First off, a little mood music:
((“Wonderwall” by Ryan Adams))
Musclebound pervert/comedic blogging genius VK came up with an awesome idea for a theme week of blog posts featuring posts from Roissy, VK, DC Hero, Roosh and yours truly. The theme is Perfect Woman Week. Roissy kicked it off Monday and killed it on the spiritual poetry tip. VK followed up on Tuesday, pulled a head fake and a crossover dribble and shocked us all with his romantic sensitivity. And today is my turn. How the fuck do I follow after that? I can’t compete with those touching posts, so I’m going to take it in the opposite direction and show my age with a good old-fashioned angry, yet hopefully constructive rant.
Like most men, my standards for the perfect woman changed as I aged. They started off low at around 16-18 when the perfect woman was basically any girl that had a pulse and would agree to have sex with me (and honestly, I think if push came to shove the pulse would have been optional). That was the sheer quantity stage. I didn’t care if she looked like Monica Bellucci or Monica Seles. The standards changed again in my late 20s when my game really started sharpening, I started making better money and I started demanding more from women in the looks, personality and ambition departments.
But after a lot of dating in the big city, you hopefully reach the point where your standards change from a laundry list of superficial features about hair, looks, height, etc. to just one simple overarching feature: respect the male ego, self-esteem and identity. I think more than anything this is the common thread in why a lot of relationships fail. This is more important than anything else to me now, because so few modern women know how to do this anymore, especially after progressive feminism combined with excessive pampering and building up of expectations from their parents (especially fathers) has really done a number on their heads.
I have no problem with women being equal to men. But feminism along with pampering fathers messed women up by trying to convince them that being equal to men meant being exactly the same as men, except with less accountability and more entitlement to special treatment just for being a woman. And this is wrong. Women can see themselves as equal, but they shouldn’t be seeing themselves as being the same. Women today have been trained to become men with long hair and vaginas. Progress to women has increasingly become getting the corner office, working long hours, going to grad school, racking up sex partners, not learning to cook or do housework and binge drinking on the weekend, while giving up a lot of the things that made them unique and strong as women. Instead of complementing the male gender, the female of the species now aims to duplicate the male gender, and she’s lost a lot of what made her so special to begin with.
Yet at the same time, they still expect traditional treatment when it’s convenient to them. So chivalry is still expected, men are still supposed to pay for everything, open doors, jump through hoops, bend over backwards, fix the problems they can’t fix for themselves, etc. All these factors combined to make it so that any attempt to please or cater to a man was automatically seen as a sign of weakness, self-hate or even glorified slavery. If a woman chose to stay at home and be a housewife she was a pariah. Cooking for a man or doing housework became a form of oppressive servitude. Then it reached the point where catering to and building up the male ego became the same as devaluing your worth as a woman. No matter how much money you make, paying for something on a date is still a no-no.
Some women won’t give men what they want because they feel it’ll compromise their feminist ideas, while other women want to give men what they want but can’t because men have become so emasculated and confused about their male identity they either can’t express what they want or worst-case scenario, don’t even know.
Which is where I come in. Women, I will teach you how to be the perfect woman in a relationship. Not just for me, but for every man. Stop listening to beta males and bitter, delusional feminists. Listen to an actual man and I’ll set you straight.
- Realize that men view things differently than women, and those differences in view are equally valid and worthy of respect. Don’t try to turn your man into a woman. Don’t try to make him resolve his problems like a woman. Don’t chastise him for not thinking or emoting or talking things to death like you. You don’t have to understand why he sees things so differently than you, but you do have to respect his differences as equally valid. Men are not inclined to talk in circles about every problem until they’re emotionally drained. Respect that. For you it’s cathartic, for us it’s hell. It doesn’t mean we respect the problem less than you do, it just means that what’s a therapeutic method for you is not necessarily one for us.
- Respect and faith in abilities are more important to a man than love. This is the hardest for a woman to grasp, and it’s an ugly truth, but if you don’t grasp and accept this you’ll always have relationship problems. If men had to choose between feeling (a) loved yet disrespected and inadequate or (b) unloved but respected and competent, a vast majority would choose choice (b). To men, love without feelings of respect and adequacy from their partner is a more hellish fate than receiving no love at all. And if you don’t give them respect and a feeling of competence, they will seek that validation elsewhere. I don’t just mean from other women, although that’s likely. It can be from a hobby that they know they’re good at, it can be at the gym, it can be from sports, it can be from writing in his study, it can be from his male friends that make him feel like he’s a great guy…there are tons of places he may withdraw to to get the validation he feels he lacks from you. Which in turn may cause you to nag him for not paying enough attention to you. Which in turn may just drive him further into his alternative source of validation. And then you get a vicious cycle.
- Even the men who appear the strongest secretly have a fragile ego. One of the biggest secrets men have is how delicate our egos are. If you publicly build up your man’s ego, whether in front of his friends, family or even total strangers, he will think you’re the most wonderful woman in the world. Yet feminism and the media has given woman some strange mental block about this, as if doing so is some admission of weakness on their part. I call this the Claire Huxtable syndrome. I know it’s blasphemy for an ’80s kid to say this, but I hate the Cosby Show and I really fucking hate Claire Huxtable. Every chance she got, she emasculated Cliff for laughs in front of his parents, his friends and even his own children. And a generation of Americans ate it up and grew up thinking it was hilarious. Try watching several episodes of the Cosby Show now and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Cliff gets up, tells some story from his youth about some accomplishment he was proud of and may exaggerate a little. And almost immediately afterwards here comes Claire to set the record straight, poke holes in Cliff’s ego and embarrass Cliff by letting everyone know “what really happened.” And it ends with everyone in the room laughing at Cliff’s expense. Nowadays we see this dynamic as the norm in the media when marriages are depicted in sitcoms and commercials. It’s always depicted as cute and harmless. Is it any wonder public disrespect of men by their significant others, whether in the form of backhanded compliments or “harmless jokes” or outright chewing out, is practically an epidemic now? Below is a perfect illustration from the show Girlfriends, except instead of making it seem harmless, to the show’s credit it actually shows the devastating effect such behavior has on a man’s self-esteem:
- Fuck his brains out. Self-explanatory.
- If he’s telling you what’s wrong with the relationship, and your bitter manless friends are telling you something different is wrong with the relationship, listen to him over them. Those chicks are manless for a reason. And misery loves company. (this especially applies to black women, who for some reason seem to especially give a lot of weight to what their chronically single and bitter friends think)
- A man’s mission and purpose are more important to him than his relationships. Respect his ambition. Women tend to be geared more toward security and relationships. Men, however, have a need to conquer. To hunt. To compete. To master things. It’s a hard truth for women to grasp, but most men, if forced to choose between conquering their ultimate mission and reaching their highest purpose in life or getting a happy relationship, they’d choose the former. Modern society doesn’t give us that many avenues to exercise those needs any more except in our careers, which leads to a lot of frustration in the modern man. So unless your man is talking about taking some seriously foolish or dangerous risks, support him in his personal ambitions to the best of your ability, even if you can’t totally understand them. Make him think he can achieve his lofty goals, and let him know you’ll still love and respect him even if he tries and fails. A real man would rather try his best and fail than never try at all.
- Don’t let your looks go. Call it shallow, but men are programmed by nature to be visual creatures. We can’t help it. Just because you aren’t biologically and culturally programmed to value looks as much as we do doesn’t mean you should dismiss men’s preoccupation with looks as shallow and stupid. This is one of the easiest ways to keep your man happy, yet so many women foolishly underestimate and slack in this area.
- Being a provider is a major part of a man’s identity, even if you make money too. So be sure to show appreciation for what a man contributes as a provider, and be understanding of a man’s depression when he feels like he comes up short in this area.
- Be an interesting person. Have hobbies (shopping doesn’t count). Have topics you like to read about. Be able to converse on a wide range of things. Have well thought out viewpoints. Travel and have experiences. Have a wide range of friends. In this age of narcissism and self-absorption, too many people presume they’re more interesting than they are for no apparent reason. Don’t be one of them.
And there you have it. My perfect woman. And the perfect woman for a lot of men out there I suspect.
And tomorrow this guy drops some knowledge about the perfect woman. I can’t wait.
A lot of this can be found in two books For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. The latter is actually written for men, but I think if women read it they’d gain a lot of insight into the spiritual dilemmas men deal with.