The Rawness

Earlier installments in this series can be found here:
Introduction
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Let’s get down to it.

Understand and Merge Your Three Faces. This is one of those great insights that I read in a book at some point growing up, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the book was anymore. If anyone recognizes who originated this idea, let me know.

But the basic concept is, there are three “faces:”

1. The face of the person you see when you see yourself.
2. The face of the person you try to present to others
3. The face of the person that other people actually perceive when they see you
   

Based on that basic concept of three faces, I took it further and came up with the following observations.

People who are strong, charismatic, successful, confident and contented tend to understand and merge their “faces.” They try to manage and know their faces as thoroughly as possible and keep very similar, always fighting to keep them from drifting apart. They present themselves to others as they see themselves. And other people tend to also perceive them as they perceive themselves. It creates an exciting and fluid interaction. It inspires confidence. It’s automatically addicting once you’re around it.

People who are weak, uncharismatic, fractured, neurotic, self-pitying and miserable tend to have big gaps between their “faces” ["face-gaps"]. Here are some examples of “face gaps.”

(1) Let’s say a person sees themselves a certain way. We’ll call this face “A.” (2) He deliberately tries to present a different face to the world. We’ll call this face “B.” There is a face gap between how he sees himself (“A”) and what how he presents himself (“B”). Now (3) the final component is how other people see him. If he’s terribly transparent, some people will see him as he sees himself, face “A,” even though he is trying to present face “B” to the world. This would be an “A-B-A” face transaction. If the guy is a very good faker, others may actually believe the face he is trying to present to the world, face “B.” This would be an “A-B-B” transaction. If he’s totally socially inept or poor at image management, other people might see a totally different face altogether, face “C,” which is neither face “A,” how he sees himself, nor is it face “B,” which is how he tries to present himself to the world. He’s managed to give off an unrelated third impression instead. This would be an “A-B-C” face transaction, which is the worst of the lot. Many people who tend to view themselves one way and try desperately to present themselves another way suffer from a face gap that leads to what is called “impostor syndrome.”

The Impostor Syndrome, sometimes called Impostor Phenomenon or Fraud Syndrome, is a syndrome where sufferers are unable to internalize their accomplishments. It is not an officially recognized psychological disorder but has been the subject of numerous books and articles by psychologists and educators.

Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study or what external proof they may have of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced internally they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are actually frauds. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.

There is a phrase that says “fake it ’til you make it.” People who follow this advice choose to willingly create this face gap between how they see themselves and how they present themselves to others. It works for some people but fails for others, even driving some mad. Why the different results? Because when you’re faking it until you make it, the end goal should be to eventually make both faces merge. After presenting yourself a certain way for long enough, you eventually start seeing yourself that way as well. The face gap you create when faking it til you make it should be a means to an end, and that end is the eventual elimination of said face gap as you begin to genuinely see yourself as the person you present to others. People on the other hand who live indefinitely with this face gap between how they view themselves and how they present themselves to others end up over a long enough time neurotic, sneaky, paranoid, distrustful, miserable and constantly afraid of being discovered as a fraud. I believe this is what, among other things, happened to Michael Jackson.

Another common face gap problem is when (1) a person sees themselves one way (face “A”), (2) tries hard to present this face to others (again face “A”), but (3) what actually gets communicated to others is something totally different (face “B”). This would be an “A-A-B” face transaction. Many people who consider themselves great people yet still are unlucky in love and friendship usually suffer from this form of face transaction. They consider themselves awesome people, try to show people how awesome they are, but something gets lost in translation somewhere for whatever reason. Maybe they get too nervous and mess up and come off creepy instead. Maybe they try to hard and come off too insecure and eager to please. Maybe their body language and fashion sense are conflicting. People who suffer from these types of face gaps are usually socially frustrated.

There are tons of combinations of face gaps and face-transaction scenarios, and it would take too long to create an exhaustive list. I just wanted to give examples of the concept, and I hope I was able to make it clear.

The most inspiring and mentally tough people tend to be the people who first understand their three faces, then work to merge them.

Some people for example either don’t realize how they view themselves, don’t realize how they present themselves to others, or don’t realize how others actually perceive them when interacting with them. Or worse, some people are guilty of being ignorant of all three faces at once. One guy thinks he’s hilarious and is unaware of how painfully unfunny he actually is to others. Or he may think he gives off a loveable bad boy persona when he’s actually coming off as an unlikeable dick with no social skills. Or a girl may think she is way hotter and bringing way more to the table than she actually is. I’m sure you get the picture. Understanding your three faces requires brutal honesty with yourself. Another great way is to get a self-improvement buddy, a friend or group of friends who will be brutally honest with constructive criticism. Everyone beforehand promise not to take anything personal, and all criticism should be constructive and useful. It’s not enough to criticize each other, you also have to inform each other what your respective strengths are so that you can lead with them.

Once you get an idea of the state of your three faces and are operating under no illusions, you need to start working toward merging them and eliminating gaps. The goal is to achieve “A-A-A” transactional state. To illustrate the merge using an example. Say (1) a guy thinks he’s funny as hell and filled with great stories (“A”). He (2) goes out trying to showcase his self-perceived funniness by telling jokes and stories at social gatherings, and thinks he’s killing it (“A,” consistent so far). But (3) he’s actually coming off to others as long-winded, unfunny, and oafish (“B”). To accomplish a merge, he has several options. After properly assessing the state of his three faces, he can proceed to find out what his strengths are. Say he discovers his strength is being a good listener, talking less and sharing good life lessons. He (1) starts seeing himself as that type of guy instead of as the life of the party (“A”). He (2) conveys himself as such (again, “A”). And (3) other people also start perceiving him as that guy because that persona plays better to his natural strengths (Again, “A”). A-A-A. Or alternatively, rather than change how he sees himself, he can choose to still see himself as funny and instead focus on working on changing how he presents that persona to others by learning how to actually convey humor well. He can study funny people and take notes on what they do, get honest feedback from others on how he can improve his humor and what his sticking points are and practice, practice, practice until he reaches the point where (1) he still sees himself as funny (“A”), (2) he’s still trying to convey himself as funny to others, but is now much better at it because of the work he’s put into it (again, “A”) and (3) people genuinely see him as being as funny as he sees himself and wants others to view him (again, “A,” hat trick).

Another thing to keep in mind is the internet. The internet can really create some horrible face gaps. Compare who you’re selling on your Myspace, Match.com or Facebook profile to who you believe you are. I’m especially aware of this as a blogger, as I struggle with who I am, what I’m trying to present myself as with this blog and what actually comes across to people reading. With all the technology, photoshop programs, online questionnaires and info manipulation out there, it’s incredibly hard not to experiment with how you present yourself to others and veer from the truth. And with all the instant feedback and limitless potential exposure, how can you not become insane about how others perceive you once you do open yourself up online? When messing with the internet, be very aware of how it’s affecting your three faces.

It’s more of a neverending struggle than a true end goal you can simply achieve once and for all, as daily life and new experiences constantly work to change our various faces and cause them to grow apart. It requires constant and brutally honest self-assessment to understand the state of your faces, and it requires the vigilance and self-discipline to keep them aligned when they start to drift apart. But it’s worth it.

(Latest additions to this ongoing list appear below in red)

#1. When people admonish you to “be more original,” what they really mean is “be more like me.” When people admonish you to “be a free thinker,” they really mean “try to think more like me.”

#2. Everyone knows you can’t turn a ho into a housewife…but turning a housewife into a ho ain’t no picnic either.

#3a. Always keep this in mind when trying to win someone’s love or respect: people care more about how you treat yourself than how you treat them. If you treat someone better than you treat yourself, especially if you help them at great expense to yourself emotionally, financially or psychologically, they will actually end up loving and respecting you less.

#3b. If you treat someone better than they think they deserve to be treated, they will punish you for it. You may think treating someone better than they think they deserve to be treated will raise their self-esteem and make them see themselves in the same great way you see them. This is not the case. Most of the time, they end up losing respect for you for seeing such great things in them that they are unable to see in themselves, and they label you as weak, foolish, naive or in possession of poor judgment and will try to punish you for it. Oftentimes they are so sure they’ll disappoint you eventually and prove unworthy of the faith you placed in them that they self-sabotage things (consciously or unconsciously) sooner rather than later just to get the “inevitable” disappointment over with. That is why so many relationships where a girl tries to redeem a hopeless bad boy with her love or a guy tries to play Captain Save-a-Ho with some hard luck case girl usually end up with the charity case dragging down the rescuer rather than the rescuer redeeming the charity case. This human nature tendency is perfectly illustrated in the famous Grouch Marx quote “Please accept my resignation. I don?t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

#4. People see weakness in a woman and their natural instinct is to protect from harm and nurture it until it’s strong. People see weakness in a man and feel revolting disgust and their natural instinct is to crush it out of existence and get it out of their sight as soon as possible. (This is a paraphrase of a quote by Norah Vincent, author of Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Year Disguised as a Man) Feminism has been teaching women for decades that it is acceptable for them to express themselves emotionally and sexually in the same ways men traditionally have. This has lead men to gradually accept that the reverse is also true for them, that it’s now acceptable for them to express themselves emotionally and sexually in the same ways women have. And when they do it the results are disastrous. They bare their souls to their girlfriends and wives and cry regularly in front of them, thinking they’re bonding. They talk about their feelings nonstop. They think of any attempt at being macho as an outdated and unenlightened throwback concept and get totally comfortable with showing weakness, emotional wishy-washiness and sensitivity publicly. And instead of being rewarded as enlightened and progressive by the new age modern women they love and the peers they want to impress, it blows up in their face. Despite how our culture changes and celebrates gender equality, our biology hardwires us to expect strength and leadership from men yet excuses the lack of these traits in women. Maybe it’s an unfair double standard, maybe it’s not, but it’s not going anywhere anytime soon, so you better accept it and adapt. People, and especially women, are ruthless about their digust at weakness and lack of leadership in men.

#5. Brutal self-awareness can go a long way toward overcoming a surprising amount of personal shortcomings. Consider the following generic statement: He is [x], but he knows that he is [x], and that almost makes him [not-x]. Let’s see some specific illustrations. John is stupid, but John knows that he is stupid, and that almost makes him smart. Jill is a cliche, but Jill knows she is a cliche, and that almost makes her unique. The substitution works with an astounding array of shortcomings.
Brutal self-awareness on it’s own is not enough to fix a shortcoming, decisive and directed action must be taken, but it goes a long way to fixing it and is a major first step most of us never achieve.

(The following two are the latest additions. I wrote it all stream-of-consciousness, so please refrain from any nitpicking over semantics or any of that other intellectual hair-splitting and pedantry that so often passes for higher discourse these days. I am quite aware of how coarse and unpolished they are, too coarse to ever serve as usable ideology or rhetoric, but there’s something undeniably raw, universal and honest about them that makes me want to publish them as is)

#6. People at all times need someone to feel superior to and someone to feel inferior to. The most powerful and charismatic forces of nature among us have typically been those who can excite both sentiments in us at the same time, often in the form of a single, romanticized polarizing figure: contempt and worship in the same breath. Hatred and lust. Reverence and disgust. Revulsion and attraction. Elicit just victim imagery and you cease to be taken seriously. You’re just trash no one wants to acknowledge. But elicit just winner imagery and you will be taken too seriously. Suddenly people will start to notice all the things you have that they don’t. Your egalitarian ruse will be shaken to its foundation and you’ve become a target, no longer a bohemian, or even a bourgeous bohemian, just…bourgeous. You’ve become the Man in the Grey Flannel Suit, except the uniforms now a faded pair of Rock and Religions. You always have to portray the dual role of oppressor and oppressed. No matter how low on the totem pole we get, we derive comfort from knowing there is still lower. And no matter how high on the totem pole we get, we derive comfort from knowing their is still higher and we should never be held totally accountable for our life circumstances. It’s “bigger than us.”

In our quest to escape the same classist trappings we just ended up recreating them over and over again with new names and labels. None of this is new.

We create a psychological fiction for ourselves that gives us just enough control and individuality to take credit for those cultural forces that we may want to be associated with for future generations, but then we also reserve the right to call upon that victim mindset when convenient and we need to absolve ourselves for something that happened in the past.

People hate to have this balance shaken. This is why even men who appear to have it all on the surface will appear to go to unreasonable lengths in order to feel inferior to someone, to the point where they have to pay someone to debase them (BDSM). Because if you ever were to totally relinquish that victim mindset, not just symbolically or verbally, but truly relinquish it? Embrace true individual liberty and the chaos that comes with it? Then you have no one left to blame if at the end of the day it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. If you give up your cultural and political scapegoats, strip them all away, the only thing left to blame at the end of the day for life not being as satisfying as it could be is you. And that scares the shit out of people. So next time you see someone who looks all-powerful and could want for nothing, remind yourself that he or she, too, is searching for someone to subconsciously assign the oppressive villain role to as well.

I’m not above this, with my baiting of liberals and feminists and racial ideologies, all the while pretending to be above the fray.

#7. There’s only one real culture war worth watching right now, and it’s a sideshow indeed: the angry bitter white male versus the guilty bitter white male. Most of us were tricked into thinking we had to choose sides in this great family battle. But we don’t. Even white males don’t have to predictably jump into their expected role in the whole matter. We all have our own family battles to work out. All we really have to do now, if you really want to get brutal about it, is just watch them tear each other to shreds. Our primary concern shouldn’t be how to emulate their neuroses or even hasten their neurotic collapse along but rather to just make sure our own houses are in order and primed to take advantage of whatever the new cultural, racial, societal landscape is going to be once the final Boomer exits the stage.

#8: No matter how you try to dress it up or ennoble it (or demonize it) throughout history, charisma boils down to one thing: Charisma is just the ability to make other people wholeheartedly buy into your narcissism. The ideologies, the mantras, the dogmas, all those are just excuses we use to rally behind the alpha dog we’d most like to visualize ourselves as.

#9: No matter how you romanticize the past through nostalgia, make no mistake, the most exciting time to be alive is NOW. It always has been NOW, whatever it may be that NOW represents to you. Because NOW is the only part of existence where we don’t know what comes next. What made the exciting eras of the past so exciting wasn’t the intellectual or moral or racial or ethical underpinnings to them. We make the mistake of chasing that when we chase nostalgia. What made those eras of the past so wonderful wasn’t knowing that things would turn out okay, it was the possibility for the people living in those eras that shit may not turn out okay.

#10. No success has ever happened without a healthy dose of self-promotion at some point. Some of us are cruder at it and more overt. Some of us make it look elegant and accidental. Most of us are just trying to find the balancing act between the two competing insanities (there is no objective sanity, just competing versions of insanity). You are not above it. Stop pretending you are above it and join the rest of us. Your heroes, no matter who they are, at some point in their lives were pimping the shit out of themselves to get noticed by someone. Anyone.

#11. It’s impossible to become wildly successful at something without ending up disillusioned by that very thing you thought would solve all your problems. This is why we can never be 100% happy.

#12a. Good-looking and rich people get away with more. And the dirty secret: they all know it. Even the ones who pretend they don’t. It’s not bad, it’s not good. It’s just life. Which leads to corrollary 12b.

#12b. Life’s not always fair. If you want to get mad at someone, get mad at the person who told you life would always be fair.

#13. Most of the opportunities you were denied in life aren’t because some big bad bogeyman withheld them from you. They didn’t come because you were too chickenshit to straight up ask for or demand them.  Note that I said “most,” not “all.” This is not a wish fulfillment fairytale I’m preaching that will apply to every situation. Hard work and healthy self-promotion must be involved (see Raw Truth #10) And of course, the request has to remain remotely in the realm of possible reality. You have to be somewhat qualified or deserving of what you’re asking for. You can’t be an unemployed homeless guy and go apply for the job of CEO of a big company. And if you are competing for something against others who have accumulated more competitive advantages than you, then you may not get what you wanted at that particular point in time. And even if you are still deserving, you may still get overlooked because life isn’t always fair (see Raw Truth #12b). But the point remains and I stand by it, a majority of what me miss out on comes from not asking. No matter what temporary setbacks you receive, in the long run if you don’t embrace defeatism or reject yourself before others have chance to and keep asking for what you want and reasonably deserve, you will gain more opportunities than you miss out on.

#14. No city cries when you leave it. No city rejoices when you arrive. That’s something only families and friends can do. So get over yourself, you raging narcissist.

#15. There comes a time in every person’s life when they realize their parents may actually be more screwed up than they are. The fool finds this realization depressing and disheartening. The wise ones find it liberating and inspiring. Many of us grow up thinking our parents are infallible. We think our dad is the strongest man in the world. We think our mother is an all-knowing beacon of purity. And as we get older, we get more and more evidence that this is not true and feel betrayed. This is the source of most adolescent rebellion. But part of maturity is the realization that your parents were just doing the best they can, and were just human. And as a result, we no longer have to live up to these images of infallibility either. If we allow them to be free to be human and make mistakes, that also gives us the freedom to be human and make mistakes. Because so many of us nowadays are in perpetual adolescence though, many in our society are stuck in the adolescent rebellion stage where we can’t forgive the betrayal and disappointment we felt at the hands of our role models and elders for daring not to be infallible and perfect or for making mistakes. But this is a psychologically claustrophobic state and stunts your emotional development and leaves you trapped in a state of bitter reactionary helplessness. Embracing the fallibility and imperfection of your parents, role models and elders allows you to forgive them, let grudges go and move on, and it allows you to move on to the next stage of your life without the inevitable disappointment some unachievable perfect ideal to aspire to, thanks to the more grounded expectations you will now have.

16. Class and Power = Level of Control over matters of Sex, Death and Money. Every last negotiation and transaction in life, whether in a boardroom or a bedroom or a wedding chapel comes down to Sex, Death or Money. That’s it. Sex, Death or Money. Everything exciting? Had to do Sex, Death or Money. Everything enticing? Had t0 do with Sex, Death or Money. Everything that makes you warm and fuzzy? Had to do with Sex, Death or Money. Every memory that makes you weepy? Had to do with Sex, Death or Money. Every betrayal you received? Sex, Death or Money. Every spiritual moment you’ve had? Sex, Death or Money. Your greatest fear? The one that keeps you awake at night in a cold sweat? Sex, Death and Money. Conquer your anxieties about Sex, Death and Money and you can conquer anything. The unfulfilled in life are those who let their anxieties about Sex, Death and Money conquer them.

17. The less people you need to accomplish any task in life, the more power you have. The more power you have, the more you matter. That’s why people love the idea of God so much. Who has more power? Who matters more? Who needs the least people to accomplish any task they want to accomplish? God. That’s why the world worships Him so.

I’ve been pretty sick for a few weeks. A combination of a virus and sinus infection and flu all at once. Because I rarely get seriously sick, I ignored it and didn’t seek medical attention until it got really, really bad. And immediately after recovering from that I had to move to a new apartment. Then I had to catch up on missed work.
So outside of commenting on some of my favorite blogs here and there, I haven’t had the time or energy to do much in the way of posting. But I’m all better now. So I plan to make up for lost time.

One thing that made me know I had to come back soon was some of the fan mail I received in my absence. Take the following for example:

from XXXXXXXXX to The Rawness <t@therawness.com> date Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 8:06 PM subject You are a pretentious cunt. signed-by gmail.com

hide details 8:06 PM (5 hours ago)

Reply

You are a pretentious cunt. Why should anyone care what book you are reading? don?t you have a job or a life or friends? Of course you don?t have friends. No human being could stand to being around someone whose head is shoved this far up his own ass for more than five minutes without killing themselves. Now I?m sure there are a lot of people who love your ?work? but these people are probably all just as pathetic and depraved as you are. They probably write blogs as well. God I hate blogs. What is it that makes you people think someone would care what the fuck you think?

If you feel the need to respond don?t write some half assed ?well what makes you any better? bullshit. I?m infinitely better for I?m only doing this because I bored and I hate blogers. I don?t make a habit out this.

Touching. How could I stay away any longer knowing I inspire others the way I do?