Print This Post Print This Post

The Perfect Woman: A How-To Guide

First off, a little mood music:

((“Wonderwall” by Ryan Adams))

Musclebound pervert/comedic blogging genius VK came up with an awesome idea for a theme week of blog posts featuring posts from Roissy, VK, DC Hero, Roosh and yours truly. The theme is Perfect Woman Week. Roissy kicked it off Monday and killed it on the spiritual poetry tip. VK followed up on Tuesday, pulled a head fake and a crossover dribble and shocked us all with his romantic sensitivity. And today is my turn. How the fuck do I follow after that? I can’t compete with those touching posts, so I’m going to take it in the opposite direction and show my age with a good old-fashioned angry, yet hopefully constructive rant.

Like most men, my standards for the perfect woman changed as I aged. They started off low at around 16-18 when the perfect woman was basically any girl that had a pulse and would agree to have sex with me (and honestly, I think if push came to shove the pulse would have been optional). That was the sheer quantity stage. I didn’t care if she looked like Monica Bellucci or Monica Seles. The standards changed again in my late 20s when my game really started sharpening, I started making better money and I started demanding more from women in the looks, personality and ambition departments.

But after a lot of dating in the big city, you hopefully reach the point where your standards change from a laundry list of superficial features about hair, looks, height, etc. to just one simple overarching feature: respect the male ego, self-esteem and identity. I think more than anything this is the common thread in why a lot of relationships fail. This is more important than anything else to me now, because so few modern women know how to do this anymore, especially after progressive feminism combined with excessive pampering and building up of expectations from their parents (especially fathers) has really done a number on their heads.

I have no problem with women being equal to men. But feminism along with pampering fathers messed women up by trying to convince them that being equal to men meant being exactly the same as men, except with less accountability and more entitlement to special treatment just for being a woman. And this is wrong. Women can see themselves as equal, but they shouldn’t be seeing themselves as being the same. Women today have been trained to become men with long hair and vaginas. Progress to women has increasingly become getting the corner office, working long hours, going to grad school, racking up sex partners, not learning to cook or do housework and binge drinking on the weekend, while giving up a lot of the things that made them unique and strong as women. Instead of complementing the male gender, the female of the species now aims to duplicate the male gender, and she’s lost a lot of what made her so special to begin with.

Yet at the same time, they still expect traditional treatment when it’s convenient to them. So chivalry is still expected, men are still supposed to pay for everything, open doors, jump through hoops, bend over backwards, fix the problems they can’t fix for themselves, etc. All these factors combined to make it so that any attempt to please or cater to a man was automatically seen as a sign of weakness, self-hate or even glorified slavery. If a woman chose to stay at home and be a housewife she was a pariah. Cooking for a man or doing housework became a form of oppressive servitude. Then it reached the point where catering to and building up the male ego became the same as devaluing your worth as a woman. No matter how much money you make, paying for something on a date is still a no-no.

Some women won’t give men what they want because they feel it’ll compromise their feminist ideas, while other women want to give men what they want but can’t because men have become so emasculated and confused about their male identity they either can’t express what they want or worst-case scenario, don’t even know.

Which is where I come in. Women, I will teach you how to be the perfect woman in a relationship. Not just for me, but for every man. Stop listening to beta males and bitter, delusional feminists. Listen to an actual man and I’ll set you straight.

  1. Realize that men view things differently than women, and those differences in view are equally valid and worthy of respect. Don’t try to turn your man into a woman. Don’t try to make him resolve his problems like a woman. Don’t chastise him for not thinking or emoting or talking things to death like you. You don’t have to understand why he sees things so differently than you, but you do have to respect his differences as equally valid. Men are not inclined to talk in circles about every problem until they’re emotionally drained. Respect that. For you it’s cathartic, for us it’s hell. It doesn’t mean we respect the problem less than you do, it just means that what’s a therapeutic method for you is not necessarily one for us.
  2. Respect and faith in abilities are more important to a man than love. This is the hardest for a woman to grasp, and it’s an ugly truth, but if you don’t grasp and accept this you’ll always have relationship problems. If men had to choose between feeling (a) loved yet disrespected and inadequate or (b) unloved but respected and competent, a vast majority would choose choice (b). To men, love without feelings of respect and adequacy from their partner is a more hellish fate than receiving no love at all. And if you don’t give them respect and a feeling of competence, they will seek that validation elsewhere. I don’t just mean from other women, although that’s likely. It can be from a hobby that they know they’re good at, it can be at the gym, it can be from sports, it can be from writing in his study, it can be from his male friends that make him feel like he’s a great guy…there are tons of places he may withdraw to to get the validation he feels he lacks from you. Which in turn may cause you to nag him for not paying enough attention to you. Which in turn may just drive him further into his alternative source of validation. And then you get a vicious cycle.
  3. Even the men who appear the strongest secretly have a fragile ego. One of the biggest secrets men have is how delicate our egos are. If you publicly build up your man’s ego, whether in front of his friends, family or even total strangers, he will think you’re the most wonderful woman in the world. Yet feminism and the media has given woman some strange mental block about this, as if doing so is some admission of weakness on their part. I call this the Claire Huxtable syndrome. I know it’s blasphemy for an ’80s kid to say this, but I hate the Cosby Show and I really fucking hate Claire Huxtable. Every chance she got, she emasculated Cliff for laughs in front of his parents, his friends and even his own children. And a generation of Americans ate it up and grew up thinking it was hilarious. Try watching several episodes of the Cosby Show now and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Cliff gets up, tells some story from his youth about some accomplishment he was proud of and may exaggerate a little. And almost immediately afterwards here comes Claire to set the record straight, poke holes in Cliff’s ego and embarrass Cliff by letting everyone know “what really happened.” And it ends with everyone in the room laughing at Cliff’s expense. Nowadays we see this dynamic as the norm in the media when marriages are depicted in sitcoms and commercials. It’s always depicted as cute and harmless. Is it any wonder public disrespect of men by their significant others, whether in the form of backhanded compliments or “harmless jokes” or outright chewing out, is practically an epidemic now? Below is a perfect illustration from the show Girlfriends, except instead of making it seem harmless, to the show’s credit it actually shows the devastating effect such behavior has on a man’s self-esteem:
  4. Fuck his brains out. Self-explanatory.
  5. If he’s telling you what’s wrong with the relationship, and your bitter manless friends are telling you something different is wrong with the relationship, listen to him over them. Those chicks are manless for a reason. And misery loves company. (this especially applies to black women, who for some reason seem to especially give a lot of weight to what their chronically single and bitter friends think)
  6. A man’s mission and purpose are more important to him than his relationships. Respect his ambition. Women tend to be geared more toward security and relationships. Men, however, have a need to conquer. To hunt. To compete. To master things. It’s a hard truth for women to grasp, but most men, if forced to choose between conquering their ultimate mission and reaching their highest purpose in life or getting a happy relationship, they’d choose the former.  Modern society doesn’t give us that many avenues to exercise those needs any more except in our careers, which leads to a lot of frustration in the modern man. So unless your man is talking about taking some seriously foolish or dangerous risks, support him in his personal ambitions to the best of your ability, even if you can’t totally understand them. Make him think he can achieve his lofty goals, and let him know you’ll still love and respect him even if he tries and fails. A real man would rather try his best and fail than never try at all.
  7. Don’t let your looks go. Call it shallow, but men are programmed by nature to be visual creatures. We can’t help it. Just because you aren’t biologically and culturally programmed to value looks as much as we do doesn’t mean you should dismiss men’s preoccupation with looks as shallow and stupid. This is one of the easiest ways to keep your man happy, yet so many women foolishly underestimate and slack in this area.
  8. Being a provider is a major part of a man’s identity, even if you make money too. So be sure to show appreciation for what a man contributes as a provider, and be understanding of a man’s depression when he feels like he comes up short in this area.
  9. Be an interesting person. Have hobbies (shopping doesn’t count).  Have topics you like to read about.  Be able to converse on a wide range of things.  Have well thought out viewpoints. Travel and have experiences.  Have a wide range of friends.  In this age of narcissism and self-absorption, too many people presume they’re more interesting than they are for no apparent reason.  Don’t be one of them.

And there you have it. My perfect woman. And the perfect woman for a lot of men out there I suspect.

And tomorrow this guy drops some knowledge about the perfect woman. I can’t wait.

Recommended Reading:

A lot of this can be found in two books For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. The latter is actually written for men, but I think if women read it they’d gain a lot of insight into the spiritual dilemmas men deal with.

129 Responses to “The Perfect Woman: A How-To Guide”

  1. (and honestly, I think if push came to shove the pulse would have been optional)….that’s hilarious, but it creep me out at the same time

    last night i was having a converstion with two of my friends. one didn’t want to become a housewive when she gets older, she wants her work to be important. she didn’t understand how it was what me and my other friend would like.

    Ava V’s last blog post..Cooking For One

  2. I came here thinking I was gonna hate what you wrote, considering the usual comments on Roissy’s blog :-). However, I liked this. You’re right on many points actually and on a personal level I think it’s why my relationship with my fiancee works. As long as women and men stop trying to change each other, and just try to find one that works for them I think we’d all be a lot happier.

    Jo’s last blog post..The Truth

  3. GREAT post and really spot on. In every way.

    You were able to give advice without alienating women/men/anyone…that is something a lot of men/women could take the time to learn from you…the whole “all” or “nothing” crap about men and women is so tired.

    This was fresh. :)

  4. You guys are knocking this out of the park collectively. It’s the All-Star game of blog posts.

    Keep it up, and you all should definitely repeat this exercise.

  5. Impressive. Really tight post. I am gaining an appreciation for the different points of view comprising the “VK project” with this third installment.

  6. Get em boy! I knew you?d come with a different point of view, busting this thing wide open.

    You laid down the law on how most real men expect to be treated from the women that care about them. I think what?s hard to understand though or what?s not really pointed out by both sexes is if you treat us like men and care about our needs that will give us an extra reason to care more about you and your need more. At a certain age all guys learn that the girl that treats you right is the one holding onto in return you?ll do a little bit more for her than you would most local hood rats.

  7. touchdown. the pressure on the next man just keeps building…

  8. I liked it. In the end, the perfect relationship isn’t about men vs. women, it’s about knowing, understanding, and accepting your partner. Once you try to turn the person you love into someone they’re not, game over.

    But as an aside, why do so many men harp on Sex and the City? Most of the women I know view the show as fluff and don’t really want to be like those women (pushing 40 and still cruising the clubs while dolled up in ugly outfits). But when men talk about the show, they get a bit bent out of shape and talk about all the ways the program ruined women. I mean, is a stupid TV show really that threatening? T, VK, guys? What’s the deal there?

    Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection

  9. Shannon,

    NOW, it’s considered a stupid show after it’s been off the air for 3 or 4 years but back when it was introduced and in it’s hey day women where all gassed up like it was Christian fundamentalist and The Passion of the Christ. Now that it’s exposed as the dumb show it was no one wants to claim it.

    Today most women are going in the opposite direction and instead of pushing 40, clubbing and wearing ugly clothes. They want to be like LC on the Hills.

    Too bad the realist show about women out there is The L word and it about Lesbians… hmmmm I wonder if that says something?

  10. Well done– you’ve managed to stab at the truth without condescension or pretension. Perhaps more importantly, you’ve inspired me to take a bit of responsibility for keeping my man strong, assertive, and masculine. As a woman who has often felt conflicted between the reliability of beta-types and the challenge of alphas, your advice feels wonderfully applicable. In fact, this post could almost be titled: “For the Ladies: How to help your sensitive new age guy grow (and keep) a pair.” Voila– the perfect man.

  11. Ava V. – necrophilia creeps you out? You prude!

    Jo – uh, thanks? (I think)

    Kassy, GJ, DF, VK, Mike – Thanks for the props.

    Shannon – VK touched on it pretty well, but yeah, sex and the city was a major cultural force when it was on the air. I especially saw it in New York, where all these women straight out of college specifically moved to NY just to create a Sex and the City lifestyle…and would openly admit it! Every girl was drinking cosmos, buying manolos, trying to find a token gay friend. There were a lot of wannabe Sex and the City blogs by single chicks polluting the blogosphere too, although thankfully these died down some, presumably because they eventually realized their lives actually weren’t that interesting. But yeah, I’m seeing the excitement build up again here now that the SatC movie is filming, so it’ll be interesting to see if the phenomenon explodes again when the movie’s released.

    Nikita – Glad you found it useful. I actually thought this post would be more controversial than it ended up being. Surprised to see such a unanimously positive response.

  12. T and VK, that makes sense. I don’t watch television and was overseas for a lot of the time that show was popular. So I missed the cultural boat.

    What’s interesting to me, though, is that once SATC ended women mostly forgot about it. Men reference that show more often than women do. Was it really that much of a threat?

    Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection

  13. That came out wrong now that I re-read my comment. I liked the post, and thought you made some excellent points.

    And Shannon, maybe you and I and some other women just enjoyed SATC for what it was, a TV show. But a LOT of women saw it as their bible on how to live life, and I think that’s what they mean.

    Jo’s last blog post..The Truth

  14. I am really enjoying this exercise and seeing the angle each one of you takes.

    I could not agree more with the point that men and women can be equal without being the same. I don’t want to be the same as a man, not should any of us.

    Lemmonex’s last blog post..Zzz?

  15. This was amazing!

  16. as a usual lurker, i was suped to see you would be writing your take on “the perfect woman”… and you didnt disappoint. i love how all of you guys have differing opinions (roissy, vk, and you T), but in the end you guys were really honest about what you think classifies the perfect woman. great job, per usual ;)

    Desiree’s last blog post..We Might As Well Be Strangers In a Another Time…

  17. T., you really cranked out some great advice for women in this post that will make them better lovers and partners to men. i was especially pleased with numbers 1, 3, and 6. your claire huxtable syndrome is also known as the herb factor — lots of guys willingly taking disrespectful shit from women and thinking it’s OK to be the loveable schlumpy befuddled foil for a joke. it’s not good for them and it’s not good for the women who want to love them.

    i might quibble with #2 only because to me being loved is the ultimate in transcending the shit of the world, but you’ll rarely find a woman who will love you who also doesn’t respect you, anyhow.

    Men reference that show more often than women do. Was it really that much of a threat?

    false premise, shannon. men are not *threatened* by SatC, they just helpfully point out how those cultural black holes help turn women into unloveable creatures with unrealistic expectations. a cirticism of women or the things they like isn’t necessarily a reflection of some imagined male weakness.

    roissy’s last blog post..The Best Thing Society Can Do For Beta Males

  18. I came to your blog because of perfect woman week, but will definitely be back regularly after this amazing post. Great job.

  19. “men are not *threatened* by SatC, they just helpfully point out how those cultural black holes help turn women into unloveable creatures with unrealistic expectations. a cirticism of women or the things they like isn?t necessarily a reflection of some imagined male weakness.”

    No argument that it was a stupid show and that some women bought into it. But, all these years later, it’s rare that I meet a woman who talks about or references SATC, or wants Manolos and to still troll the clubs at 40.

    However, men (especially pua bloggers) tend to reference that show right and left. So why do they still care, when women have moved on. Are they threatened, stuck, or what?

    Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection

  20. However, men (especially pua bloggers) tend to reference that show right and left. So why do they still care, when women have moved on.

    SatC is convenient shorthand for a lot of cultural detritus.

    roissy’s last blog post..The Best Thing Society Can Do For Beta Males

  21. can i just point out that the most important thing you mentioned was #2. as roissy points out, you will rarely find a woman who loves you who also does not respect you.
    love = respect when it comes to loving a man.
    he can psychologically brainwash you all he wants, but if there is nothing backing that up, it really is not love. when the fireworks die down, all you have left is that wonderful respect, the central core of love for a man.
    with that said, do you think not all men have what it takes to be loved?

  22. 5 and 6 brought tears of joy to my eyes. i was 7 for 7 with you, and you just had to break the streak.

    i don’t agree with #8; a dreamy, feminine, nurturing sweetie with a fat trust fund would be even better than a randomly selected dreamy, feminine, nurturing sweetie. perhaps, though, the reason why i don’t believe #8 is because i’ve been indoctrinated by feminism.

    ‘depression’ because i couldn’t buy enough material things? you can’t possibly be serious. i mean, if ‘coming up short in this area’ means she’s in sackcloth and my kids are starving, that’s one thing; but this is 21st century america, dude.

    and if my taking a 60% pay cut would make her even one iota less happy, then i don’t want her.

  23. johnny five, I think men can be “providers” in more ways than just cash. I don’t need a man to pay my bills, nor would I want one to. I like my independence. But I need him to “provide” for me in other ways – take care of me, have my back, listen, and swing into action when my life goes off the rails and I don’t know what to do.

    Shannon’s last blog post..My Opinion on Perfection

  24. Shannon – I think “threatened” is a strong word. The SatC influence I think ANNOYED men more than it THREATENED them. I mean, the level of drunken irresponsible no-strings sluttiness it encouraged in impressionable single women if anything was a huge benefit to guys trying to get laid. I just think the narcissism, consumerism and sense of entitlement it encouraged just made these girls a total bore to talk to. And worse, it made every girl think that just by virtue of being single, livng in NY, buying Manolos and drinking cosmos they automatically had a fascinating story to tell, making their vapid conversation skills even more intolerable. Now Sex and the City has been off the air for years and people have stopped specifically emulating the fashions and drink choices as time passed, but the vapid, entitled attitude it encouraged still remain, which is why guys still mention it. I don’t think guys are “threatened” by it because honestly a SatC disciple is usually way easier to bang than not. They’re just insufferable to be around when not in the bedroom.

    Jo – thanks and agreed.

    Lemmonex, Irina, Des – Thanks a bunch.

    Roissy – I agree that love with respect is the ultimate love in the world to a man. That’s my point, that if a woman wants her love to matter to a man, she needs to couple it with respect. It is totally possible to love someone and not respect them. I can have an alcohol, drug-addicted parent that gambled away my college fund, for example. I may still love them because they;re my parent, but I may also have lost a lot of respect for them too. Or like Honeymooners, Alice definitely loved Ralph Kramden, but she didn’t show him much respect (of course in that show, unlike Cosby, he did a lot to actually deserve disrespect with some of his lies and schemes)

    Ben – thanks.

    Shannon – I don’t know, you seem to be fishing for a particular answer here.

    Roissy 2nd comment – nailed it.

    Irina – strongly disagree, it’s quite common to find people who love each other but don’t respect them. In all relationships. I’ve seen kids who love their parents but don’t respect them because they were irresponsible, unreliable role models. Husbands who sincerely love their wives but can’t stop themselves from humiliating them with their indiscreet cheating. A lot of beta males who let their women walk all over them also have the problem of being able to earn a woman’s love but not their respect. I’d say it’s actually a more common phenomenon than you think once you start noticing it. I think all men have what it takes to be loved, but many are clueless about what it takes to be respected. Actually, I’d say that applies to women too.

    Johnny – I didn’t say depression because you can’t buy material things. Those are just luxuries. I specifically said PROVIDER, which means your ability to provide fundamentals like roomy living arrangements, access to good schools for the kids, being able to afford a good, safe neighborhood, having health benefits for the family, money for emergencies, saving for retirement…if a guy doesn’t feel like he can do his part to meet these basic needs for his family, I think it can crush him spiritually. I think that’s the role a vast majority of men are naturally inclined through biology and acculturation to identify with.

    And your last sentence:

    if my taking a 60% pay cut would make her even one iota less happy, then i don?t want her.

    This is a premise I never introduced or encouraged. This has nothing to do with what she wants. In fact, the opposite. I’m telling women that even if they don’t care about his ability to provide and is not demanding anything monetarily from him, if he views himself as an inadequate provider he’s likely to view himself to some degree as an imposter or failure. This has nothing to do with pressures a woman is putting on a man but rather the pressures men tend to put on themselves.

  25. T.: i linked to you from roissy. so, just as shipments of bananas bring tropical pests, i’ve imported roissy’s concept of the ‘provider beta’ as the definition of ‘provider’; hence, the cognitive dissonance.

    i see exactly where you’re coming from, although i think the american interpretations of some of the notions you’ve mentioned are out of whack: our society’s strange obsession with ‘affording a good, safe neighborhood’ has, ironically, led to most neighborhoods being unsafe (hint: bustling streets = safe). but i digress.

    i also don’t place things like ‘roomy living arrangements’ (emphasis mine) under ‘basic needs; maybe it’s the filipino in me talking, but, in my view, basic needs start and end with family, food, support, and unconditional love.

    now that roissy’s definition is out the window, i view the indispensable (and therefore depression-inducing-if-absent) aspects of being a ‘provider’ as being limited to those things that are uniquely the purview of a male provider:
    * the sort of discipline that only a father can instill and enforce (sorry, single moms, feminists, and feminist single moms)
    * role modelling, especially of typically positive male qualities such as dispassionate dispute resolution and analytical thinking
    * spirit of adventurousness (i think fathers should encourage this, while mothers should be protective; kids wind up really fucked up if it’s any other way)
    * etc.
    to me, that’s all that’s necessary to be an adequate male provider. the house and food have to come from somewhere, but from where is immaterial. the man who hooks up with the aforementioned trust-fund sweetie, inheriting her house and fortune, should feel no less of a ‘provider’, provided (heh) that he can supply the irreplaceable qualities above.

    your claim that biology inclines us to be providers is also questionable. if we swore fealty to biological dictates, then very few of us would feel any impulse to be true providers; we’d be too busy macking on the next chick to maximize the number and diversity of our offspring.

  26. Everybody is laughing at the ?truth about the story? Claire Huxtable is telling perhaps because they have heard Cliff tell the same story a hundred times (each exagerated differently). So, if it were not Claire who would have put a pin in his balloon it would have been his father who knew best 1. How exagerating gets you no where before the family that knows you best. 2) How humor can be both revealing and healing so take it “like a man;” a real man…instead the one you THINK you are.

    Author of IM with God

  27. By the end of your post I wanted to stand up and cheer!

    Thank you for expressing what I believe to be true concerning the state of the male and female of the species, especially here in the United States. I do not believe we can apply your theory across the board culturally, as another poster has stated…BUT…it is becoming very apparent through my dealings in my expertise that this change in the definition of male and female/identity is increasing and epidemic throughout the world.

    Everything you stated in your article is true AND the result is more women are now going through Mid-life Crisis much the same as men have gone through in the past. Relationships, marriages and families are struggling or falling apart because of the fall-out from the feminist revolution. The fall-out is a result of our success at acheiving our equality and taking on the same characteristics as men, while discarding those attributes that make us truly women and compliment men. In fact many women by the time they hit 40 years old and older are so consumed with their roles as wives, mothers and career women…we have forgotten what being a woman is about AND many women who are in their 20′s and 30′s are now experincing MLC because they have never been trained in the art of womanhood… and as you say…we/they are all emulating Clare Huxtable or living the life of “Sex in the City”. This is all they know or they have been influenced by other media and people who know this way thinking, which perpetuates the same

    How can a woman who doesn’t have a clue about the power of her womanhood be able to be “The Perfect Woman” you describe in your article? The anwser: she can’t…she doesn’t know how to go about it…her role models have never taught her how to be this way. So, in the end…women are just as lost as the guys. Both genders stand there scratching their heads wondering why the two can’t meet, while reading books and viewing media that perpetuates the very condition that is causing the problem.

    You have hit the nail on the head! Men and women will debate this forever…it is a part of the eternal battle of the sexes…kicked up several notches. The solution to the battle is compromise:

    Women must return or be taught the elegance and power of their womanhood, while retaining those positive adances forward that feminism has afforded us. We must also acknowledge and accept men for their own manhood and those attributes that make them powerful and loveable.

    Men must be more vocal, even though this is difficult for them…I know this is hard and wishing for the moon also…but stop thinking with your little heads first. (No pun intended..well maybe.) Stand firm on what you know makes you a man, without becoming the “macho” caveman of the past. Women want knights in shining armor…a man of nobility…not over-bearing, sex-crazed, domineering men, who really end up being whimps at heart. There is nothing more sexy than a man who has figured this out…he is a happy, lucky…satisfied man.

    Both males AND females need to stop fighting each other on these issues and listen to one another…it is all in the understanding and the application…in the end everybody wins.

    I loved your article…you are so right on, even in your comment responses…it is a great discussion…I am going back to read the others.

    Shepherdess(Amy Harden)’s last blog post..CYBERHOTFLASH: American Idol Not Only Gives Back They Stick IT to Michael Johns

  28. Very good post–I completely agree about the Claire Huxtable syndrome, though you are the first to give it a name :)

  29. This is typical; cliched and misinformed; sexist, to boot.

  30. Get a life Simone.

    How can it be misinformed if it’s HIS idea of the perfect woman for HIM?

    Who are you? The thought-Nazi?

    Geez. You are the type that give women a bad rep.

  31. Heh. The single first post to disagree with the author’s statements immidiately is accused of “giving women a bad rep.”

    Love that sheeplike mentality! Keep it up!

  32. It is somewhat misinformed, because in response to 1) there are men who love to think and talk things to death like women do, and in contrast to 2) there are definitely men for whom love is more important than respect (e.g. the tons of kinky, submissive men out there). However, in general, the list does hold a lot of truths for a lot of men, and for that reason it is valuable to sit down and really digest it. Especially the parts about a man’s ego, self-esteem and respect for him in general — we as women need to have our egos stroked and need to be respected, so why should we expect men to forgo all that when they enter into a relationship?

    After reading a lot of blogs about “what men really want” and taking steps to implement them, my marriage life has become a lot better. It isn’t so much that what I did changed — I cooked, and I still do; I sexed his brains out, and I still do. It’s more a fundamental shift in attitude that made things more harmonious in general. Instead of always mentally focusing on negativity, I now focus on positive things. I take into consideration his psychological well-being in addition to his physical. The result is that he and I are both happier, and we’re more inclined to do good things for each other, which translates into happiness everywhere in our lives, like work and leisure.

  33. You make some good points about what men want from relationships, and it’s true we all have needs in a relationship and the man’s needs deserve to be fulfilled just as much as the woman’s, but you seem just a little centered on yourself here.

    If this article were written by a woman about what she expects from a man, and she wrote a similar list, I’d be saying the same thing: you forget that in relationships, no matter who you are, it’s not about what the other person brings to the table: it’s about what YOU do. Focus on that and you’ll generally be happy (unless you start beating yourself up and get really down on yourself, but that’s another story).

    For example, you ask women to respect men, but in the next breath you call their friends–whom they CHOSE as supporters they love and trust–”bitter manless bitches.” You assume certain things about women, like that they always want to talk about their feelings and will nag their SOs to do the same–I’m a woman and that’s certainly not true for me. By grouping women this way, you rob them of some of the respect they deserve.

    Still, you do raise valid points, especially in the part about respecting a fragile ego–that’s something we all need to make sure we do, no matter our sex.

  34. Fuck, one more comment.. One of the men I admire most told me this:

    Men feel loved when they feel respected.
    Women feel respected when they feel loved.

  35. Beautifully lucid post!
    I’ve been living in Central Europe for four years now and it strikes me as such an apples-and-oranges situation when compared with my experiences with women Stateside.

    The foundation here seems viscerally logical: men and women have different strengths and those strengths are respected and considered natural. What would be referred to as ‘playing to gender stereotypes’ by a feminist is really just the social norm. None of my female Czech, Slovak, or Polish friends has ever complained about being a woman. They are some of the most self-confident people I’ve ever met. What you outlined in your article is merely common sense in this neck of the woods. It is AWESOME!!!

    zlatos last blog post..Zlato’s Top 8 Nerd Crushes plus a bonus

  36. now this is serious stuff and sooooooo true. thanks

  37. Number 4 is self-explanatory, but it should include the caveat of never using or rationing sex to control the relationship or to get something from of him.


  39. :idea: :oops: :P :? 8) :evil: :twisted: :arrow: 8O :) alex is the shit

  40. I really liked this, and learned alot from it. I always wondered what it takes to be the perfect woman to get a great guy. Thanks for the insight! and I agree about the feminsim part. I’m a woman and not a feminist, and I do think they do alot to hurt men and women a like!

  41. Lost is still my favorite show.

  42. I’m extra late, but this post is THE truth! Thanks for shedding light on this circus called society and how it views relationships. @ #5, this is something that I’ve encountered a LOT. I only recently realized that the very same people who were giving ME advice were the ones that needed advice. It’s true, these are the same b!tches with jacked up attitudes, always mean mugging and bitter that are trying to tell you what to do (and NOT do) with your man. I realize that some of it, I bought on myself when I went asking them for advice. I’m the type of person that wants to get all sides to the story, and all opinions, but I realize if my man is telling me something he needs, I need to listen. Now if it makes SENSE what he’s saying… i’ll just politely tell him to go to hell. lol just kidding.

  43. With all due respect, what is the point of “not letting your looks go” when, as you point out in numerous other posts, men will just dump you when you get older anyway? I’m a 24 year old woman who’s only slept with one person (just ended the affair) and is completely and utterly depressed about the possibility of ever finding anyone to spend the rest of my life with, considering that all men want are hot 20 year olds.

  44. I think you post makes the powerful point that in a age when people are using their brains to do all sorts of wonderfully useful things, appealing to subjective reality is no longer good enough. ,

  45. Yep.

    Oh, and not only should women respect the male ego, men should learn to love, honor, and encourage femaleness. It then is reciprocated in (genuine rather then fake sleaze) sexual desire for her mature male counterpart.

    An awesome post! Except for the Cosby Show part. You’ve really ruined it for me, and I used to love that show :P

  46. All good and fine, except for #7. “Don’t Let Your Looks Go”?

    Look, this is very simple: if you’re a “jeans and t-shirt guy” then a “jeans and t-shirt girl” is exactly what you’re going to get.

    Girls won’t let their looks go as long as YOU don’t let your looks go. In fact, if you DO let your looks go, and she doesn’t, it’s probably because she’s counting on needing them to attract someone else. Maybe, simply because your fat ass is going to have a heart attack.

    Should you find a girl who is more interested in your intellect, rather than your looks, the likelihood rises that she herself has a high intellect, and would rather do more interesting things with her time than focus on her looks.

    Perhaps this is the very reason you’ve neglected your own.

    Either clean yourself up, or find a way to make plenty of something else which will attract shallow, looks-conscious people: money.

  47. Perfect is not because of the money, perfect is not because of the body, perfect is only because of the chemistry!
    Married dating site for those looking for a married affair, or in a relationship,
    and looking for a marital affair or married dating.

  48. Very well written, same as what my boyfriends been telling me for years now.. nice to hear it from another source.. maybe he’s been right all these years and I should stop fighting him:-) Thanks.

  49. Great article! There is no such thing as perfect because people are not perfect. Chemistry and respect for eachother is the perfect match.

  50. Hey dude, this isn’t ‘fresh’ at all- its just Greg Beren-whatever all over again. Are you planning to write a book of advice to women and make squillions out of our insecurities?
    Sooory babe, its already been done!
    This is exactly why we need feminism; because any dude thinks he can tell any woman how ‘to be perfect’. Not because he has a degree in psychology, not because he is a certified relationship cousellor, but just cause he’s a dude! that aint enough, and you know it…dude.

  51. I,ve got some advice for you too Honey!
    Now that you find that near-perfect woman of yours, you better make sure you dont let your looks go and put out when she want, (including giving the big C word), or she gonna replace you with a younger, randier model.
    You gottta jump through those hoops your holding up too.
    Work for it baby! work it real hard!

  52. Well, I do agree that if a man wants to be head of the household he needs to make head of the household money.

    Everything else is right on.

  53. What kind of man feels threatened by lil’ ol’ Claire Huxtable?! answer; the kind of guy that walks around covering his balls all the time, just in case some uppity lady tries to get him a good un!
    Sweet dreams of Claire Huxtable with a big grin and an even bigger pair of garden shears…
    I’ve never read such sooky whingeing tosh in all mi life!

  54. Yeah, My chronically single girlfriends and I will beat your black arse raw and send you crying to your momma about how ladies just dont know how to treat a man these days…

  55. Some good advice there and I do believe women will listen. One thing though, from what I remember Clare Huxtable clearly adored Cliff.

  56. Looks are going to go whether someone lets them go or not.

    If you plan to be in a lifelong relationship, you must be comfortable with that reality, and have more that turns you on about the person than their looks…and more keeping you with them than the sex.

    I’m afraid that you are way off track, but you won’t figure it out until you’re older, if ever…or maybe when you really really find real love.

    When you do find that: someone you’re so bonded to that none of the crap matters except love and respect, re-read this post. You’ll laugh.

  57. this is right on! great subject cause most men have these issue with these worthless women now a days!!! Most women of the world today are full of shit very confused and manly as hell ! Bitch you can’t be a man so stop trying to grow a penis and stick with what god gave you!

  58. @Laura
    “One thing though, from what I remember Clare Huxtable clearly adored Cliff.”
    Yes, women routinely emasculate men they adore. That doesn’t mean it isn’t damaging to the relationship.

  59. This is a really good post. I only wish this information had been communicated to me in my teens. The point about women being influenced by the way women treat their partners in sitcoms/films is a very good one.
    And just to say that the really sad thing is that women do tease their partners as a sign of affection, we really do mean well in this regard, most of us are not trying to be malicious, it is a way of getting the partner’s attention and approbation; however unfortunately the neg works in a different way on the male ego.
    .-= SDaedalus´s last blog ..The Neander Slander? =-.

  60. Anything else? Agree about feminists and women wanting men to become women it is pathetic! But I for one would like a male next to me, not walk on glass stroking the male, delusional, EGO! If I want that, I’d have a kid:) Give me a break! “Respect and faith in abilities are more important than love” wow! Did it take you long to come up with this ? What type of love are you talking about? There can be no love with out respect, faith and devotion; here is a new word for your vocabulary, look it up:) The only thing that men are devoted to are their dicks! Respect the dick, have faith in the dick, the dick has abilities….. accept that the dick is a visual hunter, fuck dicks brains out, while dick wants to have hamburger every so often! etc., etc., bla bla bla! And how would dick like it if the same was done to it? oops male ego dick head would be devastated… poor fragile, animal like, chauvinist pigs… good luck with that!

  61. @ Diane

    This post is clearly not for you. If you do not like men (which is evident), then you needn’t bother yourself with reading posts about understanding them. Instead focus on yourself and search for the source of this anger and resentment. Men are NOT women. They see things differently and that is all this author was trying to say.

  62. Just read it and LOVE it.

    Like many of the other bloggers said, it’s not about changing your parter to think the way that you do, it’s respecting and accepting who one another is as a person…after that, it’s all good.

    In saying that, however, if a man wants me to stroke his ego, fuck his brains out, make him feel more than worthy, etc..he needs to earn those rights.

    I was in a relationship where I loved nothing MORE than to stroke my man’s ego, and build him up emotionally and boost his self esteem. I LOVED it. It gave me such pride to know that I was the woman behind the super awesome man!

    But the fellas just don’t get handed those gifts. They must earn them. If I, a successful, attractive, intelligent female chooses to give up total control over her life and allow a fellow to take on that “head of household” role (which I am more than happy to do!) and if I am going to spend the energy and recourses to build him up and make him feel like a “natural man”…he must earn that.

    How’s about an article on that? I date lots of guys…but I’m not willing to give them all of “dat” man stuff if they can’t even plan a date, speak to me respectfully, not complain about prices at restaurants…
    If I am going to believe in a man’s ability, how about he show me some ability?
    If I am going to stroke a man’s ego, what’s the ego all about? What do you have to offer?

    Am I missing the point here? Shall a guy make the first move and pursue a female or once a female has a guy’s attention, she should pull out all the stops and invest herself into making the man feel as manly as possible.

    I wanna get this right, but the dating scene where I’m from is rather difficult as well.

  63. this helps a lot and proves to be true in many past relationships of mine and my friends. thank you

  64. This site was suggested to me by a 30+ “friend”. I came of age during the 60′s CivilRightsMovement..Now that I have expose myself(smile)perhspa MY OPINION is expected. While I haven’t read every word of every post the jest I have glem from TR is what bothers me with a presistent attitude. In the middle of wearing sagging pants and not giving a “fuck”…today’s generation perpetuates “OMG my social life is threaten and its someone elses fault….
    .-= Charlotte Hill´s last blog ..HEALTH CARE REFORM Part 3 =-.

  65. Oops! Forgot to spell ck re-posting for clarity

    This site was suggested to me by a 30+ “friend”. I came of age during the 60′s CivilRightsMovement..Now that I have expose myself(smile)perhaps MY OPINION is expected. While I haven’t read every word of every post the jest I have gleam from TR is what bothers me with a prevailing attitude. In the middle of wearing sagging pants and not giving a “fuck”…today’s generation perpetuates “OMG my social life is threaten and its someone else’s fault….

  66. Mrs. Huxtable on May 31st, 2010 at 11:23 PM

    You sit here talking about how women are not the same as men and that men have needs etc. Well no wonder this is coming from a man’s point of view. I am a woman and I have needs. I work all day to make money for my family and when I come home I would like dinner to be made by my husband. I want to be able to travel all over the world for my job and know that my husband will take care of the kids. I want to come home to a clean house. I would like a massage as I sit on the couch and watch tv after a long day. Why the fuck can’t I have these things? Because fuck heads like you keep telling men that a stay-at-home dad is the equivalent of a failure. I have no problem with stay at home mom’s but im just saying let it be a choice. Women will do what they want now, just like men have since the beginning of time. If you have a problem with that go fuck yourself

  67. ThePerfectScore on June 24th, 2010 at 2:26 PM

    So far I’m reading the first part of the article I’d like to see where he got his PHD in Gender Studies or Sociology because obviously he knows nothing about patriarchy and differential socialization. His use of the term “feminist” is so blanketed that it should be deemed inaccurate because he’s looking at gender rights in such a limited and negative way….but anyway… I’m gona read the list.

    UUGHHH he’s soooooo he’s soooo ridgid in how he thinks the two “genders” should be. Like there is some innate “MAN” that all men must follow.

    I agree with number 2: I think everyone needs respect and validation.

    I believe in 3: “f you publicly build up your man’s ego, whether in front of his friends, family or even total strangers, he will think you’re the most wonderful woman in the world.” Both partners need to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders

    4… yeah.. lol

    5… Yes but in a lot of cases men give vague or no answers as to what’s wrong, and sometimes its good to have a third party look at the situation.

    6. Ok

    7. As long as he’s keeping up his looks. I have two eyes and both work…so he better be upholding his end. Also I look good for me, with or without a man.

    8. K

    9. K

    Read the list… I like the list. But my education is making me give some of his statements in the beginning the side eye. I know it’s a rant though and not a politically correct or academically accurate sociological analysis of gender relations in the Western world.

  68. I agree with this article, and I have heard similar advice in the church. Men need respect and women need to feel loved. The way to a man’s heart is to respect him and his ideas. As for not letting yourself go, well of course people get old but it really makes a man feel good when his significant other makes an effort to look attractive for him- even though she knows he loves her for the person inside. This is just another way of respecting him. I don’t care if I sound old fashioned, and maybe I am, but this article is really enlightening.

  69. “”Anything else? Agree about feminists and women wanting men to become women it is pathetic! But I for one would like a male next to me, not walk on glass stroking the male, delusional, EGO! If I want that, I’d have a kid:) Give me a break! “Respect and faith in abilities are more important than love” wow! Did it take you long to come up with this ? What type of love are you talking about? There can be no love with out respect, faith and devotion; here is a new word for your vocabulary, look it up:) The only thing that men are devoted to are their dicks! Respect the dick, have faith in the dick, the dick has abilities….. accept that the dick is a visual hunter, fuck dicks brains out, while dick wants to have hamburger every so often! etc., etc., bla bla bla! And how would dick like it if the same was done to it? oops male ego dick head would be devastated… poor fragile, animal like, chauvinist pigs… good luck with that!”

    Love this! This poster dosen’t hate men, she is just tired of loser guys trying to get us to believe that we have to walk on eggshells to be with a guy.Mrs. Huxtable is emasculating? You seriously need therapy….

  70. Loops ….I think you need to read “the power of now” a book by eckhart tolle, you will find yourself in those pages especially read about the pain body and the cyclical nature of our life experiences

  71. Nice theory book..but I don’t buy it. I’m not hurt of unforgiving…just willing to call BS on this post. I’m not willing to believe that men have so little sense of self that they need people around them walking on eggshells to make them feel secure in themselves. If you are so fragile..get some therapy and explore your childhood issues. This article is an atempt to get women to cater to these damaged guys and think that it is normal. It is not.Notice how self absorbed this whole post if it is the woman’s job to accept this weak mans issues and pull her whole weight in fixing it and being ok with it. I would like to see what the perfect man would bring to the table. That guy in the Girlfriend’s video was asking for it. You can give it, but you cant take it?

  72. Just read it and LOVE it.

    Like many of the other bloggers said, it’s not about changing your parter to think the way that you do, it’s respecting and accepting who one another is as a person…after that, it’s all good.

    In saying that, however, if a man wants me to stroke his ego, fuck his brains out, make him feel more than worthy, etc..he needs to earn those rights.

    I was in a relationship where I loved nothing MORE than to stroke my man’s ego, and build him up emotionally and boost his self esteem. I LOVED it. It gave me such pride to know that I was the woman behind the super awesome man!

    But the fellas just don’t get handed those gifts. They must earn them. If I, a successful, attractive, intelligent female chooses to give up total control over her life and allow a fellow to take on that “head of household” role (which I am more than happy to do!) and if I am going to spend the energy and recourses to build him up and make him feel like a “natural man”…he must earn that.

    How’s about an article on that? I date lots of guys…but I’m not willing to give them all of “dat” man stuff if they can’t even plan a date, speak to me respectfully, not complain about prices at restaurants…
    If I am going to believe in a man’s ability, how about he show me some ability?
    If I am going to stroke a man’s ego, what’s the ego all about? What do you have to offer?

    Am I missing the point here? Shall a guy make the first move and pursue a female or once a female has a guy’s attention, she should pull out all the stops and invest herself into making the man feel as manly as possible.

    I wanna get this right, but the dating scene where I’m from is rather difficult as well

    love this post as well. I’m willing to do all of these things, but not to just some random guy that thinks he is entitled just because. show me you are capable of these things and im all yours

  73. you dont need to know on July 17th, 2010 at 6:11 PM

    I would say this is very well written.. very interesting, and the FIRST PART was very true and actually how i’ve felt for a long time now about other women but just never knew how to explain it in words. so very good job on that. but I think I have another point of view considering its coming from a women, and possibly a more accurate one too. Not once in my life has a guy failed to completely fall in love with me, guys from all different categories and slightly different age groups. I’ve been told I am or represent the perfect girl at least 20 times. Now, you might read that and think “of course, guys say that all the time to sleep with a women” or maybe that I’m naive. But I’m very good at reading people, and not judging cause I try very hard to not judge people without evidence or facts. And I can say this, the feelings that go along with those words are very real. The basic obsessiveness that comes out of guys that are usually not that way, is very real. The behavior, the things they say, the way they look at you, the way they cant go a day without talking to you, makes these words very real. AND here’s my intuition- you must be very versatile. You have to be able to be caring and sweet, but still be assertive and honest with your man. Yes rule number four i will agree with, FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT! Don’t be scared to do lots of research and learning on how to get better in bed, after all it is a skill. Skills take knowledge and experience. And since your here, the internet is chock full of information on the best secrets, tips, and remedy’s that will never fail to amaze your man. And here you must be versatile too, don’t be shy to try new things and experiment. Yet remain a confident women and keep your self respect. Guys love smart women, and well the ones who don’t you don’t want to bother with anyways, trust me on that one. Obviously I don’t mean book smart either, there is no better way to connect with someone then a very deep personal conversation. Try to keep it about things that interest him also. If you know a lot about the subject, and are able to impress and relate to him deeply, it’s a big plus on your part! Treat him like hes the only one who matters, yet give him lots of space and do not i repeat DO NOT be needy or clingy. Basically this rule applies to almost everything. You just need to be very good at reading situations and people and know when to apply it and how much. Every man has different needs, different things he likes, and you need to be keen on figuring them out. and FAST. Good luck fellow ladies

  74. Your guidelines are fair and wise, and yet my douche sense won’t stop tingling.

    Yes, we should all be so lucky as to have a lover who wants to please us. A lover who respects us, builds us up and turns us on. A lover who knows the right answer to a reasonable request: “Yes dear”, not “Give me liberty or give me death!” Any man OR woman who doesn’t want this kind of treatment is a masochistic freak.

    So…you’ve taken some obvious facts about human beings and spun them as a bitter truth for women only. Why? I don’t buy your cover story about a come-to-Jesus talk for a sex that’s unilaterally ripped up the social contract. Last I checked the women still had the babies, did most of the housework, suffered most of the intimate violence and took a major economic hit from it all. Whatever standard we’ve fallen short of is far from equality.

    Perhaps you could write a follow-up and explain how you’d deal with OUR need for respect, a sense of mastery in life and some fun in bed. Without denying these are things a woman needs; without implying she can only have them by stealing them from a more deserving man. Till then you’ll make a lot more sense if we just assume you’re not alpha enough to admit that a blowup doll is all the woman you can handle.

  75. I agree with flashdark!!!!

  76. Interesting article but I don’t really understand what you mean by “letting her looks go”. Do you mean getting fat? Because not all women get fat, and even if they do, weight is known to be the best preserver of youth. Or do you mean age? Because this cannot be helped as long as time moves forward. You would have to resort to expensive and ultimately ineffective cosmetic surgery or invent a time machine. Or do you in fact mean health? So where does that leave that important little line of the sacred promise: “In sickness and in health”? Because life is stressful, people get sick, and with sickness looks are lost. Or are you only talking about having the perfect woman for a little while, until you get sick of her? (Excuse the pun).

  77. I agree but the article but it works for both male and female, it isn’t a gender issue it’s how to be the perfect partner. LOVE/RESPECT, faith and devotion etc…… but most important is letting you partner be themselves- this is very difficult because men and women sometimes want different things – very few people want to be house husands/wifes (unforunately women have the babies therefore have to be a home for abit) everyone wants to be head of the household both male and female and both men and women need there EGO’s stroked ! Good job/security/loving partner who shares the household tasks 50/50! both partners need to work nowdays due to the ecomic situation. Ultimately give as good as you get treat them like you want to be treated yourself and if your really good treat them i you think they want to the treated. Anyone who takes SATC as a guide to life is an idiot but it is good when they get there tits out lol only kidding ;-) Do agree on a whole in western society some men need to man up more (and most men can but they need a women to give them confidence to do so) and some women need a reality check.

  78. There is no such thing as perfect person. Just be yourself and you will attract your ideal partner.

  79. If she loves me and supports me, she’s almost the perfect woman for me. If she then gets breast implants for me, then she is the perfect woman for me.

  80. Another very good post. To me, perfect is someone who trust and communicates.

  81. Good post, and it makes sense, however how come I try to be all of these and yet the one person whom I like and I try to boost up his ego and compliment him all the time and support and respect his decisions, will not come out and say whether he likes me or not, he just sometimes acts as if he likes me and sometimes not! he has put me in a roller coaster of emotions, giving me signals that he likes me and then he doesn’t contact me for couple of weeks!! As for me and many woman, if he was straight up with me and told me whether he cares for me or not, then I would have done whatever in my power to make him feel like a man…so the conclusion I am getting is that there is no such thing as a perfect woman, because it seems like when a man find a perfect woman mentioned here he shy away and perhaps get intimidated by her! I am not saying I am perfect but I have been doing whatever in my power to make him feel like he is on top of the world and yet its not working out. man seem to go more for someone who pushes them around and be bossy and bitchy, even if she is not pretty at all, thats what I have been seeing in all around me.They seem to not care for nice girls who are smart and beautiful at them same time, and always see those girls as friends…

  82. The woman who writes this blog needs to read this. By the way great post.

  83. Read this article years ago, however I was amazed by some of the later comments. Did everyone skip the introduction?
    It’s a personal blog…about a theme week…with a subject called ‘the perfect woman’…in the form of a “hopefully constructive RANT”

    Political correctness would be counterproductive on a heavy and delicate subject as this. But nowhere it says that this is the full picture of a relationship. What it does show is that the author is a male, purposely writing about a male perspective.
    If it works for you, take it with you. And if it doesn’t, lay it down and no harm done.

    These days there’s a lot of turmoil when it comes to relationships between men & women. This latest generation new ideas have come up, that have never before been implemented, not in 10.000 years. Thus it’s no surprise that so many (if not all) of us have trouble placing ourselves within this enigma.

    We are not only man or woman, we are all different and all our own person. What we do have in common is that we are all human and in being so none of us is perfect or always right.
    Personally I would like to see the much used word ‘equality’ change to ‘equal valued’ and let every man and woman follow their own path in this life to choose who they are.

  84. “There is no such thing as perfect person. Just be yourself and you will attract your ideal partner.”

    Seems like a defeatist attitude. What if you’re a slob? Then the natural ideal partner, also a slob, is hardly ideal.

    Sometimes it is better to put in the effort to CHANGE if it means you can get a better partner.

  85. I have to say….I am impressed with the life this posting has had since my adding to the conversation several years ago. It speaks to the enormous power of its unique take on male and female intimacy issues…..Congratulations guys!

  86. this is utter crap.

  87. It’s always interesting to be privy to an honest belief. And, even being a woman, I have to agree with most of what you wrote. Almost all of it is applicable to what I consider to be a good friend too. The only thing I have to disagree with, just a little bit, is your comment on how society programs us to view how we look. As a dancer especially, I have been molded from a very young age to be hyper critical of my appearance. Hell, my mother, who is a colonel, and very good looking for her age, is constantly obsessing over her appearance (not makeup and hair, but rather weight and health). I guess all women are different though. I care alot about my weight, probably due to dance, but I know that I look fine without makeup. I wear a little anyway, just because it feels great when someone says, “you are gorgeous”.

  88. Hahaha your girlfriend can keep you.
    My hubby respects the fact that times have progressed and that women and wife don’t mean the same things anymore.
    I give him the respect he deserves and he gives me mine. I cook, he cooks, I clean, he cleans, we both contribute to our joined incomes and at times, I’ve made a little more than him which he was put out at first about and eventually accepted. When I broke my leg, he took the week off work and did all the housework and took care of me. When the mother he hasn’t seen in 15 years visited, I scrubbed the house and played the perfect submissive DIL.
    Our friends envy us. The only thing we have to lack in our relationship is my imperfect uterus which has been a source of trauma for me but he has been more than supportive. We fight but like actual adults. I couldn’t live without him.
    And I am a feminist and he hasn’t bought into the idea that feminism has ruined the world. He still finds a problem with the fact that his brother who holds the same position as me at work makes more money. He’s enlightened.
    That’s what I love most. He knows I’m a woman and he knows that I know that I’m a woman. He understands that women can be ambitious and not all women need to be domesticated slaves. In turn, I get that he’s a man and that he spends half his spare time in the garage fiddling with car parts. Not because I want to fiddle with car parts too, he gets me and he gets what I’m all about without trying to shove traditionalist discrimination down my throat (why should he when he can be doing other things with my mouth?). He realizes that I’m a woman and I realize that he’s a man. And surprise, we both know we can do that equally.
    He’s not you.
    That’s why he’s my ideal man.

  89. Thank you for this post :)
    While a part of me doesn’t like to admit that I believe in gender roles, as I was born in 1989 and have spent my college years in Los Angeles, where it’s hard to distinguish the men from the women, I very much like this post.
    I currently have a very manly Russian boyfriend, whom I really love. He takes care of me and I take care of him. The only thing that’s hard for me to get over sometimes is when he doesn’t want to talk about his emotions, etc. And this post is a good reminder that just as I love him for being more stoic, less jealous, more punctual, etc. than I am, I need to also love and respect the fact that he’s not an emotional woman! I wouldn’t even like that.
    And I would like to mention, that a relationship that acknowledges gender differences doesn’t have to have all the conventional roles! My boyfriend happens to love to cook and clean, so he all of that. He won’t even let me cook. And I appreciate it! So I give him massages and try to find ways I can do things for him. I just think that acknowledging the differences between men and women allows us to find more ways to give to each other! And right now my Russian boyfriend is in Russia and I’m in LA. Knowing that he’s saving up to come to see me, and that he’s going running and taking care of himself, I do think it’s reasonable to watch my figure! Maybe it’s easy because I’m young, but I think that every little thing we can do for the other person, in a mutually giving relationship, is great! The more I do for him, the more he wants to do for me. The more he does for me, the more I want to do for him. It’s nice. :)

  90. fuck you dude

  91. Why should women have to try so hard to meet all these standards for a man? We already do so many things just to look the way we do every damn day. Men just roll out of bed and expect us to fall all over them. My question is why should I be willing to keep up on my looks, boost his ego and pretend I respect him even when he dissapoints me, so that his ego can be boosted? I shouldnt have to act all sweet and feminine and not to mention “fuck his brains out” then also go through the trouble of faking an orgasm to “boost his ego” because most men realistically don’t even realize they arent giving there woman the same pleasure shes giving him. Then in the end were the ones still left feeling inadequate/unappreciated when were the ones doing all this. Why should I be someones “bitch”? If anything the men need to prove themselves worthy of having any amazing woman, and be appreciative when they do.

  92. I agree with Christina why should I have to meet those standards. How about The Perfect Man – a how to guide where men understand the needs and nature of a woman.

  93. Enjoy your cats, above two.

  94. Alice Ophelia on July 24th, 2011 at 11:07 PM

    Very good read.

    Being a Girl who has gotten along better with guys more than girls my whole life. Most off this is not a surprise, The part about a mans ego made me sit here nodding. This is why I avoid those macho guys to be honest, even is they are just as friends My boyfriend off 2 years is a nerdy guy and I love him that way! A thing I want men to know that, despite girls going for bad boy jerks who only play games. I find guys who don’t constantly prove their strength to the bitter end at all costs, Strong, Because they are confident. Confidence is still sexy btw ;)

    It’s also interesting what you said about feminism. That women want to be men with women rights, I love Feminism to the extent that in the eye off the law and society we are equal and have equal pay, the right to vote etc. I love that. But people forget men and women are actually different I mean women have skill that are great in the work force, that are different to men, That is the appeal about women workers. I am not saying all women be house wives, it’s not for all women. But being feminine is not a bad thing!! And as for feminists saying if a women does something for a man she is slave, they don’t get relationships… Relationships go both ways he does stuff for you, supports you and helps you, and you do stuff for him!! Support him, and be a girlfriend, if you do housework, it’s not bad! Otherwise he is the slave. I love how feminism gave me the vote, and in some ways we still need it to keep the balance, but some feminists take things to far, beyond equal rights to the woman ruling the world, Which is unfair and hypercritical. There are jerks for men out there, I guess the trick is don’t go for them and go for nicer guys. Nice guys exist. I know a lot off them.

    Another thing to mention is Feminism says Chivalry is sexist, and if a woman stays at home she is a slave, even if it is her choice. But Feminism is about what women want and giving them a voice. What about women who want to be a stay at home mum and focus on her family?? It won’t take rights away from women who want to work. And Chivalry is still enjoyed by women, I like it when men do that. And men don’t cause they are confused on weather women would be offended or not. So I don’t blame men for that. My ex boyfriend once got kicked off the bus for calling a female bus driver ‘love’ which seems a bit silly to me.

    From what I have learned talking to my Close male friends, they don’t want their girlfriends to be giggling twits for slaves. They just want respect to go both ways. Guys that want a mindless Zombie for a girlfriend however are not real men. I avoid them xD

    As for option 4, That is a definite truth about men. You had no need to explain further.

  95. After reading all those requirements all i can think is THANK god I’m still single lol! Sounds like a lot of work there! Full-time job description? And some people say women are high maintenance! Wheh! I do agree with some of your points however – everyone needs to feel respected – I really disagree about the one that says women are not as biologically wired to appreciate looks in men…men are in fact more likely to let their own personal attractivness slack because they think women don’t care but this is not at all true. Women just don’t feel as entitled to complain about it. Being a woman I do value looks such as a man’s personal sense of style – the way he dresses, grooms and carries himself and stays in shape does matter to me and and it says something about who he is and I find many more men underestimate this than women! Women are always getting their hair done or getting new clothes, dieting and makeup etc etc.

  96. What a load of misogynist bullshit. Not only is it misogynist, this degrades ALL genders.
    I’m pretty much speechless with disgust. It’s almost unbelieveable that so many people agree with this.

  97. A lot of voices here seem dissgruntled by this list because it sounds like some opressive patriarch tries to replace the christian 10 commandments with these points but those voices fail to see that this list is supposed to be relevant exclusively to your relationship with your significant other and to a lesser extent towards other men you hold dear and not so much the male gender as a whole. Is it unreasonable to ask for love,respect and some social tact from a person you wish to share your life with? You may ask what has this man done to deserve such behaviour and I ask in return why are you with a man that is undeserving of it?

    The use of feminism in this post is not so much the idea of gender equality but is more directed towards the movement which has largely abandoned such ideals. These days the movement cares more for female empowerment than gender equality and has no qualms with achieving female empowerment by standing on the backs of men. Why else would the feminist movement rage against the equal parenting act or promote things such affirmative action and other similar policies?

    Also how is it sexist if men prefere woman to stay home for the kids? I assume it is an Anglo-Saxon thing since over here(Netherlands) work is seen as a necesary evil and for a woman to be able to exclusively attend house chores and children is the greatest gift a man can give to his children and wife. I suppose it isn’t all that surprising that we rank highest in child well-being. Maybe if you value consumerism over children it may offend you but many people here don’t share those values which doesn’t necesarily make us misogynist but merely different unless you wish to claim that prefering the well-being of children over consumerist concerns is sexist by definition.

    If it were not for the fact that the majority of this blog is about self-improvement and finding and keeping a woman of high quality there may have been reason for some outrage but the suggestions made in this list are modest compared to those made towards men in some of the other articles.

  98. I really appreciated this honest advice and outlook, and based on my relationship experience (I am a woman), I can definitely say that I agree and truly aspire to be the woman that you’re describing. Men meet me almost automatically just know that I’m the one, the end, their true love. But oddly, they also get completely terrified of just how perfect it is, and they run. My last relationship involved couples counseling and my boyfriend said I scared him to death because I was perfect and what he always wanted. 2 weeks later he pretty much disappeared from my life, but randomly sends me texts keeping me in his life. Same exact situation happened with someone else right when the relationship was at its richest, most exciting point. So I guess now I’m wondering, can men actually handle their perfect woman? Or when they meet her in the flesh does it take away from the hunt? Does it make them suddenly feel pressured to be just as perfect and cause them to run being this pressure is just too much? I’d love advice on this

  99. This made me feel physically ill. It’s so incredibly sexist I feel sorry for you and any misguided moron that believes any of this. You sound like you have never ever respected a woman in your life. Woman are not made to complement men, good god. Pander to your own damn ego.

  100. Apparently only half of those that read this actually realize this is written to be one sided. As mentioned before, you could also write a “perfect man” version of this.

    However I find it most shocking that so few have a sense of history.
    Thinking that how we view the world and it’s relationships today, has always been like this and will never change. This couldn’t be further from the thruth unfortunately.
    We try to cram these new rules into a very old human society and then we are amazed at how many relationships fail these days.

    Maybe we should first learn about our own ancient legacy, before we start to throw around popular terms.

  101. Bravo, excellent post. I am a woman, agree with each of the points listed here, and put them into practice with each of the men in my life be they friends, family, or romantic relationships. I’m fascinated by male psychology and find myself always wanting to learn more about how men think as it’s clear to me that the thought processes of men are completely different than women. Not better or worse, simply just different. Thank you for being so direct, open, and honest. It’s much appreciated.

    Reading through some of the most recent comments just made me feel sad. Too many women (dare i say most?) are so damn brainwashed by misguided feminist dogma, bitter, and delusionaly entitled (“Why should I have to meet those standards, what about men?”) that it’s just painful to read. Misguided and false feminist ideas have turned women into men who want to turn men into women. The result is bitterness, anger, frustration, and male/ female relationships in complete shambles. Obviously it isn’t working. Women need to learn to understand men, not change them. Posts like this would be a perfect way to start. Keep up the good work.

  102. I’ll never understand how a woman can EXPECT a man to do things like change a light bulb/ tire, fix a chair, or pay the mortgage, yet a man can’t EXPECT a sandwich. Men and women are NOT equal. Okay, I agree, women should be allowed to vote, blah-di-blah-blah etc. We are capable of making our own decisions, and should be allowed to. We ALL need to accept the fact that we are not equal, though. We have a different genetic code, and we are biologically very different. We produce different hormones, which in turn make our brains and bodies work very differently. We have different anatomy, and different biological functions. Women are designed for child birth and maternity and we’re graced with big beautiful breasts to feed and nourish our babies (and possibly other things). We are genetically designed to stay at home and raise the kids – for a while at least. I think it’s absolutely fantastic that women are now able to have great jobs with great pay and can contribute to the family income, but we mustn’t forget what we are MADE for and what our basic, innate, primary function is. Same goes for men, though they generally don’t have this issue. Testosterone flows through your veins, giving you strength and dominance to find the best job (though in early civilization it was more likely for the best hunk of meat) to provide for your family. You are genetically designed as the protector and provider. Now I know this sounds very “caveman theory” of gender roles, and I admit I do often go back to the caveman theory of life to ground myself – but the truth is, it’s society and culture that have influenced gender roles, first with prejudice and discrimination against women, and now HYPER-FEMINISM, and I think we need to get back to the basics; our scientific, biological, genetically indisputable roles. Society, culture and class shouldn’t affect your behavior – and letting it do so is, in my opinion, superficial. “Times have progressed.” Yes, they have, and now we can have jobs and vote and have equal education and blah blah blah – but we STILL HAVE A VAGINA!!!!!! We STILL have the same hormones and the same biology and that is absolutely INDISPUTIBLE. Men can (and do) cook and clean every now and then, just as we can work and we can change the tire. Men have larger muscles, are stronger, and have hormones which make them more dominant, meaning they can have the better job to provide. It’s science! I am a REAL woman, and I’m ready to make a SANDWICH….. in a bikini…..

  103. You are an asshole

  104. This is awesome! Your spot on with everything and especially the media, because in just about every sitcom now the “dad” is the idiot for example: Married w/ Children, Cosby Show, Everybody Loves Raymond, Kings & Queens, etc etc etc…look around you and wonder why the day’s of Leave it to Beaver where it portraid a happy home and wonder why the divorce rate was lower! And the women were far less stressed out because they let their man do the providing and stopped trying to play “anything you can do I can do better”!! So the men are sitting back because their egos are stomped and the women are parading around bitching that there are no more men in the world!


    And by the way I’m a WOMAN!

  105. Just A Man, Man on December 29th, 2011 at 8:30 PM

    Progress to women has increasingly become getting the corner office, working long hours, going to grad school, racking up sex partners, not learning to cook or do housework and binge drinking on the weekend

    I fail to see whats wrong with most of this. How is going to grad school wrong and enjoying beer wrong? Hopefully that means she won’t fall in love with fucking faggot vampires that sparkle and she doesnt expect me to buy all her shit. I dont mind buying gifts but I am not her daddy and I wont be acting like it. Nothing wrong with sex partners either, I love me a woman that knows wtf they are doing and doesnt have these shitfucked hangups about what woman should or shouldnt be or how much sex they should get to enjoy.

  106. I found this link through a friends friends site, i find it refreshing and very true, i think many men try and get this point across but come across as well MEN lol they dont understand us and we will never understand them and as soon as we all agree to disagree life will be easy. the only thing i didnt quiet understand or i guess agree with is that their ambitions are more important then their relationships, was it supposed to come across as if you respect their ambitions and support them then your relationship will be better then on the other side if you dont they will just leave you because they have to be trusted. My idea is if you talk them down and (i loved your clair huxtable syndrome) dont trust them they will feel as if you are trying to be their mother. no one needs another parent , who wants to have sex with their mother?? anyway i just wanted to tell you i appreciated this and really enjoyed it and i got off talking and talking and you get it.

  107. I think the difference of views, respect, sex, not letting your looks go, and be interesting are all valid, but I think they definitely NEED to work both ways – and to be honest, often men do not hold up their end of the bargain.
    I do not think women are meant exclusively to complement men, but they complement each other, but they’re also their own entity. I think this argument is a bit ridiculous these days as it completely excludes lesbian and gay couples, as does most of this genetic/caveman talk.
    I think a true gentleman, would want his girl to earn equal pay AND he would still pay for his dates. Those who ask for the pleasure…
    But obviously she can thank him in other ways, in the bedroom, giving him a night out with the boys, a massage, ironing his shirts and cooking him a nice dinner.
    It really is utter bullshit that because women vote and get more pay (which we don’t really) you won’t hold the door open for us anymore, or give us a seat on the train.
    Chivalry is dead alright, but feminism didn’t kill it, men’s bro tastic eternal adolescence did, men were always going to look for an excuse to take the easy way out to do what they want.
    A relationship is a partnership, I saw a survey by a dating site in the papers that british men don’t want a partner who earns more than 25 000 pounds. To me that seems really backwards. In a healthy relationship I think 2 people wouldn’t care who earns what and would just be working towards the common goal of a house, a holiday or schools for their kids. I agree with one of the way early comments about how a man can provide the firm discipline and adventure.
    I don’t see how having a woman who has been to grad school (educated), wants the corner office (ambitious and has goals and direction) and has had sexual partners (adventurous, confident, experienced) is a bad thing, or makes her a man.
    A man clearly has male genitals, male physique, male views, male hormones, male genes. No woman can duplicate that and I don’t think going to college and getting a job is really trying, she’s just trying to make the most out of life and not be tooo dependent on a man, in case she can’t find one.
    I don’t see a lot of women trying to men, I see women looking for relationships and men either looking for casual sex and a party boy lifestyle or mastubatory dream.
    I think my parents have an awesome relationship, they’ve been together 26 years. Yes my mum stays at home and took care of us kids. But guess what, my dad goes to work and he comes home and after she’s cooked dinner and fed the animals, he does the dishes, takes the bins out, gives her a rest. And on the weekend he cleans the spa and mows the lawns. She’s busy all day and so is he. They are each others best friends. They still go away overseas together without us. And she spends money on nice clothes, make up and goes to the gym to do pilates etc. He keeps in shapes, neither of them have let themselves go and both look about 15 years younger than they are.
    But I know if my mum had wanted a career he would have supported her and not been threatened if she did earn money. She doesn’t pander to his ego, she is honest, but kind and loving, so is he and they both tease each other a little. Whats a relationship without a laugh?
    This relationship isnt always sustainable, we haven’t been without money issues and mortgages its hard to depend on JUST a male provider its not as easy as they make it out to be. Just as its not easy to be a working mum either, or a stay at home dad.
    I don’t buy into this manly man bullshit. I don’t want a man to be like a woman, but I don’t think he needs to be obsessed with asserted himself and his power. A little compromise with both parties goes a long way.
    While the essence of what you’ve said an ideal woman is, is basically right although you’ve neglected her intelligience or charm or wit or anything else that might make a man truly fall in love and make her seem a bit like a stepford wife….there ARE misogynist undertones there, and misguided views about feminism.
    I don’t really consider myself a feminist but I am sick of men using women and such…I don’t know. I’d say I believe in basic human rights but I got told off and lectured about that once. I dont know.
    I just know what I’ve seen works, and while I may not have that yet, I know the right man for me will respect truth and honesty and equality and chivalry as much as he will respect me and that he will also have to be a gentleman, not a neanderthal..we’ve evolved for a reason – ie.. sexy intelligent singer songwriters or artists are more appealing than league players for example. To me anyway IMHO.
    On that irrelevant note…

  108. this is fucking awful.

  109. Great blog. This is so true. I’ve been trying to explain this to my girlfriend for months. Hopefully she gets it now after hearing it from someone else. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  110. Thank you so much! You absolutely inspired me to be imperfect in every way in order to avoid attracting a sexist, immature, self-conscious douche like you.

  111. I understand that I read a man’s point of view and I know guys think differently to us girls but don’t be so uptight! You have shown such a negative view of women and love, and I’m definitely not some raging feminist, but us women are up and down and it may seem confusing to a guy like you. But you need to understand that nobody can explain why men and women do things like they do.
    Why is it that now all you want from us is sex and for us to worship you or something? I have been happily married for 5 years now and even my husband agrees that you don’t know a thing about love and marriage and that to make it work it requires passion from both partners, love and commitment and I feel sorry for you, because from reading what you wrote hear, you obviously don’t possess any of these things and probably wont be able to find love.

    I’m sorry if this came out rudely but it’s true…

  112. I refer to my other comments on DC’s perfect woman blog post regarding ego support.

    Going a little further on those comments, and tying into your Cliff Huxtable reference above:

    Cliff (aka Cosby) is strong enough in his self identity to withstand gentle ribbing by his wife. Not everyone has the fragile ego that your admit to. The fact you admit to having a fragile ego, and the fact that you assume everyone else also has a fragile ego–an ego so fragile it would be irrevocably damaged by the gentle ribbing of Claire Huxtable?!–says that one, you have a fragile ego (duh) and two, you are a narcissist.

    The couple you highlighted in that Girlfriend’s clip above is a bad comparison to the Huxtables. I don’t watch the show, but I imagine that that couple is doomed. Are they married or just engaged? Either way, that scene reveals that the couple has some issues. Issues that are much deeper than the shit Claire drops on Cliff. At the very least, that couple should have had that entire conversation in private, not in front of their leering friends.

    As for the Cosby’s…Claire is fucking with Cliff in a pretty harmless, and possibly constructive way. She’s saying, hey, I’m not going to buy in to this story that you’re telling. She’s literally keeping it real. She’s literally forcing Cliff to accept reality. And Cliff, because he has a strong sense of self, is able to accept that. He doesn’t get butthurt because his wife called out his bullshit.

    You, on the other hand, are so lacking in selfness, that you over identify with a TV character, and get personally offended when someone calls out his bullshit. While you watched those scenes on The Cosby Show, you were probably thinking, “what if someone called me on my bullshit? What if someone called me out like that? Holy shit, I would be pissed. How dare someone question my sense of self, the image I have carefully constructed and will defend at all costs!”

    indeed, what if…

  113. I shouldn’t be a total asshole.

    Here. Go here.

    Maybe it will help. It probably won’t, but maybe it will. you can still fuck hot girls. I promise.

  114. I see you reference TLP on recent posts a couple times. Nevermind.

  115. This is frankly laughable. I wonder which woman in your life was the one who emasculated you. Mummy?

  116. Claudia is probably a man, using a woman’s name to give his argument more panache