what it was, a TV show. But a LOT of women saw it as their bible on how to live life, and I think that’s what they mean.
Jo’s last blog post..The Truth
I am really enjoying this exercise and seeing the angle each one of you takes.
I could not agree more with the point that men and women can be equal without being the same. I don’t want to be the same as a man, not should any of us.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..Zzz?
This was amazing!
as a usual lurker, i was suped to see you would be writing your take on “the perfect woman”… and you didnt disappoint. i love how all of you guys have differing opinions (roissy, vk, and you T), but in the end you guys were really honest about what you think classifies the perfect woman. great job, per usual
Desiree’s last blog post..We Might As Well Be Strangers In a Another Time…
T., you really cranked out some great advice for women in this post that will make them better lovers and partners to men. i was especially pleased with numbers 1, 3, and 6. your claire huxtable syndrome is also known as the herb factor — lots of guys willingly taking disrespectful shit from women and thinking it’s OK to be the loveable schlumpy befuddled foil for a joke. it’s not good for them and it’s not good for the women who want to love them.
i might quibble with #2 only because to me being loved is the ultimate in transcending the shit of the world, but you’ll rarely find a woman who will love you who also doesn’t respect you, anyhow.
Men reference that show more often than women do. Was it really that much of a threat?
false premise, shannon. men are not *threatened* by SatC, they just helpfully point out how those cultural black holes help turn women into unloveable creatures with unrealistic expectations. a cirticism of women or the things they like isn’t necessarily a reflection of some imagined male weakness.
roissy’s last blog post..The Best Thing Society Can Do For Beta Males
I came to your blog because of perfect woman week, but will definitely be back regularly after this amazing post. Great job.
“men are not *threatened* by SatC, they just helpfully point out how those cultural black holes help turn women into unloveable creatures with unrealistic expectations. a cirticism of women or the things they like isn?t necessarily a reflection of some imagined male weakness.”
No argument that it was a stupid show and that some women bought into it. But, all these years later, it’s rare that I meet a woman who talks about or references SATC, or wants Manolos and to still troll the clubs at 40.
However, men (especially pua bloggers) tend to reference that show right and left. So why do they still care, when women have moved on. Are they threatened, stuck, or what?
Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection
However, men (especially pua bloggers) tend to reference that show right and left. So why do they still care, when women have moved on.
SatC is convenient shorthand for a lot of cultural detritus.
roissy’s last blog post..The Best Thing Society Can Do For Beta Males
can i just point out that the most important thing you mentioned was #2. as roissy points out, you will rarely find a woman who loves you who also does not respect you.
love = respect when it comes to loving a man.
he can psychologically brainwash you all he wants, but if there is nothing backing that up, it really is not love. when the fireworks die down, all you have left is that wonderful respect, the central core of love for a man.
with that said, do you think not all men have what it takes to be loved?
[...] give their own thoughts on the subject. Check out Roissy with Part 1, VK with Part 2, and T with Part 3. Blogger and author of one of my favorite books (Bang, a field guide on picking up and putting down [...]
5 and 6 brought tears of joy to my eyes. i was 7 for 7 with you, and you just had to break the streak.
i don’t agree with #8; a dreamy, feminine, nurturing sweetie with a fat trust fund would be even better than a randomly selected dreamy, feminine, nurturing sweetie. perhaps, though, the reason why i don’t believe #8 is because i’ve been indoctrinated by feminism.
‘depression’ because i couldn’t buy enough material things? you can’t possibly be serious. i mean, if ‘coming up short in this area’ means she’s in sackcloth and my kids are starving, that’s one thing; but this is 21st century america, dude.
and if my taking a 60% pay cut would make her even one iota less happy, then i don’t want her.
johnny five, I think men can be “providers” in more ways than just cash. I don’t need a man to pay my bills, nor would I want one to. I like my independence. But I need him to “provide” for me in other ways – take care of me, have my back, listen, and swing into action when my life goes off the rails and I don’t know what to do.
Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection
Shannon – I think “threatened” is a strong word. The SatC influence I think ANNOYED men more than it THREATENED them. I mean, the level of drunken irresponsible no-strings sluttiness it encouraged in impressionable single women if anything was a huge benefit to guys trying to get laid. I just think the narcissism, consumerism and sense of entitlement it encouraged just made these girls a total bore to talk to. And worse, it made every girl think that just by virtue of being single, livng in NY, buying Manolos and drinking cosmos they automatically had a fascinating story to tell, making their vapid conversation skills even more intolerable. Now Sex and the City has been off the air for years and people have stopped specifically emulating the fashions and drink choices as time passed, but the vapid, entitled attitude it encouraged still remain, which is why guys still mention it. I don’t think guys are “threatened” by it because honestly a SatC disciple is usually way easier to bang than not. They’re just insufferable to be around when not in the bedroom.
Jo – thanks and agreed.
Lemmonex, Irina, Des – Thanks a bunch.
Roissy – I agree that love with respect is the ultimate love in the world to a man. That’s my point, that if a woman wants her love to matter to a man, she needs to couple it with respect. It is totally possible to love someone and not respect them. I can have an alcohol, drug-addicted parent that gambled away my college fund, for example. I may still love them because they;re my parent, but I may also have lost a lot of respect for them too. Or like Honeymooners, Alice definitely loved Ralph Kramden, but she didn’t show him much respect (of course in that show, unlike Cosby, he did a lot to actually deserve disrespect with some of his lies and schemes)
Ben – thanks.
Shannon – I don’t know, you seem to be fishing for a particular answer here.
Roissy 2nd comment – nailed it.
Irina – strongly disagree, it’s quite common to find people who love each other but don’t respect them. In all relationships. I’ve seen kids who love their parents but don’t respect them because they were irresponsible, unreliable role models. Husbands who sincerely love their wives but can’t stop themselves from humiliating them with their indiscreet cheating. A lot of beta males who let their women walk all over them also have the problem of being able to earn a woman’s love but not their respect. I’d say it’s actually a more common phenomenon than you think once you start noticing it. I think all men have what it takes to be loved, but many are clueless about what it takes to be respected. Actually, I’d say that applies to women too.
Johnny – I didn’t say depression because you can’t buy material things. Those are just luxuries. I specifically said PROVIDER, which means your ability to provide fundamentals like roomy living arrangements, access to good schools for the kids, being able to afford a good, safe neighborhood, having health benefits for the family, money for emergencies, saving for retirement…if a guy doesn’t feel like he can do his part to meet these basic needs for his family, I think it can crush him spiritually. I think that’s the role a vast majority of men are naturally inclined through biology and acculturation to identify with.
And your last sentence:
This is a premise I never introduced or encouraged. This has nothing to do with what she wants. In fact, the opposite. I’m telling women that even if they don’t care about his ability to provide and is not demanding anything monetarily from him, if he views himself as an inadequate provider he’s likely to view himself to some degree as an imposter or failure. This has nothing to do with pressures a woman is putting on a man but rather the pressures men tend to put on themselves.
T.: i linked to you from roissy. so, just as shipments of bananas bring tropical pests, i’ve imported roissy’s concept of the ‘provider beta’ as the definition of ‘provider’; hence, the cognitive dissonance.
i see exactly where you’re coming from, although i think the american interpretations of some of the notions you’ve mentioned are out of whack: our society’s strange obsession with ‘affording a good, safe neighborhood’ has, ironically, led to most neighborhoods being unsafe (hint: bustling streets = safe). but i digress.
i also don’t place things like ‘roomy living arrangements’ (emphasis mine) under ‘basic needs; maybe it’s the filipino in me talking, but, in my view, basic needs start and end with family, food, support, and unconditional love.
now that roissy’s definition is out the window, i view the indispensable (and therefore depression-inducing-if-absent) aspects of being a ‘provider’ as being limited to those things that are uniquely the purview of a male provider:
* the sort of discipline that only a father can instill and enforce (sorry, single moms, feminists, and feminist single moms)
* role modelling, especially of typically positive male qualities such as dispassionate dispute resolution and analytical thinking
* spirit of adventurousness (i think fathers should encourage this, while mothers should be protective; kids wind up really fucked up if it’s any other way)
* etc.
to me, that’s all that’s necessary to be an adequate male provider. the house and food have to come from somewhere, but from where is immaterial. the man who hooks up with the aforementioned trust-fund sweetie, inheriting her house and fortune, should feel no less of a ‘provider’, provided (heh) that he can supply the irreplaceable qualities above.
your claim that biology inclines us to be providers is also questionable. if we swore fealty to biological dictates, then very few of us would feel any impulse to be true providers; we’d be too busy macking on the next chick to maximize the number and diversity of our offspring.
[...] The Rawness: Instead of complementing the male gender, the female of the species now aims to duplicate the male gender, and she?s lost a lot of what made her so special to begin with. [...]
Everybody is laughing at the ?truth about the story? Claire Huxtable is telling perhaps because they have heard Cliff tell the same story a hundred times (each exagerated differently). So, if it were not Claire who would have put a pin in his balloon it would have been his father who knew best 1. How exagerating gets you no where before the family that knows you best. 2) How humor can be both revealing and healing so take it “like a man;” a real man…instead the one you THINK you are.
AngllHugnU2
Author of IM with God
[...] I should even attempt posting the words of topic #4 of 8 Lessons Perfect Women Should Remember using the author’s own words. So, I will leave up to you, the reader, to access the posting I have purposely avoided revealing [...]
By the end of your post I wanted to stand up and cheer!
Thank you for expressing what I believe to be true concerning the state of the male and female of the species, especially here in the United States. I do not believe we can apply your theory across the board culturally, as another poster has stated…BUT…it is becoming very apparent through my dealings in my expertise that this change in the definition of male and female/identity is increasing and epidemic throughout the world.
Everything you stated in your article is true AND the result is more women are now going through Mid-life Crisis much the same as men have gone through in the past. Relationships, marriages and families are struggling or falling apart because of the fall-out from the feminist revolution. The fall-out is a result of our success at acheiving our equality and taking on the same characteristics as men, while discarding those attributes that make us truly women and compliment men. In fact many women by the time they hit 40 years old and older are so consumed with their roles as wives, mothers and career women…we have forgotten what being a woman is about AND many women who are in their 20′s and 30′s are now experincing MLC because they have never been trained in the art of womanhood… and as you say…we/they are all emulating Clare Huxtable or living the life of “Sex in the City”. This is all they know or they have been influenced by other media and people who know this way thinking, which perpetuates the same
How can a woman who doesn’t have a clue about the power of her womanhood be able to be “The Perfect Woman” you describe in your article? The anwser: she can’t…she doesn’t know how to go about it…her role models have never taught her how to be this way. So, in the end…women are just as lost as the guys. Both genders stand there scratching their heads wondering why the two can’t meet, while reading books and viewing media that perpetuates the very condition that is causing the problem.
You have hit the nail on the head! Men and women will debate this forever…it is a part of the eternal battle of the sexes…kicked up several notches. The solution to the battle is compromise:
Women must return or be taught the elegance and power of their womanhood, while retaining those positive adances forward that feminism has afforded us. We must also acknowledge and accept men for their own manhood and those attributes that make them powerful and loveable.
Men must be more vocal, even though this is difficult for them…I know this is hard and wishing for the moon also…but stop thinking with your little heads first. (No pun intended..well maybe.) Stand firm on what you know makes you a man, without becoming the “macho” caveman of the past. Women want knights in shining armor…a man of nobility…not over-bearing, sex-crazed, domineering men, who really end up being whimps at heart. There is nothing more sexy than a man who has figured this out…he is a happy, lucky…satisfied man.
Both males AND females need to stop fighting each other on these issues and listen to one another…it is all in the understanding and the application…in the end everybody wins.
I loved your article…you are so right on, even in your comment responses…it is a great discussion…I am going back to read the others.
Shepherdess(Amy Harden)’s last blog post..CYBERHOTFLASH: American Idol Not Only Gives Back They Stick IT to Michael Johns
Very good post–I completely agree about the Claire Huxtable syndrome, though you are the first to give it a name
This is typical; cliched and misinformed; sexist, to boot.
Get a life Simone.
How can it be misinformed if it’s HIS idea of the perfect woman for HIM?
Who are you? The thought-Nazi?
Geez. You are the type that give women a bad rep.
Heh. The single first post to disagree with the author’s statements immidiately is accused of “giving women a bad rep.”
Love that sheeplike mentality! Keep it up!
It is somewhat misinformed, because in response to 1) there are men who love to think and talk things to death like women do, and in contrast to 2) there are definitely men for whom love is more important than respect (e.g. the tons of kinky, submissive men out there). However, in general, the list does hold a lot of truths for a lot of men, and for that reason it is valuable to sit down and really digest it. Especially the parts about a man’s ego, self-esteem and respect for him in general — we as women need to have our egos stroked and need to be respected, so why should we expect men to forgo all that when they enter into a relationship?
After reading a lot of blogs about “what men really want” and taking steps to implement them, my marriage life has become a lot better. It isn’t so much that what I did changed — I cooked, and I still do; I sexed his brains out, and I still do. It’s more a fundamental shift in attitude that made things more harmonious in general. Instead of always mentally focusing on negativity, I now focus on positive things. I take into consideration his psychological well-being in addition to his physical. The result is that he and I are both happier, and we’re more inclined to do good things for each other, which translates into happiness everywhere in our lives, like work and leisure.
You make some good points about what men want from relationships, and it’s true we all have needs in a relationship and the man’s needs deserve to be fulfilled just as much as the woman’s, but you seem just a little centered on yourself here.
If this article were written by a woman about what she expects from a man, and she wrote a similar list, I’d be saying the same thing: you forget that in relationships, no matter who you are, it’s not about what the other person brings to the table: it’s about what YOU do. Focus on that and you’ll generally be happy (unless you start beating yourself up and get really down on yourself, but that’s another story).
For example, you ask women to respect men, but in the next breath you call their friends–whom they CHOSE as supporters they love and trust–”bitter manless bitches.” You assume certain things about women, like that they always want to talk about their feelings and will nag their SOs to do the same–I’m a woman and that’s certainly not true for me. By grouping women this way, you rob them of some of the respect they deserve.
Still, you do raise valid points, especially in the part about respecting a fragile ego–that’s something we all need to make sure we do, no matter our sex.
Fuck, one more comment.. One of the men I admire most told me this:
Men feel loved when they feel respected.
Women feel respected when they feel loved.
Beautifully lucid post!
I’ve been living in Central Europe for four years now and it strikes me as such an apples-and-oranges situation when compared with my experiences with women Stateside.
The foundation here seems viscerally logical: men and women have different strengths and those strengths are respected and considered natural. What would be referred to as ‘playing to gender stereotypes’ by a feminist is really just the social norm. None of my female Czech, Slovak, or Polish friends has ever complained about being a woman. They are some of the most self-confident people I’ve ever met. What you outlined in your article is merely common sense in this neck of the woods. It is AWESOME!!!
zlatos last blog post..Zlato’s Top 8 Nerd Crushes plus a bonus
now this is serious stuff and sooooooo true. thanks
Number 4 is self-explanatory, but it should include the caveat of never using or rationing sex to control the relationship or to get something from of him.
I WANT MY MAN TO BE A MAN I WANT
I really liked this, and learned alot from it. I always wondered what it takes to be the perfect woman to get a great guy. Thanks for the insight! and I agree about the feminsim part. I’m a woman and not a feminist, and I do think they do alot to hurt men and women a like!
Lost is still my favorite show.
I’m extra late, but this post is THE truth! Thanks for shedding light on this circus called society and how it views relationships. @ #5, this is something that I’ve encountered a LOT. I only recently realized that the very same people who were giving ME advice were the ones that needed advice. It’s true, these are the same b!tches with jacked up attitudes, always mean mugging and bitter that are trying to tell you what to do (and NOT do) with your man. I realize that some of it, I bought on myself when I went asking them for advice. I’m the type of person that wants to get all sides to the story, and all opinions, but I realize if my man is telling me something he needs, I need to listen. Now if it makes SENSE what he’s saying… i’ll just politely tell him to go to hell. lol just kidding.
With all due respect, what is the point of “not letting your looks go” when, as you point out in numerous other posts, men will just dump you when you get older anyway? I’m a 24 year old woman who’s only slept with one person (just ended the affair) and is completely and utterly depressed about the possibility of ever finding anyone to spend the rest of my life with, considering that all men want are hot 20 year olds.
I think you post makes the powerful point that in a age when people are using their brains to do all sorts of wonderfully useful things, appealing to subjective reality is no longer good enough. ,
Yep.
Oh, and not only should women respect the male ego, men should learn to love, honor, and encourage femaleness. It then is reciprocated in (genuine rather then fake sleaze) sexual desire for her mature male counterpart.
An awesome post! Except for the Cosby Show part. You’ve really ruined it for me, and I used to love that show
All good and fine, except for #7. “Don’t Let Your Looks Go”?
Look, this is very simple: if you’re a “jeans and t-shirt guy” then a “jeans and t-shirt girl” is exactly what you’re going to get.
Girls won’t let their looks go as long as YOU don’t let your looks go. In fact, if you DO let your looks go, and she doesn’t, it’s probably because she’s counting on needing them to attract someone else. Maybe, simply because your fat ass is going to have a heart attack.
Should you find a girl who is more interested in your intellect, rather than your looks, the likelihood rises that she herself has a high intellect, and would rather do more interesting things with her time than focus on her looks.
Perhaps this is the very reason you’ve neglected your own.
Either clean yourself up, or find a way to make plenty of something else which will attract shallow, looks-conscious people: money.
Perfect is not because of the money, perfect is not because of the body, perfect is only because of the chemistry!
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Very well written, same as what my boyfriends been telling me for years now.. nice to hear it from another source.. maybe he’s been right all these years and I should stop fighting him:-) Thanks.
Great article! There is no such thing as perfect because people are not perfect. Chemistry and respect for eachother is the perfect match.
Hey dude, this isn’t ‘fresh’ at all- its just Greg Beren-whatever all over again. Are you planning to write a book of advice to women and make squillions out of our insecurities?
Sooory babe, its already been done!
This is exactly why we need feminism; because any dude thinks he can tell any woman how ‘to be perfect’. Not because he has a degree in psychology, not because he is a certified relationship cousellor, but just cause he’s a dude! that aint enough, and you know it…dude.
I,ve got some advice for you too Honey!
Now that you find that near-perfect woman of yours, you better make sure you dont let your looks go and put out when she want, (including giving the big C word), or she gonna replace you with a younger, randier model.
You gottta jump through those hoops your holding up too.
Work for it baby! work it real hard!
Well, I do agree that if a man wants to be head of the household he needs to make head of the household money.
Everything else is right on.
What kind of man feels threatened by lil’ ol’ Claire Huxtable?! answer; the kind of guy that walks around covering his balls all the time, just in case some uppity lady tries to get him a good un!
Sweet dreams of Claire Huxtable with a big grin and an even bigger pair of garden shears…
I’ve never read such sooky whingeing tosh in all mi life!
Yeah, My chronically single girlfriends and I will beat your black arse raw and send you crying to your momma about how ladies just dont know how to treat a man these days…
Some good advice there and I do believe women will listen. One thing though, from what I remember Clare Huxtable clearly adored Cliff.
Looks are going to go whether someone lets them go or not.
If you plan to be in a lifelong relationship, you must be comfortable with that reality, and have more that turns you on about the person than their looks…and more keeping you with them than the sex.
I’m afraid that you are way off track, but you won’t figure it out until you’re older, if ever…or maybe when you really really find real love.
When you do find that: someone you’re so bonded to that none of the crap matters except love and respect, re-read this post. You’ll laugh.
[...] and my servant mentality. I was thinking about it today, after reading this post on the perfect woman last [...]
this is right on! great subject cause most men have these issue with these worthless women now a days!!! Most women of the world today are full of shit very confused and manly as hell ! Bitch you can’t be a man so stop trying to grow a penis and stick with what god gave you!
[...] The Rawness [...]
[...] Hat tip to Susan Walsh for the link: a great post on how to be the perfect woman. [...]
@Laura
“One thing though, from what I remember Clare Huxtable clearly adored Cliff.”
Yes, women routinely emasculate men they adore. That doesn’t mean it isn’t damaging to the relationship.
[...] Rawness – The Perfect Woman: A How-to Guide A pretty good breakdown of what a relationship minded man who actually gives a darn about the truth [...]
This is a really good post. I only wish this information had been communicated to me in my teens. The point about women being influenced by the way women treat their partners in sitcoms/films is a very good one.
And just to say that the really sad thing is that women do tease their partners as a sign of affection, we really do mean well in this regard, most of us are not trying to be malicious, it is a way of getting the partner’s attention and approbation; however unfortunately the neg works in a different way on the male ego.
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Anything else? Agree about feminists and women wanting men to become women it is pathetic! But I for one would like a male next to me, not walk on glass stroking the male, delusional, EGO! If I want that, I’d have a kid:) Give me a break! “Respect and faith in abilities are more important than love” wow! Did it take you long to come up with this ? What type of love are you talking about? There can be no love with out respect, faith and devotion; here is a new word for your vocabulary, look it up:) The only thing that men are devoted to are their dicks! Respect the dick, have faith in the dick, the dick has abilities….. accept that the dick is a visual hunter, fuck dicks brains out, while dick wants to have hamburger every so often! etc., etc., bla bla bla! And how would dick like it if the same was done to it? oops male ego dick head would be devastated… poor fragile, animal like, chauvinist pigs… good luck with that!
@ Diane
This post is clearly not for you. If you do not like men (which is evident), then you needn’t bother yourself with reading posts about understanding them. Instead focus on yourself and search for the source of this anger and resentment. Men are NOT women. They see things differently and that is all this author was trying to say.
[...] Becoming the ideal woman isn’t really impossible to achieve but a person should be very much aware that becoming the woman that you want to be couldn’t be achieved without having to deal with some important aspects in one’s individuality. [...]
Just read it and LOVE it.
Like many of the other bloggers said, it’s not about changing your parter to think the way that you do, it’s respecting and accepting who one another is as a person…after that, it’s all good.
In saying that, however, if a man wants me to stroke his ego, fuck his brains out, make him feel more than worthy, etc..he needs to earn those rights.
I was in a relationship where I loved nothing MORE than to stroke my man’s ego, and build him up emotionally and boost his self esteem. I LOVED it. It gave me such pride to know that I was the woman behind the super awesome man!
But the fellas just don’t get handed those gifts. They must earn them. If I, a successful, attractive, intelligent female chooses to give up total control over her life and allow a fellow to take on that “head of household” role (which I am more than happy to do!) and if I am going to spend the energy and recourses to build him up and make him feel like a “natural man”…he must earn that.
How’s about an article on that? I date lots of guys…but I’m not willing to give them all of “dat” man stuff if they can’t even plan a date, speak to me respectfully, not complain about prices at restaurants…
If I am going to believe in a man’s ability, how about he show me some ability?
If I am going to stroke a man’s ego, what’s the ego all about? What do you have to offer?
Am I missing the point here? Shall a guy make the first move and pursue a female or once a female has a guy’s attention, she should pull out all the stops and invest herself into making the man feel as manly as possible.
I wanna get this right, but the dating scene where I’m from is rather difficult as well.
this helps a lot and proves to be true in many past relationships of mine and my friends. thank you
This site was suggested to me by a 30+ “friend”. I came of age during the 60′s CivilRightsMovement..Now that I have expose myself(smile)perhspa MY OPINION is expected. While I haven’t read every word of every post the jest I have glem from TR is what bothers me with a presistent attitude. In the middle of wearing sagging pants and not giving a “fuck”…today’s generation perpetuates “OMG my social life is threaten and its someone elses fault….
Charlotte Hill´s last blog ..HEALTH CARE REFORM Part 3
Oops! Forgot to spell ck re-posting for clarity
This site was suggested to me by a 30+ “friend”. I came of age during the 60′s CivilRightsMovement..Now that I have expose myself(smile)perhaps MY OPINION is expected. While I haven’t read every word of every post the jest I have gleam from TR is what bothers me with a prevailing attitude. In the middle of wearing sagging pants and not giving a “fuck”…today’s generation perpetuates “OMG my social life is threaten and its someone else’s fault….
You sit here talking about how women are not the same as men and that men have needs etc. Well no wonder this is coming from a man’s point of view. I am a woman and I have needs. I work all day to make money for my family and when I come home I would like dinner to be made by my husband. I want to be able to travel all over the world for my job and know that my husband will take care of the kids. I want to come home to a clean house. I would like a massage as I sit on the couch and watch tv after a long day. Why the fuck can’t I have these things? Because fuck heads like you keep telling men that a stay-at-home dad is the equivalent of a failure. I have no problem with stay at home mom’s but im just saying let it be a choice. Women will do what they want now, just like men have since the beginning of time. If you have a problem with that go fuck yourself
So far I’m reading the first part of the article I’d like to see where he got his PHD in Gender Studies or Sociology because obviously he knows nothing about patriarchy and differential socialization. His use of the term “feminist” is so blanketed that it should be deemed inaccurate because he’s looking at gender rights in such a limited and negative way….but anyway… I’m gona read the list.
UUGHHH he’s soooooo he’s soooo ridgid in how he thinks the two “genders” should be. Like there is some innate “MAN” that all men must follow.
I agree with number 2: I think everyone needs respect and validation.
I believe in 3: “f you publicly build up your man’s ego, whether in front of his friends, family or even total strangers, he will think you’re the most wonderful woman in the world.” Both partners need to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders
4… yeah.. lol
5… Yes but in a lot of cases men give vague or no answers as to what’s wrong, and sometimes its good to have a third party look at the situation.
6. Ok
7. As long as he’s keeping up his looks. I have two eyes and both work…so he better be upholding his end. Also I look good for me, with or without a man.
8. K
9. K
Read the list… I like the list. But my education is making me give some of his statements in the beginning the side eye. I know it’s a rant though and not a politically correct or academically accurate sociological analysis of gender relations in the Western world.
I agree with this article, and I have heard similar advice in the church. Men need respect and women need to feel loved. The way to a man’s heart is to respect him and his ideas. As for not letting yourself go, well of course people get old but it really makes a man feel good when his significant other makes an effort to look attractive for him- even though she knows he loves her for the person inside. This is just another way of respecting him. I don’t care if I sound old fashioned, and maybe I am, but this article is really enlightening.
“”Anything else? Agree about feminists and women wanting men to become women it is pathetic! But I for one would like a male next to me, not walk on glass stroking the male, delusional, EGO! If I want that, I’d have a kid:) Give me a break! “Respect and faith in abilities are more important than love” wow! Did it take you long to come up with this ? What type of love are you talking about? There can be no love with out respect, faith and devotion; here is a new word for your vocabulary, look it up:) The only thing that men are devoted to are their dicks! Respect the dick, have faith in the dick, the dick has abilities….. accept that the dick is a visual hunter, fuck dicks brains out, while dick wants to have hamburger every so often! etc., etc., bla bla bla! And how would dick like it if the same was done to it? oops male ego dick head would be devastated… poor fragile, animal like, chauvinist pigs… good luck with that!”
Love this! This poster dosen’t hate men, she is just tired of loser guys trying to get us to believe that we have to walk on eggshells to be with a guy.Mrs. Huxtable is emasculating? You seriously need therapy….
Loops ….I think you need to read “the power of now” a book by eckhart tolle, you will find yourself in those pages especially read about the pain body and the cyclical nature of our life experiences
Nice theory book..but I don’t buy it. I’m not hurt of unforgiving…just willing to call BS on this post. I’m not willing to believe that men have so little sense of self that they need people around them walking on eggshells to make them feel secure in themselves. If you are so fragile..get some therapy and explore your childhood issues. This article is an atempt to get women to cater to these damaged guys and think that it is normal. It is not.Notice how self absorbed this whole post is..as if it is the woman’s job to accept this weak mans issues and pull her whole weight in fixing it and being ok with it. I would like to see what the perfect man would bring to the table. That guy in the Girlfriend’s video was asking for it. You can give it, but you cant take it?
Just read it and LOVE it.
Like many of the other bloggers said, it’s not about changing your parter to think the way that you do, it’s respecting and accepting who one another is as a person…after that, it’s all good.
In saying that, however, if a man wants me to stroke his ego, fuck his brains out, make him feel more than worthy, etc..he needs to earn those rights.
I was in a relationship where I loved nothing MORE than to stroke my man’s ego, and build him up emotionally and boost his self esteem. I LOVED it. It gave me such pride to know that I was the woman behind the super awesome man!
But the fellas just don’t get handed those gifts. They must earn them. If I, a successful, attractive, intelligent female chooses to give up total control over her life and allow a fellow to take on that “head of household” role (which I am more than happy to do!) and if I am going to spend the energy and recourses to build him up and make him feel like a “natural man”…he must earn that.
How’s about an article on that? I date lots of guys…but I’m not willing to give them all of “dat” man stuff if they can’t even plan a date, speak to me respectfully, not complain about prices at restaurants…
If I am going to believe in a man’s ability, how about he show me some ability?
If I am going to stroke a man’s ego, what’s the ego all about? What do you have to offer?
Am I missing the point here? Shall a guy make the first move and pursue a female or once a female has a guy’s attention, she should pull out all the stops and invest herself into making the man feel as manly as possible.
I wanna get this right, but the dating scene where I’m from is rather difficult as well
love this post as well. I’m willing to do all of these things, but not to just some random guy that thinks he is entitled just because. show me you are capable of these things and im all yours
I would say this is very well written.. very interesting, and the FIRST PART was very true and actually how i’ve felt for a long time now about other women but just never knew how to explain it in words. so very good job on that. but I think I have another point of view considering its coming from a women, and possibly a more accurate one too. Not once in my life has a guy failed to completely fall in love with me, guys from all different categories and slightly different age groups. I’ve been told I am or represent the perfect girl at least 20 times. Now, you might read that and think “of course, guys say that all the time to sleep with a women” or maybe that I’m naive. But I’m very good at reading people, and not judging cause I try very hard to not judge people without evidence or facts. And I can say this, the feelings that go along with those words are very real. The basic obsessiveness that comes out of guys that are usually not that way, is very real. The behavior, the things they say, the way they look at you, the way they cant go a day without talking to you, makes these words very real. AND here’s my intuition- you must be very versatile. You have to be able to be caring and sweet, but still be assertive and honest with your man. Yes rule number four i will agree with, FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT! Don’t be scared to do lots of research and learning on how to get better in bed, after all it is a skill. Skills take knowledge and experience. And since your here, the internet is chock full of information on the best secrets, tips, and remedy’s that will never fail to amaze your man. And here you must be versatile too, don’t be shy to try new things and experiment. Yet remain a confident women and keep your self respect. Guys love smart women, and well the ones who don’t you don’t want to bother with anyways, trust me on that one. Obviously I don’t mean book smart either, there is no better way to connect with someone then a very deep personal conversation. Try to keep it about things that interest him also. If you know a lot about the subject, and are able to impress and relate to him deeply, it’s a big plus on your part! Treat him like hes the only one who matters, yet give him lots of space and do not i repeat DO NOT be needy or clingy. Basically this rule applies to almost everything. You just need to be very good at reading situations and people and know when to apply it and how much. Every man has different needs, different things he likes, and you need to be keen on figuring them out. and FAST. Good luck fellow ladies
Your guidelines are fair and wise, and yet my douche sense won’t stop tingling.
Yes, we should all be so lucky as to have a lover who wants to please us. A lover who respects us, builds us up and turns us on. A lover who knows the right answer to a reasonable request: “Yes dear”, not “Give me liberty or give me death!” Any man OR woman who doesn’t want this kind of treatment is a masochistic freak.
So…you’ve taken some obvious facts about human beings and spun them as a bitter truth for women only. Why? I don’t buy your cover story about a come-to-Jesus talk for a sex that’s unilaterally ripped up the social contract. Last I checked the women still had the babies, did most of the housework, suffered most of the intimate violence and took a major economic hit from it all. Whatever standard we’ve fallen short of is far from equality.
Perhaps you could write a follow-up and explain how you’d deal with OUR need for respect, a sense of mastery in life and some fun in bed. Without denying these are things a woman needs; without implying she can only have them by stealing them from a more deserving man. Till then you’ll make a lot more sense if we just assume you’re not alpha enough to admit that a blowup doll is all the woman you can handle.