Radical Honesty
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I rarely write about a book before reading it, but the premise of this one seemed so interesting I couldn’t resist. I bought the book Radical Honesty, The New Revised Edition: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth
In this Esquire article, a magazine writer meets Blanton and plans to practice radical honesty himself. Here’s how he describes the movement:
The movement was founded by a sixty-six-year-old Virginia-based psychotherapist named Brad Blanton. He says everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. Tell the truth, all the time. This would be radical enough — a world without fibs — but Blanton goes further. He says we should toss out the filters between our brains and our mouths. If you think it, say it. Confess to your boss your secret plans to start your own company. If you’re having fantasies about your wife’s sister, Blanton says to tell your wife and tell her sister. It’s the only path to authentic relationships. It’s the only way to smash through modernity’s soul-deadening alienation. Oversharing? No such thing.
When the journalist meets Blanton, he encounters a man who totally practices what he preaches:
My interview with Blanton is unlike any other I’ve had in fifteen years as a journalist. Usually, there’s a fair amount of ass kissing and diplomacy. You approach the controversial stuff on tippy toes (the way Barbara Walters once asked Richard Gere about that terrible, terrible rumor). With Blanton, I can say anything that pops into my mind. In fact, it would be rude not to say it. I’d be insulting his life’s work. It’s my first taste of Radical Honesty, and it’s liberating, exhilarating.
When Blanton rambles on about President Bush, I say, “You know, I stopped listening about a minute ago.”
“Thanks for telling me,” he says.
I tell him, “You look older than you do in the author photo for your book,” and when he veers too far into therapyspeak, I say, “That just sounds like gobbledygook.”
“Thanks,” he replies.” Or, “That’s fine.”…
“I’m glad you picked your nose just now,” I say. “Because it was funny and disgusting, and it’ll make a good detail for the article.”
“That’s fine. I’ll pick my ass in a minute.” Then he unleashes his deep Texan laugh: heh, heh, heh. (He also burps and farts throughout our conversation; he believes the one-cheek sneak is “a little deceitful.”)
No topic is off-limits. “I’ve slept with more than five hundred women and about a half dozen men,” he tells me. “I’ve had a whole bunch of threesomes” — one of which involved a hermaphrodite prostitute equipped with dual organs.
What about animals?
Blanton thinks for a minute. “I let my dog lick my dick once.”
As I mentioned before, I haven’t read the book yet, but the premise really does interest me. I know that I’m just not the personality type that could totally follow the practices of the movement 100%, but I’d love to incorporate radical honesty into my life as much as I could.
What do you think life would be like if we embraced Radical Honesty all of the time? Hard to say, but here’s an example of what first dates might turn into:
Improvement over the current model or no?
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LOL. that clip is hilarious.
as for the radical honesty…that takes serious balls. I remember reading that esquire article a coupla months ago. Good article. But like its author it’s something i couldn’t commit to totally.
Smash’s last blog post..Reset
you know, this isn’t that different from the honesty that strict conservative parents expect of their children.
but that made me think: at what age would we first deem a child ready to receive radical honesty? i mean, can you imagine the following conversation?
seven-year-old: mommy, how did you and daddy meet?
mommy: well, i met your daddy at the office, and, at the christmas party 7 years and 9 months ago, we decided that we really liked each other. so we went into the men’s restroom and had a big talk, and decided to have you. my husband wasn’t too happy about it, but i never really loved him.
seven-year-old: ::bemused:: but you love daddy, right?
mommy: come to think about it, i don’t really love your daddy either, but your sweet grandma refused to even see you until i married him.
yeah, that wouldn’t go so well.
so when would be the initiation? ten? puberty? sixteen? or perhaps the good old jesuit age of reason, which for the average modern american is about forty-five or so?
Ok now THAT guy needs to write a pick up book about hooking up. There’s got to be some funny stories in it somewhere
Smash - I’d love to incorporate it into my life to a degree, but I agree, I don’t see myself pulling it off fully either.
Johnny Five - Elaborate about strict conservative parents expecting blunt honesty of their children. I was under the impression that being religious and polite churchgoing people they’d put an extra emphasis on manners and pleasantries and not insulting people with rude behavior.
Also, just to play devil’s advocate, who’s to say that initiating a child into radical honesty is necessarily a bad thing? It seems bad to us because we were conditioned while growing up to be the opposite, but in actuality kids ALREADY are born practicing and receiving radical honesty. That’s why poeople say kids are so cruel. Kids tell each other they’re fat, stupid, poor, smelly, etc. all the time. They approach strangers fearlessly, speak bluntly and have thick skins. They cry easily, sure, but they forget easily too and are laughing again in no time.
Telling a child the blunt truth about marriage seems harsh to us because we were raised with a fairytale image of marriage. But if the kid has no fairytale preconceptions of marriage and the parents treat him well and with love, who’s to say he’d necessarily be damaged? And maybe the reason marriages fail so much more these days is this romantic fairytale ideal that we’ve been sold as being the norm since childhood that (1) leaves us disappointed with the real thing and (2) makes us keep believing that no matter what we have, a better “soulmate” is waiting out there for us. Maybe if kids were sold a realistic, pragmatic version of adult commitment the institution of marriage would be in better shape right now.
Well, that was refreshing. But takes the magic out of it somewhat. And that’s what people want - a little magic, a little sugar to make the truth go down.
I read that artice, T, and it did make me think about how I am with people. As diplomatic and all-round nice I am (with a certificate to prove it - not kidding!) there is a time and place for brutal honesty.
If my boyfriend ask if something makes him look fat, I may tell him yes, but not in those words. I think something like ‘that doesn’t really do you justice’ works just fine. Why hurt someone’s feelings for the sake of it?
On the other hand, if said boyfriend is being a tool, I’ll tell him in exactly those terms. I find radical honesty a bit much, but being mindful of honesty - saying what you mean, meaning what you say - without coming off as some sort of malicious arsehole, makes life easier.
The thing is, most people confuse ’speaking one’s mind’ with ’saying everything that’s on it’, and then ponce about like they deserve a medal for their ‘honesty’.
china blue’s last blog post..Brand New You
my class is struggling with being brutally honest with each other which is key to us learning anything. so i sent up a link for everyone to read up. hope they enjoy it as much as i do.
Ava V’s last blog post..Marriage…It’s All About The Timing
warning: comment written while multitasking, so coherence may take a hit or two.
Elaborate about strict conservative parents expecting blunt honesty of their children.
ime, the more conservative and strict the parents, the greater their expectations of total honesty from their children. i’m not even sure whether ‘blunt’ is an applicable word most of the time, but the conservative parents i know are much more demanding of unadulterated truth than are the indulgent ones.
an extra emphasis on manners and pleasantries
ah yes, we’re reading the same page from different books; i was thinking about total honesty within the family sphere, and total accountability for actions. in particular, the conservative parents i know are the only ones likely to blame their children for anything (whether rightly or not, but usually rightly), as opposed to chalking things up to this or that psychological condition; and honesty comes naturally with accountability.
you are right about manners and pleasantries, though.
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That’s why poeople say kids are so cruel. Kids tell each other they’re fat, stupid, poor, smelly, etc. all the time.
excellent point - and a nice summary of exactly why the curtailment of radical honesty is almost certainly necessary to the smooth functioning of anything that can remotely be called ’society’. can you imagine the misery of the vast majority of our population, not to mention the complete unworkability of just about every currently extant form of casual social interaction, if life were to devolve into one long, protracted third-grade recess?
i can’t imagine that very many healthy social relationships would survive this sort of thing, but i do admit the possibility that i’m drastically underestimating the plasticity of the human brain.
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And maybe the reason marriages fail so much more these days is this romantic fairytale ideal that we’ve been sold as being the norm since childhood that (1) leaves us disappointed with the real thing and (2) makes us keep believing that no matter what we have, a better “soulmate” is waiting out there for us. Maybe if kids were sold a realistic, pragmatic version of adult commitment the institution of marriage would be in better shape right now.
t., you should know better than that. marriages fail today largely because they can fail: the family is no longer an essential economic unit. you don’t really think that moderns are any more disappointed with marriage than were westerners of a century or two ago, do you? things haven’t changed that much.
it also depends on what you mean by a ‘realistic, pragmatic version of adult commitment’; you’ve got to realize that’s something that is constantly evolving. for 99% of today’s males, a realistic, pragmatic version of commitment would largely take the form of ‘you’re expected to sacrifice much more than she, she’ll control your home and your life, and, if you’re the provider, she can leave whenever she wants and force you to keep providing - so choose well, my son, heh heh’, and would of course serve to dissuade just about all of them from marrying at all.
let’s face it: marriage has always been based on ’shoulds’; until very recently, average people have always been within shouting distance of privation, making those ’shoulds’ necessary. because of the new facts of life, though, the sad fact is that your ‘realistic and pragmatic version’ is, basically, the fact that whoever is less invested in the relationship holds all the power.
it’s entirely because of this new honesty about marriage that men, myself included, are refusing to marry in droves. additional honesty won’t reverse the trend.
if this is getting too far off topic but you’re interested in continuing, just email.
CB - that was a problem I had with the article myself. It seemed like the magazine writer while being radically honest also tended to bring up totally unrelated topics to be honest about during conversations. I don’t know if Radical Honesty involved dragging up old grudges to be honest about out of the blue mid-conversation. It seemed like he was going for extra controversy at times.
Ava - thanks for putting your class on to The Rawness.
Johnny Five - man, what a comment! I love it though, not just well thought out but makes my comments section look busier than it is!
VK - I think it’d be funny at times for this guy to do a pickup book, but also pretty gross. I suspect hermaphrodites and dogs are just the tip of the iceberg.
T said: “Also, just to play devil’s advocate, who’s to say that initiating a child into radical honesty is necessarily a bad thing? It seems bad to us because we were conditioned while growing up to be the opposite, but in actuality kids ALREADY are born practicing and receiving radical honesty. That’s why poeople say kids are so cruel. Kids tell each other they’re fat, stupid, poor, smelly, etc. all the time. They approach strangers fearlessly, speak bluntly and have thick skins. They cry easily, sure, but they forget easily too and are laughing again in no time.”
I disagree. Kids don’t taunt out of honesty. They do it out of aggression and they usually target the kids, like the shy ones, who do not have the personality or character traits to defend themselves.
You are mistaking bullying for honesty and frankly, Blanton comes off as a gigantic bully. Honesty does not require one to verbalize every thought that pops into your conscious mind. It simply requires one to be truthful when one does speak and act. Blanton’s experiment in radical honesty seems to be his technique for justifying aggression towards other people.
I find radical honesty a bit much, but being mindful of honesty - saying what you mean, meaning what you say - without coming off as some sort of malicious arsehole, makes life easier.
I agree with this. There is a way of being honest that attempts to minimize pain brought to another person, but still states what is going on sufficiently. I’ve been trying out the honesty approach with my husband for a few months. For example, I tell him when I fantasize about other men. I don’t tell him things like this to hurt him, just to let him know what I do. He is ok with even possible physical transgressions if I was honest about it and didn’t do it behind his back. Of course, he is also honest about his feelings toward this, which means that if he is not ok with it, I won’t do it.
let’s face it: marriage has always been based on ’shoulds’; until very recently, average people have always been within shouting distance of privation, making those ’shoulds’ necessary. because of the new facts of life, though, the sad fact is that your ‘realistic and pragmatic version’ is, basically, the fact that whoever is less invested in the relationship holds all the power.
There are numerous “shoulds” in life, and we “should” attempt to do as many of those as possible. We should eat right, exercise, not smoke, not drink and drive, not murder, etc. Marriage is not as outdated of a should as you think. Research shows that married people, who have weathered the storm for many years, are indeed happier in later life than unmarried people. It is still very realistic and pragmatic in the modern era for some men and women to marry, have children and build a stable family unit. However, both people must work toward this vision, and both must have fundamental respect for the another.
The problem with “brutal honesty” is that more often than not, it’s used by bullies to justify their cruel behavior. They push people around and intimidate people, then claim a halo for their “honest” words, because “honesty is the best policy”. We all know someone around the workplace that people avoid because they’re afraid of them. When asked about it, that person will 100% say, “Well, I tell it like it is, and a lot of people can’t handle that.” They pretend they’re doing the world a favor by pointing out the shortcomings of others without taking feelings into consideration. Of course this behavior makes their life easier, for them. People placate them at all turns because no one wants to be made a fool or be made to feel self conscious. Other people compliment their ability to be a “straight shooter” because they don’t want to be on the receiving end of a flame. “Keepin it real” is boorish behavior, and I’ve never met a “brutally honest” person who was positive, generally happy, or someone people wanted to be around.
The alternative, what they call “ass kissing”, is what most people refer to as “tact”. I learned a long time ago that anything can be said with the right amount of tact, and that tactful delivery on touchy subjects is a skill acquired through experience. It’s harder than being brutally honest, but it’s a better investment. You can get a dog to “sit” by giving it a treat or hitting it with a stick. Which is better?
It is also important to distinguish between being “brutally honest” and being “frank”. People can deal with others being frank, as it is constructive. Acquiescence is achieved not by ridicule or making other uncomfortable, but by attempting to use “honesty” in a constructive manner. Again, being frank requires tact. Using tact takes time. People who are “brutally honest” don’t have time for that, because it’s easier to put pretty packaging on what can only be described as socially aberrant, selfish behavior. Not having the personality to pull off “brutal honesty” isn’t a bad thing at all.
Here’s a groovy quote:
“Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naïve, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as “empty,” “meaningless,” or “dishonest,” and scorn to use them. No matter how “pure” their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best.”
-RAH
Paully, Robert Heinlein rocks in so many ways. There are so many just drop-dead awesome passages from him.
yeah, he really nails it! it seems cliche to quote him, but how can you not? he was right about so much shit that pertains even moreso now than it did when he wrote it. reading his books is like a treasure hunt for insights.