More On The Power of Vagueness – Dating

Quiana GrantQuiana Grant

I had a post recently called The Power of Vagueness, which you can find here. In the first post, I focused mostly on vagueness when it came to the political arena and only touched on it slightly in the dating arena. This time around I’m going to go more into the topic of vagueness in dating.

In the mail, I got my issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Special. (I have an SI subscription.) Most of the girls in it bore me because they seem interchangeable, but this one exotic-looking black girl in it named Quiana Grant caught my eye, and I actually read her interview. One part of it really jumped out at me:

I feel a secret connection with …
Chris Webber because he is mysterious to me. I love the fact that you never hear anything about him anywhere. Even when he was dating Tyra Banks, you didn’t hear anything about him. It’s the unknown. I remember living in D.C., and the Kings came to play the Wizards, and all the ladies were in the hairdresser getting their hair done and I’m like, “What’s going on?” and they told me, “Chris Webber’s coming to town, girl!” That was kind of funny, but he’s actually, um, yeah, he’s pretty great. I was supposed to go to a game when he was playing for Philly, but then he got traded and I thought, nevermind I just wanted to see him.

I love that quote, because it perfectly illustrates what I described in the last vagueness quote. Chris Webber is a good-looking, charismatic, athletic and talented athlete, but he’s intensely private. When he does make a major statement to the public, it carries that much more weight and becomes an event because he so rarely does it. In fact, for a while it even intensified scrutiny of him because the scarcity of information about him make information about him become even more valuable.

But what I really love is how you can tell Quiana Grant has used the half-blank canvas Webber has created and filled in all the blanks herself. She’s taken every dream guy trait she has and has probably assigned them to Webber.

Of course the blank canvas alone isn’t enough. You have to have something on the canvas to attract attention in the first place. If you’re too vague or nondescript you’ll just be ignored. But Webber has the fame, athleticism and good looks that get him in the door. After that, he just has to keep his mouth shut and not fuck it up.

It amazes me how often guys don’t get this. They just talk and talk and campaign with women until they just tell too much about themselves and talk themselves right into the doghouse. Several reasons why this is bad:

  1. Unless you are particularly gifted in smooth conversation, you are just increasing the chances you are going to fuck up a good first impression with each sentence you say.
  2. It puts the girl on a pedestal if you are trying too hard to impress her, thereby lowering your own value in comparison. When you are talking about how smart you are, how much money you make, how cool you are, all the things that make you great, all you are doing is subconsciously convincing the girl of how great she is because you just met her and are trying to hard to gain her approval. Think about it, you don’t try to convince an ugly person of how good you look, you don’t try to convince a dumb person of how smart you are, and you don’t try to convince an uncool person of how cool you are. You expect them to get it automatically. So if you are trying too hard to convince someone you are cool, the implication is that you consider them to be even cooler. If you are trying too hard to convince someone you are good-looking, you are implying that you already consider them better-looking than you. If you are trying too hard to impress someone with how smart you are, you are implying that you consider them smart enough to judge your intelligence. Good masters don’t openly try to impress students, students openly try to impress masters. When you are too blatant in seeking approval, you broadcast to the people you’re seeking approval from that you consider them your masters. You are now in a “one-down” position from them. They may like you, but they won’t respect you as much as you want.
  3. You deprive the woman of her fantasy. If for some reason you conveyed a positive first impression and got her intrigued, it’s because something about you reminded her of one of her fantasies. And each time you open your mouth to talk yourself up or impress her, you just kept painting a picture different from the one she wanted to paint. You promised her the fulfillment of a fantasy with your first impression and now you’re taking it away from her. And of course she’ll resent that, even if it’s on a subconscious level.

See, most guys have women they have no interest in that are incredibly fixated on them. They consider them pests. They make no effort to impress them, yet they stick around. Then they meet women that impress them terribly and they start campaigning hard. They call and text them too much. They watch their phones in hopes they’ll ring. They meet the girl and find her to be interested at first and get confused at why they seem to lose interest with each following interaction. What guys don’t realize is that the aloof, slightly disinterested attitude they affected with the former type of woman is the one they need to affect with the women they really like. If more men could treat the women they really like the same as they treat the ones they want to get rid of, they’d have a much better dating life. (And probably, if they pestered and tried to impress the ones they wanted to get rid of the way they do the ones they obsess over, they’d do a better job of getting rid of them.)

There’s a saying in the pimp community that touches on this concept: “The player with the right clothes can get chose with his mouth closed.” Basically, if you work on your image, whether it’s your clothing, your muscles, your body language and posture, and/or your grooming, all you have to do is work on not saying anything stupid (harder for some guys than you’d think) and being enticingly vague (but not boring) and the woman’s imagination will do all the impressing for you. As long as you don’t do anything blatantly contrary to this image, you’ll be fine.

Addendum: Something else that Chris Webber understands about vagueness: not just being vague about himself but vague about his conquests also. You never see Chris Webber brag about women he’s banging. Never. Sexual bragging is an amateurish thing the average slob does and betrays not only short term thinking but also very poor social intelligence (poor social intelligence is a huge turn-off to women).

Reputation management since time immemorial has always been of paramount importance to a woman. The sluttier a woman’s reputation is, the more her social stock drops. This is why real players rarely brag about conquests for the sake of bragging. They only bring up conquests to prove a larger point. If you get the rep of being that guy who can’t keep his mouth about conquests, women know their reputations won’t be safe with you, and no matter how much they may want you they’ll feel the risk to their reputation isn’t worth it.

Compare this to Wilmer Valderrama, who pulled a truly unmackish move in bragging on the Howard Stern show about sexual conquests. He claimed to have taken Mandy Moore’s virginity, and also:

The 26-year-old claimed Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girls he’s ever slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed and he rated Jennifer Love Hewitt an “eight” out of ten when it came to sex.

He probably thought it was cool at the time, but he must have realized his mistake because he quickly backpedaled in the press afterwards. Now what are the chances that future up and coming or established starlets are going to risk their reputations for a chance to sleep with Wilmer Valderrama. He’s proven himself to be lacking discretion and social intelligence. He should have learned the lesson of vagueness from Chris Webber.

13 Responses to “More On The Power of Vagueness – Dating”

  1. word. i’m sure wherever barry sanders is, he’s getting a helluva lot more trim than emmit smith.

    by the way, i love your acquittal of owning a swimsuit magazine. can you do the same for my owning of 3 years worth of victoria secrets catalogs?

    Smash’s last blog post..The Greatest Hip-Hop Producer of All-Time!

  2. by the way, i love your acquittal of owning a swimsuit magazine. can you do the same for my owning of 3 years worth of victoria secrets catalogs?

    I’m so fucking transparent. Funny thing is, even as I wrote it I thought “Someone is SO gonna call me out for this lame justification.”

  3. is it just important for girls to stay mysterious?

    Ava V’s last blog post..Seinfeld Phase 7?

  4. Ava, I don’t think it’s that necessary for women to stay mysterious because guys aren’t looking for reasons to disqualify women as much as women are looking for reasons to disqualify men. Women get approached and hit on all the time, even when it’s not explicit. Just getting offered help from a guy that he wouldn’t offer to another guy is an example of getting hit on. Offering to carry your bags to your car? Getting hit on. Complimenting your outfit? Getting hit on. And so forth. Since women get hit on so much, they naturally have to be choosier and look for more reasons to disqualify guys, since they can’t (or at least shouldn’t) date or fuck them all. So since women are instinctively looking for reasons to shut a guy down when they first meet them (unless you make a REALLY good first impression), I think guys need to avoid giving her any unnecessary ammunition by talking too much. Be just interesting enough to intrigue, but don’t go overboard in the sales pitch because you risk fucking it up.

    The average guy on the other hand get dissed all the time. We’re used to getting shot down, ignored, dealing with aloof women with one word answers that don’t invite further conversation and so on. So when we find a girl that’s interested, it’s like we hit the lottery. We’re used to girls acting aloof, vague and outright uninterested, so being mysterious doesn’t go as far with a woman. We’re less likely to be looking for reasons to disqualify the opposite sex as a woman, so we tend to tolerate more than most women would, especially if the woman is attractive, so it doesn’t matter as much if a woman says dumb things. I’ve seen some attractive women say some of the dumbest, uninteresting and most vapid things and the guys they’ll be talking to will be listing with rapt attention. They’re just happy the women is showing interest, even if what she’s saying is senseless.

    So to a woman, I’d say don’t be mysterious if you like a guy, just talk and show sincere interest (but not eagerness). The only thing you need to be vague about is your ex-es, especially if you have one of those Mary J. Blige or Halle Berry neverending string of “my man done me wrong” sob stories. Same goes for “my ex was the best in bed and blew my back out on the regular” stories. Nobody wants to hear either of those.

  5. interesting. i guess i never realized how much i actually get hit on. but i’m having trouble with the difference between interest and eagerness…have any examples to help me out?

    Ava V’s last blog post..Providence College

  6. Interest makes the guy feel like he’s winning you over because of something he does. Eager is just practically serving up the drawers on a platter up front, telegraphing your interest too early and too strongly, it makes him feel like there was no challenge at all, it was just a slam dunk. This isn’t bad if you’re on vacation or just want a one-night stand, but if you want something more it’s the wrong move.

    Not saying all instances of having sex fast are bad or won’t lead to relationships. I’ve had relationships with women I slept with the same day I met them, but they were interested and not eager. They made me feel like it was something about me and my game that made them have sex so fast, rather than that just being how they get down all the time. I’d say that’s the difference between interested and overeager.

  7. Ava, I agree that women don’t need to be mysterious to attract men, however, having & maintaining some element of mystique about yourself throughout your relationship with a man definitely helps increase & fan his interest in you & distinguish you from other (esp. American) women (most of whom, quite frankly, can’t wait to tell you everything in the belief that this is how people bond). It’s just human nature to be intrigued by the mysterious – people are curious. The open-book girl next door thing is cute, sure, but there’s a reason why mysteriousness, inscrutability, are nearly always qualities of the typical seductive woman in movies, literature, art, etc.

  8. Alan makes a good point. You don’t want to make a guy feel like your therapist or an emotional tampon.

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