The Rawness

When starting conversations with strangers, don’t just launch into your train of thought immediately. People nowadays, especially in more populated areas, have become experts at tuning out their surroundings and turning them into background white noise. It’s very normal to walk around feeling alone in a crowd, and listening to Ipods, texting and reading books on commutes add to that feeling.

For these reasons, when you start a conversation with someone you don’t know in public, they’re oftentimes not prepared for it. It usually takes a couple of seconds for it to register that you are speaking to them and by that point they’ve usually missed the first few words of your sentence, leading to a blank stare or a request for you to repeat yourself, which are momentum killers in social scenarios.

Instead, use throat clearers. Throat clearers are normally considered bad things, especially in writing, as described by legal writing expert Wayne Schiess:

When you lead in to an idea with a little phrase to get you started or to provide emphasis, you are using a “throat-clearer.” It’s as if you are saying, “I have something to say now. Listen up.”

The universal advice of writing experts is to drop these phrases and write the sentence in a way that emphasizes the idea without the useless throat-clearer. For example–

Weak: It should be noted that the amount in controversy exceeds $75,000.

By dropping the throat-clearer (“it should be noted that”), you may be sacrificing a slight emphasis. You can usually think of a better way to achieve that emphasis.

Better: In fact, the amount in controversy exceeds $75,000.

Weak: It is important to remember that the client must make the final decision.

Here again, we might lose a small sense of emphasis when we remove the throat-clearing phrase “it is important to note that.” But try this:

Better: The client–not the lawyer–must make the final decision.

However throat clearers aren’t universally bad.  Although considered inefficient in writing, they can be very useful in social speaking situations.

When meeting new people preface your introductions with throat clearers and a slight pause like:

• “You know what?”  Pause, then state observation.
• “So…”  Pause, then ask icebreaker question.
• “Wow…that’s really unbelievable.” Pause, then give compliment.
• “Yo!” or “Hey!” Pause, then make icebreaker joke.
• Literally clear your throat or let out a playful whistle.

The possibilities are endless.  Use whatever language feels natural to you.  In the few seconds it takes their brains to register that you are speaking to them and focus on what you’re saying, you’ve managed to say nothing of importance yet.  By the time you do hit the meat of your introduction they’re mentally prepared to receive it.

But keep in mind no matter what throat clearer you use, it better portray comfort in your own skin and confidence.  This means, no

• “Excuse me…”
• “Sorry to bother you, but…”
• “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”
• “I hope you don’t mind, but…”

These are apologetic throat closers, and for some reason they are the default throat closers men instinctively use when breaking the ice (I notice women use them less).  This is a violation of one of my Renaissance  Man tips about overapologizing.  “Excuse me?”  What are you asking to be excused for?  Is your presence and conversation something that is such an affront that you need to be forgiven for inflicting it on others?  “Sorry to bother you?”  Is that what you see yourself as?  A bother?  “I don’t mean to interrupt?”  But you did interrupt, so obviously you did mean to.  So why be wishy washy and disingenuous about it?

This may sound like nitpicking but such language choices subtly register on an unconscious level with people, especially among the more socially savvy and intuitive.

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