You should be able to have female friends in your life who are attractive but that you don’t want to sleep with. Of course, I mean you’re platonic by choice. If you’re only friends because she put you in the friend zone, and you constantly daydream of catching her in a charitable pity-fucking mood or a drunken stupor, that’s pathetic and doesn’t count.
Not every attractive woman is worth pursuing sexually just because they’re attractive. There may be some valid reasons why she’d make a great friend but an awful lover. In cases like that, rather than trying to be sexual with her just because you feel socially obligated to as a man, pursue a friendship. Not only is it a great sign of maturity as a man to reach this level, you have a good referral source for meeting more compatible women down the line.
No matter how sorry you are for something you’ve done to a woman, never cower in front of her. Not only do women not have any respect for women who cower in front of them, they’re often quite cruel to those who do.
On an unconscious level, and sometimes even a conscious one, the mindset is that if she, a little old girl, can break you down like this, how can she count on you to protect her from the harsher dangers of the outside world? At some level they’re always screening for protectors and providers, no matter how progressive or new age they seem on the outside.
This is an ongoing test that continues in a relationship from courtship to the grave.
There’s a difference between sexual and horny. Learn it.
There’s the guy who ends up in the friend zone because he holds back how he really feels from a woman and doesn’t want to be sexual for fear of scaring her away. Then at peak frustration or that point when he’s forced to act because she’s dating someone new, he blurts out all his feelings at once. But alas, it’s too late, being nonsexual has gotten him trapped in the friend zone.
Then there’s the guy who’s just horny, horny, horny from the get-go. It’s in his leer, his double-take, his nonstop innuendo, his harassment, the way he stares at a girl’s boobs throughout a whole conversation. The nonsexual guy at least gets his foot in the door; the horny guy gets it slammed in his face from the start. He comes off typical, disappointing, unchallenging and so easy to manipulate that he’s hard to respect.
As a man you should always broadcast that you’re a sexual being. But you should never consistently come off as horny.
This is one of the worst habits guys have. They go to a bar or club and stand side-by-side, elbow-to-elbow, and scan the room without talking to each other while holding drinks.
This conveys so many bad things. First, if you are friends with each other and even you don’t seem to find each other interesting enough to talk to, why should a stranger? Both of you automatically seem less intertesting. Second, it looks like you value meeting girls than each other. Loyalty to friends is an important aspect of female friendships, so they respect it when they see it in male friendships as well. Third, it looks like you depend on them to determine whether or not you had a good time or not while out. This is also an unattractive trait and looks like desperation. It gives the impression that the only reason you guys went out is in hopes of hooking up. Of course that’s true for 90% of the single guys who go out, but you don’t want your body language to scream such a thing either.
Talking to your friends with sincere and animated interest fixes many of these bad impressions. It shows you might be interesting people when you seem to really be caught up in talking to each other. You convey that you put your friends first. And it makes it look like you don’t base your whole self-worth on women and their attentions and don’t judge the quality of your night solely on whether or not you hooked up.
Better yet, talking to your friends is also a great way to scan the room without seeming like you’re scanning the room. You just face each other, talk, and use your peripheral vision and the view over your friend’s shoulder to gauge the quality of the room. Women are masters of this. They can seem totally engaged in conversation with friends while totally cataloguing and assessing the quality of a crowded room. This is the kind of social multitasking you need to master.
Don’t use self-deprecating humor except in rare occasions.
The only time self-deprecating humor is acceptable is either when it’s blatantly not true or when it’s obvious you’re a confident person and don’t really buy into what your saying on any level.
An example is a guy I knew who was musclebound and would occasionally make 98-lb weakling jokes. They would make people laugh, but they didn’t hurt him at all because you could just look at him and tell he didn’t really believe them. But another positive was that it was a subtle way to call attention to his physique without overtly bragging about it, so long as he didn’t do it very often.
One time many years ago my friend Beethoven and I were at a bar. Beethoven approached a group of two girls on his own. His line was “So what are you guys gossiping about?” Worked like a charm.
After a few minutes of banter, one of the girls then asked Beethoven what we were gossiping about. Beethoven responded “We were just saying there are way too many fat chicks up in here.” The girl’s mouth just dropped in disgust.
“That’s not right at all,” she said. She looked angry.
Unfazed, Beethoven just responded “What do you care? It’s not like you’re fat or anything.” And he just kept on going. They ended up having a great conversation and exchanging numbers.
A lot of guys would have tried to apologize in some form the minute they were called out. “Oh, what I meant was…” or “I was just kidding…” or “I’m sorry, what I meant was…” Kiss of death. It’s a test and apologizing would have been a failure of that test.
If you spill your drink on a person or act in a bad manner toward them, you should definitely apologize. If you are cheating on your lover, you should definitely apologize. Those are actions. But thoughts you can’t help, and those shouldn’t be apologized for (although sometimes they shouldn’t be shared either). So while the man who sleeps with other women behind his woman’s back should apologize because he committed a wrong action, the man who merely finds other women attractive shouldn’t (so long as he’s tasteful about it) because it’s merely a thought he’s never intended to act upon.
Women bond more intensely and passionately with a man who takes them on an emotional rollercoaster than a man who keeps them consistently happy. Keep in mind we’re not talking about what it takes to form love or affection or loyalty but specifically intense, near-irrational passion
One of the biggest mistakes men make with women is to think the best way to form a major bond with them is to make them consistently and unbearably happy. This works for the short run and it creates affection and a degree of appreciation, but eventually there will be boredom.
Because men are so much more visual and physical in their tastes, good looks and hot sex can often be enough to keep them excited and passionate about their woman. But for women, one of the major keys to intense passion is creating the emotional rollercoaster. Emotions are like a hard drug to a woman.
Women love experiencing a wide range of emotions and on a deep level, even if they’re bad emotions. Think of the movies women flock to. They love happy movies that provide escapism but they’ll also flock to movies designed to scare them and most telling, they’ll flock to sad movies to cry. If you tell a guy, “Hey, check out this movie. It will really make you feel like shit and bawl like a baby,” he’ll be like “Uhhh, I’ll pass.” For a woman, however, being made to feel shitty and cry is actually draws them to see a movie. They’ll even emphasize the depression and crying as one of the best parts of the movie, especially if the movie ends on an uplifting note, which enhances the psychic whiplash of the emotional rollercoaster even more.
This is why makeup sex is so powerful. As a guy, the first time you experience it it’s mind-boggling. That your woman can go in a split-second from being seething mad at you to giving you the most intense passionate sex of your life is due to this principle.
UPDATE: Commenter Damon below added a great point
The only point I would add to this is make sure YOU are the one taking HER on an emotional roller coaster, you have to keep your self-control at all times. If you let her take you on an emotional roller coaster aka dating someone who is a drama queen or even worse, bipolar or mentally ill, you will be miserable.
This is very true. In the post I wasn’t explicitly advocating all men run out and try to create emotional rollercoasters all willy-nilly. I just wanted to explain the concept so that men could recognize it when it happens.
However if you do try to create an emotional roller-coaster reader, you better damn well make sure you know the woman you are dealing with is not psychotic, and you also better make damn sure that you have a good chance of ending the rollercoaster on a positive emotional high endpoint rather than a negative one.
With women, there is almost no such thing as an accidental, meaningless touch.
Especially the more prolonged it is. If a touch is truly unintentional and meaningless from a woman, she’ll instantly and quietly recoil. Women are very conscious about who they allow themselves to touch, when they can touch them and for how long to let the touch last.
Because of how society judges and shames women for being sluts if they are too overt and forthcoming about their sexual desires, they learn to express interest much more covertly. A move that from a man would not be as big a deal, like a light touch on the arm, carries much more weight when a woman is bold enough to do it.
So if a woman has reached the point where she’s allowing herself to touch you repeatedly and for prolonged periods, she’s intentionally sending you what is in her mind an unambiguous message.
Attractive women get offered sex all the time in a hundred different ways, just for leaving the house and looking decent.
Since attractive women are offered dick so often, they have a surplus of choices, meaning they have to engage in random arbitrary downgrades a lot of the time to narrow the choices down. This is why you often hear women turn down guys for what seem like silly, petty reasons: “He was an inch too short,” “I didn’t like his shoes,” “He was wearing Eurotrash looking True Religion jeans from 2001,” or whatever. I don’t blame them. If I was bombarded with choices I’d need to find more and more novel ways to thin the herd of applicants too.
With most men however, attractive or not, being offered sexual interest is like Christmas in July. It’s such a rare and fortunate anomaly. For this reason, men often do the opposite of women and try to find random arbitrary reasons to upgrade. “I’ve seen worse.” “From this angle, which is the back of the head, she looks kind of looks like Scarlett Johannsen.” “She’ll do until something better comes along.” “She’s got great tits and a decent ass.” They’re afraid to reject sexual interest because it’s rare, they have no idea when it will come again in such an unambiguous fashion and they are afraid to waste it when it is there.
This is what I call the Interest Only Upgrade, or the I.O.U. I.O.U. chicks are the chicks you normally wouldn’t want anything to do with but talk yourself into sleeping with or dating mainly because they’re willing to sleep or date you. A lot of men think they’re getting over by adding I.O.U. chicks to their roster. After all, they’re easy to get with and there’s less risk of rejection. The men feel on the higher end of the power dynamic then usual, which is another pro.
But there are a lot of hidden cons in an I.O.U. chick. First, there’s a chance you end up finding enough nice things about the I.O.U. chick, especially in her personality, that make you want to keep her despite the fact you aren’t that attracted to or excited by her. You keep her around because you get to know her and develop feelings for her. Maybe she gives you a relationship ultimatum and because you’ve grown comfortable, don’t want to cut off the sex gravy train and have no other options on the horizon you begrudgingly cave in.
This is bad because it creates a situation where you’re settling and only partly satisfied with your mate. It’s not fair to yourself and it’s especially not fair to the I.O.U. chick, who deserves a chance to be with someone who fully wants and appreciates her rather than someone who mainly upgraded her to fuckable and datable just for the fact that she showed extra interest.
The second hidden con in an I.O.U. chick is that while you’re getting over in the short run, in the long run you are subconsciously sending yourself bad messages. You’re telling yourself “This is the best I can do. This is the best I deserve.” And because you on a certain level aren’t satisfied with her, the thought that she’s the best you can do always aggravates you on some level and causes you to resent her and mistreat her as a result. A lot of men I meet who constantly mistreat their women verbally, emotionally or by recklessly and flagrantly cheating on her in a humiliating disrespectful way are often doing it because their girlfriend or wife started out as an interest-only chick they settled for. This also is unfair to the I.O.U. chick.
Once you accept an I.O.U. chick into your life, even if you tell yourself you’re going to just go on one date or two and try to get sex and leave, you always run the risk of liking her more than you expected and keeping her around just because it’s easy and comfortable. Then you end up in a limbo relationship, one that is not awful enough to leave but not good enough to inspire you to work your hardest at it.
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