Real Love vs. Fake Love

I’ll be returning to full posts soon. In the meantime, some food for thought:

It ties into many posts I’ve made here in the past few years, but I won’t spell out how. I think it should be obvious to anyone who’s been paying attention, but experience has taught me you can never assume. For example, I’ve come across people online who have apparently read every last word on this site and intellectually learned the principles to an incredible extent yet seem to have missed the point entirely by taking away the message that the point is to learn to “outgame” emotional vampires or learn to use their tricks against them to establish ego-driven superiority.

This is exactly what I warned about when discussing narcissistic contagion. This misinterpretation and misapplication I find is especially prevalent among readers from the so-called “manosphere” and “red pill” blogs, movements I’ve never explicitly claimed membership to and even occasionally stated I don’t consider myself a part of.

It’s surprising (although it really shouldn’t be) to see multiple article writers use my ideas as fuel to build their own mustache-twirling false, idealized selves, or as a call to action to “outnarcissize” other narcissists. If the only thing you take away from my writing is evidence and ammunition to point out how much other people and groups suck, then the tragedy is that no matter how much you’ve memorized the intellectual concepts, you’ve missed the bigger point.

2 Responses to “Real Love vs. Fake Love”

  1. To T (and any other commenters)

    I liked this video a lot, and overall agree with the point being made here. I do have one question about a point the speaker makes about unrealistically expecting the person to soothe you and meet all your emotional needs(I admit I fall short in this area sometimes).

    However, in your opinion, where is the line between those unhealthy behaviors and the type of emotional support that nurtures and deepens a relationship? For example, I sometimes had/have a tendency to fish for compliments with boyfriends and would feel hurt when they didn’t take the bait. I realize that’s a little needy, and I think I am growing out of it…but on some level I will always need to be reassured that I am appreciated by my partner.

    I would also want to do things like cheer up the man I am with and be a source of emotional support to him, because I want him to feel loved.

    To some extent aren’t those behaviors fundamental to a loving relationship? In you mind, how should a person 1) verbalize those needs without being overbearing?; 2) How does a person recognize when they are actually manipulating a person with affection rather than just giving it freely?

  2. Hi PK, I want to weigh in on what you said in your comment, in light of the post topic as well as my own experience. (Take with a big grain of salt along with anything that someone on the internet – who doesn’t know you,your history, or your mind – says in the form of advice).

    I think the fact that you recognize a behavior that’s “a little needy” says something good about you. It’s understandable to want compliments from your boyfriends, but since you said you feel hurt when they don’t take the bait, that sort of shows that a little bit of your self-esteem is dependent on external validation. And if the guy isn’t just naturally complimenting you for the things you wish, then that could mean you’re choosing guys who aren’t all that enthusiastic about you in the first place. Or, maybe you need to toot your own horn more. Somehow, just in my experience, guys are more likely to compliment you and show you they love you if you show them and the world that you already love yourself. People rarely want to be entirely responsible for your self esteem.

    1) Verbalizing a need for external validation will always seem overbearing if it is constant. But honestly, some guys just aren’t the verbally doting type. You might have a cool guy that’s into you, who doesn’t make a huge point to say all the words you want to hear. He might act out a compliment in other ways though. Be on the look out cause some people have different ways of showing they appreciate you. If you get none of these signals EVER from him, then maybe it’s not real love.
    2)What are you trying to get in exchange for affection? If you feel the need to make another person believe that they love you, you will probably feel like you are manipulating them. If you keep giving them something that they want (i.e. sex, your time, listening ear, etc.), think about what they are giving you back, and whether you feel it’s a fair exchange. This discrepancy seems to cause problems in relationships. Consider that your love and affection aren’t the things he wants on the most. Maybe he would choose to be with a self-confident partner with a zest for life over someone who is affectionate toward him/needs his approval.

    😉

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