The alternative, what they call “ass kissing”, is what most people refer to as “tact”. I learned a long time ago that anything can be said with the right amount of tact, and that tactful delivery on touchy subjects is a skill acquired through experience. It’s harder than being brutally honest, but it’s a better investment. You can get a dog to “sit” by giving it a treat or hitting it with a stick. Which is better?

It is also important to distinguish between being “brutally honest” and being “frank”. People can deal with others being frank, as it is constructive. Acquiescence is achieved not by ridicule or making other uncomfortable, but by attempting to use “honesty” in a constructive manner. Again, being frank requires tact. Using tact takes time. People who are “brutally honest” don’t have time for that, because it’s easier to put pretty packaging on what can only be described as socially aberrant, selfish behavior. Not having the personality to pull off “brutal honesty” isn’t a bad thing at all.

Here’s a groovy quote:
“Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naïve, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as “empty,” “meaningless,” or “dishonest,” and scorn to use them. No matter how “pure” their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best.”
-RAH

I agree with this. There is a way of being honest that attempts to minimize pain brought to another person, but still states what is going on sufficiently. I’ve been trying out the honesty approach with my husband for a few months. For example, I tell him when I fantasize about other men. I don’t tell him things like this to hurt him, just to let him know what I do. He is ok with even possible physical transgressions if I was honest about it and didn’t do it behind his back. Of course, he is also honest about his feelings toward this, which means that if he is not ok with it, I won’t do it.

let’s face it: marriage has always been based on ’shoulds’; until very recently, average people have always been within shouting distance of privation, making those ’shoulds’ necessary. because of the new facts of life, though, the sad fact is that your ‘realistic and pragmatic version’ is, basically, the fact that whoever is less invested in the relationship holds all the power.

There are numerous “shoulds” in life, and we “should” attempt to do as many of those as possible. We should eat right, exercise, not smoke, not drink and drive, not murder, etc. Marriage is not as outdated of a should as you think. Research shows that married people, who have weathered the storm for many years, are indeed happier in later life than unmarried people. It is still very realistic and pragmatic in the modern era for some men and women to marry, have children and build a stable family unit. However, both people must work toward this vision, and both must have fundamental respect for the another.

I disagree. Kids don’t taunt out of honesty. They do it out of aggression and they usually target the kids, like the shy ones, who do not have the personality or character traits to defend themselves.

You are mistaking bullying for honesty and frankly, Blanton comes off as a gigantic bully. Honesty does not require one to verbalize every thought that pops into your conscious mind. It simply requires one to be truthful when one does speak and act. Blanton’s experiment in radical honesty seems to be his technique for justifying aggression towards other people.

Ava - thanks for putting your class on to The Rawness.

Johnny Five - man, what a comment! I love it though, not just well thought out but makes my comments section look busier than it is!

Elaborate about strict conservative parents expecting blunt honesty of their children.

ime, the more conservative and strict the parents, the greater their expectations of total honesty from their children. i’m not even sure whether ‘blunt’ is an applicable word most of the time, but the conservative parents i know are much more demanding of unadulterated truth than are the indulgent ones.

an extra emphasis on manners and pleasantries

ah yes, we’re reading the same page from different books; i was thinking about total honesty within the family sphere, and total accountability for actions. in particular, the conservative parents i know are the only ones likely to blame their children for anything (whether rightly or not, but usually rightly), as opposed to chalking things up to this or that psychological condition; and honesty comes naturally with accountability.

you are right about manners and pleasantries, though.

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That’s why poeople say kids are so cruel. Kids tell each other they’re fat, stupid, poor, smelly, etc. all the time.

excellent point - and a nice summary of exactly why the curtailment of radical honesty is almost certainly necessary to the smooth functioning of anything that can remotely be called ’society’. can you imagine the misery of the vast majority of our population, not to mention the complete unworkability of just about every currently extant form of casual social interaction, if life were to devolve into one long, protracted third-grade recess?

i can’t imagine that very many healthy social relationships would survive this sort of thing, but i do admit the possibility that i’m drastically underestimating the plasticity of the human brain.

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And maybe the reason marriages fail so much more these days is this romantic fairytale ideal that we’ve been sold as being the norm since childhood that (1) leaves us disappointed with the real thing and (2) makes us keep believing that no matter what we have, a better “soulmate” is waiting out there for us. Maybe if kids were sold a realistic, pragmatic version of adult commitment the institution of marriage would be in better shape right now.

t., you should know better than that. marriages fail today largely because they can fail: the family is no longer an essential economic unit. you don’t really think that moderns are any more disappointed with marriage than were westerners of a century or two ago, do you? things haven’t changed that much.

it also depends on what you mean by a ‘realistic, pragmatic version of adult commitment’; you’ve got to realize that’s something that is constantly evolving. for 99% of today’s males, a realistic, pragmatic version of commitment would largely take the form of ‘you’re expected to sacrifice much more than she, she’ll control your home and your life, and, if you’re the provider, she can leave whenever she wants and force you to keep providing - so choose well, my son, heh heh’, and would of course serve to dissuade just about all of them from marrying at all.

let’s face it: marriage has always been based on ’shoulds’; until very recently, average people have always been within shouting distance of privation, making those ’shoulds’ necessary. because of the new facts of life, though, the sad fact is that your ‘realistic and pragmatic version’ is, basically, the fact that whoever is less invested in the relationship holds all the power.

it’s entirely because of this new honesty about marriage that men, myself included, are refusing to marry in droves. additional honesty won’t reverse the trend.

if this is getting too far off topic but you’re interested in continuing, just email.

Ava V’s last blog post..Marriage…It’s All About The Timing

I read that artice, T, and it did make me think about how I am with people. As diplomatic and all-round nice I am (with a certificate to prove it - not kidding!) there is a time and place for brutal honesty.

If my boyfriend ask if something makes him look fat, I may tell him yes, but not in those words. I think something like ‘that doesn’t really do you justice’ works just fine. Why hurt someone’s feelings for the sake of it?

On the other hand, if said boyfriend is being a tool, I’ll tell him in exactly those terms. I find radical honesty a bit much, but being mindful of honesty - saying what you mean, meaning what you say - without coming off as some sort of malicious arsehole, makes life easier.

The thing is, most people confuse ’speaking one’s mind’ with ’saying everything that’s on it’, and then ponce about like they deserve a medal for their ‘honesty’.

china blue’s last blog post..Brand New You