Reader Letters #1, Resources

If you read the Reader Letters #1 series: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, and the epilogue and still want to do further research on your own, I’ve decided to put some relevant links to good related resources. I know it’s a lot, but that’s the point. There are no easy fixes. It’s taken a lot of years of believing things unquestioningly that got your current state, and it’s going to take years of unlearning bad scripts and learning and reality testing new beliefs to get you out of it:

Best Starting Point:

This is an Audible audio book called True Self/False Self. I think it is by far one of the most powerful speeches I have ever encountered and puts much of this in perspective. Even if you plan to try everything on this list, I’d highly recommend you start with that speech.

Assorted Media:

If you’re a man and the Reader Letters series really spoke to you, I suggest the Shrink4men weekly podcasts, Mack Lessons weekly podcast and Tom Leykis‘s daily radio show, especially his Thursday Leykis 101 series. The first two podcasts can be subscribed to for free on Itunes.


Videos on the Web:

John Bradshaw: Healing the Shame That Binds You, Pt. 1 (there are 9 more parts you can find on Youtube

John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Part 1 (you can find the remaining parts on Youtube). There is a lot of talk about addiction, and you may be tempted to think these insights are irrelevant to you. But keep in mind, narcissism and other Cluster B personality disorders are addiction conditions: addiction to superficial ego boosts via external validation. And codependents are also addicts: they’re addicted to narcissists and other emotional vampires. So if you listen to this clip with that insight in mind, you’ll get much more out of it:

Brene Brown discussing shame, vulnerability, and empathy. Three great videos.

Articles on the Web:

Attachment Theory by Mark Manson

Repetitive Relationship Patterns by Stephen A. Diamond

What Self-Esteem Is and Is Not by Nathaniel Branden

Answering Misconceptions About Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

Self Esteem: Real and Phony by Elizabeth Gudrais

“My Fiancee is Pushing Me Away and I’ve Lost Hope” by The Last Psychiatrist

Comparison: Typical Behavioral Traits of True and False Selves by Peter Gerlach

A Comparison Between the True Self and False Self

True Self/False Self: What and Why? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

The Five Stages of Grief by David Kessler

The Procrastinating Caveman: What Human Evolution Teaches Us About Why We Put Off Work and How to Stop by Cal Newport

A Note on Vulnerability and The Pain Period by Mark Manson

The Lesson of the Butterfly by Paolo Coelho

15 Common Defense Mechanisms by John M. Grohol

Compensation on Wikipedia

Defense Mechanisms discussion

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief by Julie Axelrod

Kubler-Ross Model on Wikipedia

Defense Mechanism Slideshow by Kendra Cherry

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Marisa Mauro

Emotional Incest by Robert Burney

Parentification on Wikipedia

Attachment theory on Wikipedia

More on Attachment Theory: Attachment Styles

Borderline Waifs: Rescuing the Woman Who Doesn’t Want to Be Saved by Shari Schreiber

Who’s Doing Your Dirty Work: Deconstructing Passive Aggression by Shari Schreiber

Do You Love to Be Needed, or Need to Be Loved by Shari Schreiber

Borderline Males I’ve Known, And Almost Loved by Shari Schreiber

At Any Cost: Saving Your Life After Loving a Borderline by Shari Schreiber

Ministrategies by Shari Schreiber

Shell-shocked by Shari Schreiber

The Gift of the Borderline by Shari Schreiber

Fortifying Your Fortress: Healthy Boundaries on Shrink4men

Is Your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim on Shrink4men

What is Codependence? on Psych Central

Narcissistic Family Portrait on Psychology Today

Manhood 101 Free Ebook

Self-Handicapping by me


Recommended Books (Full Disclosure, any books you buy by clicking one of these links, I get a commission):

Anatomy of Female Power by Chinweizu (free pdf copy)

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love
by Amir Levine

Games People Play
by Eric Berne.

I’m OK–You’re OK
by Thomas A. Harris

Getting Things Done
by David Allen

Willpower’s Not Enough
by Arnold Washton

Healing the Shame that Binds You
by John Bradshaw

Beat Low Self-Esteem With CBT
by Teach Yourself Series

What the Buddha Taught
by Walpola Rahula

A New Earth and The Power of Now
by Eckhart Tolle

The Drama of the Gifted Child
by Alice Miller

Narcissism: Denial of the True Self
by Alexander Lowen

Narcissistic Lovers
by Cynthia Zayn

Emotional Vampires
by Albert Bernstein

Don’t Let Them Psych You Out!
by George D. Zgourides, MD

Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist
by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol

Stop Walking on Eggshells
by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

Reinventing Your Life
by Jeffrey E. Young, Ph.D

The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists
by Rokelle Lerner

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
by George K. Simon

Winning by Intimidation
by Robert Ringer

Why We Hate Us: American Discontent in the New Millennium
by Dick Meyer

The War of Art
by Steven Pressfield

People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck

Who’s Pulling Your Strings?
by Harriet B. Braiker

15 Responses to “Reader Letters #1, Resources”

  1. Excellent.

  2. you have really found the goldmine. I cant thank u enough.

    nwo the question is, how am I gonna have time to read all this. procrastination compensation, here we come 😉

  3. Ricky, please take the Manhood101 eBook link off the list. The authors make some good pointers about effects of the modern Feminist movement, but the topic is presented in such a dangerously bitter manner, we need to select the helpful parts. When I read that the authors quoted Ann Coulter and when I eventually reached the “handle bitch behaviour” section, the content really made me cringe… big time. Ironically it seems that the authors have fallen victim to the very dangers against which they warn us. Honestly I think they speak against the very purpose of your blog. They seem to be the “cockroaches” who you mentioned in your “support the Rawness” page.

    So yeah, please scratch that off the list if you agree.

  4. Found this. Great stuff there.

  5. Brother. Shari Schreiber´s material is INCREDIBLE.

  6. Oh yes it is. I would recommend to anyone to her whole site from top to bottom. You start realizing how much of the “manosphere” posturing is just a sham that perpetuates the problem.

  7. Yes.

  8. Im finding that a lot of stuff I thought as “feminine” is just craziness and underdeveloment. And a lot of other stuff I thought as “masculine” are just coping mechanism to match that craziness.

    But its a hella lot of people. The concentration of crazy is probably higher in cities, and there seem to be more female borderlines than males (makes sense). Running some numbers, there might be about 2 million (or more) clinically borderline people in my city, not counting codependents and mildly less insane cases. Enough people to make me think this kind of shit is “normal” when it isnt.

  9. *underdevelopment

  10. Actually, to be more fair, the “male” stuff is not just coping mechanisms to accommodate to the craziness, it’s craziness on its own. Narcissists spawn Borderlines and together they spawn Codependents that raise to be Narcissists and back and forth. The Borderlines remain pretty much unchanged, with Narcissists-Codependents oscillating between total-(fake)self-reliance and the total-dependence.

    I just went through the one. I think you pasted some fragments from it on your letters. Mind blowing / eye opening, and I would be full on shame if I wasnt accepting all these (dark/repressed) emotions.

    I have to thank you again bro. So thanks. No freaking clue where to go now, but towards “growth” wherever that is.

    For now a big chunk of the alpha-> females -> betas translates to narcissists -> borderlines -> codependents. And a sea of zombies around them. Of course the male / female hierarchies and gender and stuff still apply, but much, much of what we see out there is just underdevelopment and craziness.

    Im laughing here, while wondering where are the healthy people hiding.

  11. Yahomi,

    99.999999% of human history was comprised of:

    be born in some village

    work 80 hours a week meeting the same two digit number of people your whole life

    do what the lord tells you, or else

    die, usually young

    It’s no surprise then that when you pluck people down in the modern world their brains aren’t built for it and most are sick in one way or another. The word normal isn’t very good. It implies what the general population is doing on average is “healthy”. However, that may not be true. It may very well be that the normal culture in your city isn’t healthy.

  12. pain, I havent seen “healthy” anywhere.

  13. seeing yuppie schmuks dressed in suits at a wedding reception and you can tell they are douche…. that’s what i see.

  14. This is a phenomenal book that exposes the dynamics of children whose needs are not met. In other words, it’s a very well researched and well written treatise on families where the focus is on meeting the needs of the parents, and not the children.

    This is what leads tons of people, including myself, to become people pleasers, avoid their feelings, have difficulties setting boundaries, and have perpetual feelings of worthlessness and anxiety.

    I cannot recommend this book enough:

  15. Diego, I have that book but haven’t read it yet. Based on your review I’m going to move it up my reading list.